I just got done watching He's Just Not That Into you with a few friends of mine. Kathryn surprisingly had never seen it so we felt the need to rectify the situation immediately.
As cheesy as it may sound the movie is extremely smart and has a lot of good advice and points to it.
I attempted to find the ending scene on Youtube so that I could post it... when Alex shows up on Gigi's door and tells her she is his exception.
Didn't work.
But the lesson of the night... we are NOT the exception... and I have to stop thinking I am. It's not getting me anywhere.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
What's Good for the Soul is not always good for the Muse.
One of my closest friends, and long time writing kindred texted me this evening after she left my house. We had spent the evening indulging in sweet wine, taco salad and a little interactive game playing with the Wii.
She asked if I thought it was bad that alcohol seemed to be a key source to curing her writers block, as she was feeling very inspired to write.
It's the sign of a true artist I teased. But began considering the thought myself. I've always felt much more inclined to produce work when I've had a cocktail, a few beers or even the occasional bottle of wine. There's something about the elixirs that loosen the tongue and allow a writer to push through the bullshit to get to the root of what they are trying to say. Another thing that has always fueled my writing, my own self loathing.
I know typically as a writer you are suppose to have a self confidence that defies critic and when it comes to my writing I might, but everything else about me and my life I always feel I could be doing better. I could be smarter, thinner, happier, friendly, stronger... I can just be more. These feelings of inadequacy are some of the things that inspire me to write, because I want to embrace the truth of my existence or because I want to create a reality through fiction that I don't feel I'm worthy or capable of.
I believe in a lot of ways the reason I have always remained self loathing and never truly tried to focus on changing that aspect of myself is because I fear that if I love myself entirely, I'll no longer feel the need or the desire to write. Great artists throughout time have allowed their own personal misery, heartbreak, short comings and failures fuel articulate and poetic pieces that inspire and encourage people 100s of years later.
I don't think I'm going to feel like I've really accomplished much until I touch someone like that.
But, I am feeling rather inspired this evening,,, and going through my old work is reminding me how much I loved letting the language flow through me, how exhausting and exciting and calm it made me.
I'm not giving up one of the few things giving me purpose these days. Other than Evelyn, there's not much.
She asked if I thought it was bad that alcohol seemed to be a key source to curing her writers block, as she was feeling very inspired to write.
It's the sign of a true artist I teased. But began considering the thought myself. I've always felt much more inclined to produce work when I've had a cocktail, a few beers or even the occasional bottle of wine. There's something about the elixirs that loosen the tongue and allow a writer to push through the bullshit to get to the root of what they are trying to say. Another thing that has always fueled my writing, my own self loathing.
I know typically as a writer you are suppose to have a self confidence that defies critic and when it comes to my writing I might, but everything else about me and my life I always feel I could be doing better. I could be smarter, thinner, happier, friendly, stronger... I can just be more. These feelings of inadequacy are some of the things that inspire me to write, because I want to embrace the truth of my existence or because I want to create a reality through fiction that I don't feel I'm worthy or capable of.
I believe in a lot of ways the reason I have always remained self loathing and never truly tried to focus on changing that aspect of myself is because I fear that if I love myself entirely, I'll no longer feel the need or the desire to write. Great artists throughout time have allowed their own personal misery, heartbreak, short comings and failures fuel articulate and poetic pieces that inspire and encourage people 100s of years later.
I don't think I'm going to feel like I've really accomplished much until I touch someone like that.
But, I am feeling rather inspired this evening,,, and going through my old work is reminding me how much I loved letting the language flow through me, how exhausting and exciting and calm it made me.
I'm not giving up one of the few things giving me purpose these days. Other than Evelyn, there's not much.
Ink Stained Fingertips
I have ink stained fingertips
where your lips use to be.
Memory has seeped into my bones
and crept up the length of my arm;
cramps that resembles an ice cube on the tip of your tongue
August, in the park.
My body remains youthful, but my hands
resemble an old woman
brittle beneath the surface from knowledge,
passion, lust greed.
I have created worlds from these hands,
baring children from my palm.
I write and bleed black on the page
in desperation, to release you from me.
Club soda and paint thinner can’t remove these stains.
where your lips use to be.
Memory has seeped into my bones
and crept up the length of my arm;
cramps that resembles an ice cube on the tip of your tongue
August, in the park.
My body remains youthful, but my hands
resemble an old woman
brittle beneath the surface from knowledge,
passion, lust greed.
I have created worlds from these hands,
baring children from my palm.
