I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine today. I won't relay the details of his personal life in an attempt to keep his own privacy, but he's someone who can understand the deconstruction of a marriage.
He told me that the reason most second or third marriages last so much longer than first marriages is because both parts of the relationship know exactly what they want, and are no longer shy about asking for it.
I didn't specifically explain to him why I agreed so quickly to his statement, but it felt very accurate.
I am not embarrassed to take my part in the blame of my failed marriage. I've always been a very non-confrontational person, and for years have had issues addressing problems with people from fear of seeming "difficult". With the way things happened between Rick and I, I suppose part of me always felt like I owed him something for staying and so I in turn always tried to be as accommodating as possible, never making him do anything he didn't want to do. I tried a little to hard, never fully expressing what I wanted or needed from him as a partner and in turn he did exactly as he pleased. I expected him to just finally decide that what I wanted was what he wanted and for life to fall into place... it never did.
Now, I'm not saying he didn't have his own part in it. His inability to remain solid in his decisions, the way he ran hot and cold on a day to day basis, his selfishness and his hypocritical standards about what to expect from me in comparison to what to expect from his self had their own hand. Not to mention, his leaving... pretty sure that was the main event.
But I am getting off point. Listening to my friend talk today I realized that I'm getting to the point where I am no longer deciding what I want in a relationship/man by the things that Rick was lacking... I'm realizing things I want because they are the things that I am craving and the things that rather I'm in a committed relationship or just friends with someone remain important to me today.
I want someone who is loyal, honest and extremely family oriented. I want someone decisive and ambitious. I can't be with someone who is always looking for the quickest solution or the easy way of life. I want a man who is willing to suffer to make life great... like me. I want someone who will be content to be calm, and doesn't need the fuss of the lime light 24 hours a day. I want someone who will be affectionate, and loving. I want someone who will make me a top priority, even above himself. And I want someone who will be a good father, who can make the sacrifices necessary to be a good father.
That, that's what I want...
but it's not what I want right now.
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