I write and bleed black on the page
in desperation, to release you from me.
Club soda and paint thinner can’t remove these stains.
My Rubber Soul
Written April 2007
My Rubber Soul
The abyss awaits me.
There is something comforting
about the sulfur
like chocolate-chip cookies
on Saturday Morning.
It smells like Marlboro Reds
$2 beer and temptation.
I try to ignore the call
of smoky darkness.
The thought of his hands
like a pen on my blank pages
creating a history
from my silence.
It’s a longing
self-destruction. The wrecking-ball
waiting to rip through my home.
He sees me,
sees disloyalty like a tattoo
through the haze of red, green,
purple. Jazz singing my blues.
You would think...
You would think that spending a night drinking and playing Wii with friends would be fantastic. And it is...
until the men of the group start comparing the lengths they have gone for women, especially in the aspect of amount spent on dates.
$1900.... $2300.... for one date.
And my self worth just dropped about 12 points.
And so the week of feeling hideously unattractive and completely worthless continues.
Awesome.
until the men of the group start comparing the lengths they have gone for women, especially in the aspect of amount spent on dates.
$1900.... $2300.... for one date.
And my self worth just dropped about 12 points.
And so the week of feeling hideously unattractive and completely worthless continues.
Awesome.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Falling Can Hurt...
So I fell off of the metaphorical wagon today when it comes to my new "wellness living"
I'll not bore you with the sloppy details... but it has left me with a sever migraine.
Tomorrow, tomorrow I'm going to get right back too it. Promise.
I'll not bore you with the sloppy details... but it has left me with a sever migraine.
Tomorrow, tomorrow I'm going to get right back too it. Promise.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sometimes It Really Is That Simple...
Cause I’ve been hidin’
All my life and
I’ve been tryin
To keep me safe but
I’ve been healin
I’ve been thinkin
I am ready
Finally for something more
Than this...
I couldn't have said it better myself...
Something Nice To Wake Up To...
I like the message:
I'm really tryna make it more than what it is, cause everybody dies but not everybody lives
I'm really tryna make it more than what it is, cause everybody dies but not everybody lives
Sunday, February 20, 2011
A Missing Piece
And I'd give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
And I'd give it all away
just to have someone to come home to
A New Face...
I decided to make a drastic change the other day...
for me this always means I change my hair... which I did.
It's been a really long time since I've had hair this red, and honestly I can't remember why I haven't colored it back to this shade long before now. I love it.
But the change I'm craving is far deeper than the roots of my hair.
The other night I nearly fainted at work. I lost all color in my cheeks, my chest throbbed and my vision began to tunnel. A friend made me sit down a second, and eat a breadstick. "When was the last time you ate?" she asked... I honestly couldn't recall.
On the way home that evening I had this disturbing taste in my mouth, as if I had been sucking on pennies. Copper metalic just lingering on my tongue and in my throat. That's when it dawned on me... My iron must be getting severely low.
I've always taken care of myself but I've never been very good at taking care of me... I can pay my bills and make sure my laundries done but when it comes to taking the time to make sure I eat right, exercise, get enough rest or even take the mental time I need to recharge I never know when or how to manage that and take care of everyone else.
Evelyn is getting bigger, she's more active and it takes more to keep up with her. If I'm going to work full time, and take care of her all alone I'm going to need to start taking better care of myself. And so I've been taking the proper steps to do that.
I'm not going to break down what I'm doing with minor details... but I will keep you all posted on my progress, whats working, whats not. Blogging is part of the change, giving myself a certain amount of time everyday to write rather it be trivial details on my day, or working on a larger project.
I've got a good feeling about this.
for me this always means I change my hair... which I did.
 | |||
| TADA!!!!! |
It's been a really long time since I've had hair this red, and honestly I can't remember why I haven't colored it back to this shade long before now. I love it.
 | |||||||||||
| I call it Mad Men Red... Remember, I'm not bad... I'm just drawn that way ;) |
But the change I'm craving is far deeper than the roots of my hair.
The other night I nearly fainted at work. I lost all color in my cheeks, my chest throbbed and my vision began to tunnel. A friend made me sit down a second, and eat a breadstick. "When was the last time you ate?" she asked... I honestly couldn't recall.
On the way home that evening I had this disturbing taste in my mouth, as if I had been sucking on pennies. Copper metalic just lingering on my tongue and in my throat. That's when it dawned on me... My iron must be getting severely low.
I've always taken care of myself but I've never been very good at taking care of me... I can pay my bills and make sure my laundries done but when it comes to taking the time to make sure I eat right, exercise, get enough rest or even take the mental time I need to recharge I never know when or how to manage that and take care of everyone else.
Evelyn is getting bigger, she's more active and it takes more to keep up with her. If I'm going to work full time, and take care of her all alone I'm going to need to start taking better care of myself. And so I've been taking the proper steps to do that.
I'm not going to break down what I'm doing with minor details... but I will keep you all posted on my progress, whats working, whats not. Blogging is part of the change, giving myself a certain amount of time everyday to write rather it be trivial details on my day, or working on a larger project.
I've got a good feeling about this.
If this is giving up then I'm giving up... on Love...
I had a momentary lapse in judgment last night.
A brief moment of weakness...
I almost forgot I was better than that...
and then I woke up this morning and remember.
The hurtfulness resonates like a sonar signal...
Thank God.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Never Thought We'd Have a Last Kiss...
It was an extremely beautiful night tonight so I drove home from work with the windows down. I allowed my current CD of choice to linger through the soft air and I drifted like a cast-away in my thoughts.
I'm doing this all wrong.
In the past week, in the past seven days I have found myself kissing three separate men. Now, I feel no shame in this because, lets face it, there are far worse things I could be doing than kissing silly boys, but I still feel myself over analyzing each encounter.
Two of them, I've kissed before. One of them, not so much. But the one thing they all have in common, lack. Not from their inability, as I said I've kissed two of them before, but I suppose in the sense of my own personal detachment. For years I've kissed with emotion, I've kissed with heart and pain and lust and everything I can and have or will feel. Lately, it's just a form of physical contact... nothing significant, nothing special...
and that makes me sad. I want that fire back... part of me is afraid I'm never going to experience it again. And this is the part of me I hate right now because it's the part of me that misses him. But I'm fighting so very hard... and I win a little more everyday.
So in the mean time, I suppose I will continue to kiss boys in hopes one of them will give me butterflies. In hopes that one day, I'll get the same sensation of falling in the pit of my stomach I did on that first night when he brushed the hair from my sleeping eyes and whispered "my god she really is beautiful." Sadly, and strangely, it's a feeling I got often. Almost every time he kissed me. I miss that feeling. I think in some ways I need that feeling...
But what do I know?
I'm doing this all wrong.
In the past week, in the past seven days I have found myself kissing three separate men. Now, I feel no shame in this because, lets face it, there are far worse things I could be doing than kissing silly boys, but I still feel myself over analyzing each encounter.
Two of them, I've kissed before. One of them, not so much. But the one thing they all have in common, lack. Not from their inability, as I said I've kissed two of them before, but I suppose in the sense of my own personal detachment. For years I've kissed with emotion, I've kissed with heart and pain and lust and everything I can and have or will feel. Lately, it's just a form of physical contact... nothing significant, nothing special...
and that makes me sad. I want that fire back... part of me is afraid I'm never going to experience it again. And this is the part of me I hate right now because it's the part of me that misses him. But I'm fighting so very hard... and I win a little more everyday.
So in the mean time, I suppose I will continue to kiss boys in hopes one of them will give me butterflies. In hopes that one day, I'll get the same sensation of falling in the pit of my stomach I did on that first night when he brushed the hair from my sleeping eyes and whispered "my god she really is beautiful." Sadly, and strangely, it's a feeling I got often. Almost every time he kissed me. I miss that feeling. I think in some ways I need that feeling...
But what do I know?
Funniest thing I've seen all day!
So I'm in love with this new website, Dear Blank, Please Blank.
It's extremely funny and I encourage everyone to check it out. This morning I came across this one...
Sincerely, Zombies.
Thought I would share in it's hilarity. :)
It's extremely funny and I encourage everyone to check it out. This morning I came across this one...
Dear women,
Sucks that we're the only men that appreciate you for your brains, doesn't it?
Thought I would share in it's hilarity. :)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
It's Always Better the Second Time Around...
I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine today. I won't relay the details of his personal life in an attempt to keep his own privacy, but he's someone who can understand the deconstruction of a marriage.
He told me that the reason most second or third marriages last so much longer than first marriages is because both parts of the relationship know exactly what they want, and are no longer shy about asking for it.
I didn't specifically explain to him why I agreed so quickly to his statement, but it felt very accurate.
I am not embarrassed to take my part in the blame of my failed marriage. I've always been a very non-confrontational person, and for years have had issues addressing problems with people from fear of seeming "difficult". With the way things happened between Rick and I, I suppose part of me always felt like I owed him something for staying and so I in turn always tried to be as accommodating as possible, never making him do anything he didn't want to do. I tried a little to hard, never fully expressing what I wanted or needed from him as a partner and in turn he did exactly as he pleased. I expected him to just finally decide that what I wanted was what he wanted and for life to fall into place... it never did.
Now, I'm not saying he didn't have his own part in it. His inability to remain solid in his decisions, the way he ran hot and cold on a day to day basis, his selfishness and his hypocritical standards about what to expect from me in comparison to what to expect from his self had their own hand. Not to mention, his leaving... pretty sure that was the main event.
But I am getting off point. Listening to my friend talk today I realized that I'm getting to the point where I am no longer deciding what I want in a relationship/man by the things that Rick was lacking... I'm realizing things I want because they are the things that I am craving and the things that rather I'm in a committed relationship or just friends with someone remain important to me today.
I want someone who is loyal, honest and extremely family oriented. I want someone decisive and ambitious. I can't be with someone who is always looking for the quickest solution or the easy way of life. I want a man who is willing to suffer to make life great... like me. I want someone who will be content to be calm, and doesn't need the fuss of the lime light 24 hours a day. I want someone who will be affectionate, and loving. I want someone who will make me a top priority, even above himself. And I want someone who will be a good father, who can make the sacrifices necessary to be a good father.
That, that's what I want...
but it's not what I want right now.
He told me that the reason most second or third marriages last so much longer than first marriages is because both parts of the relationship know exactly what they want, and are no longer shy about asking for it.
I didn't specifically explain to him why I agreed so quickly to his statement, but it felt very accurate.
I am not embarrassed to take my part in the blame of my failed marriage. I've always been a very non-confrontational person, and for years have had issues addressing problems with people from fear of seeming "difficult". With the way things happened between Rick and I, I suppose part of me always felt like I owed him something for staying and so I in turn always tried to be as accommodating as possible, never making him do anything he didn't want to do. I tried a little to hard, never fully expressing what I wanted or needed from him as a partner and in turn he did exactly as he pleased. I expected him to just finally decide that what I wanted was what he wanted and for life to fall into place... it never did.
Now, I'm not saying he didn't have his own part in it. His inability to remain solid in his decisions, the way he ran hot and cold on a day to day basis, his selfishness and his hypocritical standards about what to expect from me in comparison to what to expect from his self had their own hand. Not to mention, his leaving... pretty sure that was the main event.
But I am getting off point. Listening to my friend talk today I realized that I'm getting to the point where I am no longer deciding what I want in a relationship/man by the things that Rick was lacking... I'm realizing things I want because they are the things that I am craving and the things that rather I'm in a committed relationship or just friends with someone remain important to me today.
I want someone who is loyal, honest and extremely family oriented. I want someone decisive and ambitious. I can't be with someone who is always looking for the quickest solution or the easy way of life. I want a man who is willing to suffer to make life great... like me. I want someone who will be content to be calm, and doesn't need the fuss of the lime light 24 hours a day. I want someone who will be affectionate, and loving. I want someone who will make me a top priority, even above himself. And I want someone who will be a good father, who can make the sacrifices necessary to be a good father.
That, that's what I want...
but it's not what I want right now.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Bitter Valentine's Day Rant...
I've never had a good Valentines Day. I've always figured they were cursed or I was doomed. It's just a day that never seems to go the way it is planned.
This year is the first year I don't have a Valentine. I figured this might break the string of rough Valentine's Days. Nope. I planned a Single-Ladies Night which turned out to be Eric, Kathryn and me eating lasagna and watching Dead Snow, a nazi-zombie movie.
I am trying very hard to not become cynical, or bitter, or annoyed. I'm trying very very hard to not acknowledge the messages I received today that make me want to respond with "W.T.F?"
But it's hard.
When all I want to do is have someone I can call and tell my good news too, or call and complain to, or even just wrap their arms around me and kiss me on the forehead when I get frustrated over something insignificant. I don't want to be in a relationship right now because God knows I'm not ready for one with everything my heart has been through the past 7 years... but man what I wouldn't give to just have somebody. I'd give almost anything to be kissed softly, and just have someone take care of me... even if it's just for the night.
But that's Valentines Day for you. It always leaves me wishing I had something better... something more. This year it's all that, and more.
This year is the first year I don't have a Valentine. I figured this might break the string of rough Valentine's Days. Nope. I planned a Single-Ladies Night which turned out to be Eric, Kathryn and me eating lasagna and watching Dead Snow, a nazi-zombie movie.
I am trying very hard to not become cynical, or bitter, or annoyed. I'm trying very very hard to not acknowledge the messages I received today that make me want to respond with "W.T.F?"
But it's hard.
When all I want to do is have someone I can call and tell my good news too, or call and complain to, or even just wrap their arms around me and kiss me on the forehead when I get frustrated over something insignificant. I don't want to be in a relationship right now because God knows I'm not ready for one with everything my heart has been through the past 7 years... but man what I wouldn't give to just have somebody. I'd give almost anything to be kissed softly, and just have someone take care of me... even if it's just for the night.
But that's Valentines Day for you. It always leaves me wishing I had something better... something more. This year it's all that, and more.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Dear Dear Dear....
Dear Dreams,
Please stop entertaining my desire for a three-way with Cappie and Evan.
It's just plain mean.
Sincerely,
Sleep Deprived
Dear Creeper,
Yeah, I know you're reading this.
And yeah, I know you're cyber stalking me...
Truthfully,
Don't.Really.Care.
Thoughtfully,
Hope It Gives You Hell...
Dear Mr. I-want-to-have-my-cake-and-eat-it-to,
I've decided to bow out gracefully, because no matter how much you may want me you seem to be pretty smitten with the other side of the equation.
I wish you happiness, and I wish you luck.
The only thing I ask, is think of me fondly if you think of me at all...
Lovingly,
The One That Got Away... twice ;)
Dear 26,
Please be kinder than 25 and I promise,
I'll buy you a pony.
Love,
Seriously... is it really almost that time again?
Please stop entertaining my desire for a three-way with Cappie and Evan.
It's just plain mean.
Sincerely,
Sleep Deprived
Dear Creeper,
Yeah, I know you're reading this.
And yeah, I know you're cyber stalking me...
Truthfully,
Don't.Really.Care.
Thoughtfully,
Hope It Gives You Hell...
Dear Mr. I-want-to-have-my-cake-and-eat-it-to,
I've decided to bow out gracefully, because no matter how much you may want me you seem to be pretty smitten with the other side of the equation.
I wish you happiness, and I wish you luck.
The only thing I ask, is think of me fondly if you think of me at all...
Lovingly,
The One That Got Away... twice ;)
Dear 26,
Please be kinder than 25 and I promise,
I'll buy you a pony.
Love,
Seriously... is it really almost that time again?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Drunken Confessions...
1. I'm a shameless flirt when I am craving attention.
2. I am far more mouthy about my awesomeness when I've had a few.
3. I will kick your ass at Wii Bowling/Archery/ ect.
4. I miss the "good times" more then I care to.
5. Yes, yes I'm jealous.
6. Damn it, I miss you... and it sucks.
2. I am far more mouthy about my awesomeness when I've had a few.
3. I will kick your ass at Wii Bowling/Archery/ ect.
4. I miss the "good times" more then I care to.
5. Yes, yes I'm jealous.
6. Damn it, I miss you... and it sucks.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
it never takes too long...
but you're neither friend nor foe
thought i cant seem to let you go
but the one thing that i still know
is that you're keeping me, down.....
Is it Bad...
Is it bad that a large part of me is waiting for an apology that's never going to come?
I'm starting to think I'll tell the story of us
how I was losing my mind when I saw you here
but you held you pride like you should have held me...
I'm starting to think I'll tell the story of us
how I was losing my mind when I saw you here
but you held you pride like you should have held me...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Lonely Girl 101
I promised my return to my readers and I extend my apologies again for vanishing like I have. Between finalizing my separation from my soon-to-be (but not soon enough) ex husband and moving my daughter and myself into our own place things have been hectic. But I stand before you 10 pounds lighter, internet in tow, willing to share the intimate details of my life with you...
well, maybe not the intimate details... but close enough.
I recently had the epiphany that I am the stereotypical "lonely girl". I don't mean that in the sense that I am a female and I am lonely, but I seem to be ever man's "i'm lonely" fix these days.
Rather it be a failing marriage, long distance drama, a doomed relationship or a rebound every man I know rather it be an ex, a friend, or an acquaintance seems to call me only when they are lonely. Let me explain that not all of them try to get into my pants. Some just want me to stroke their egos. They flirt with friendly banter until their loneliness fades and then so do they.
I mean, when you think about it I married a man who only wanted me around when he was lonely.
What does that say about me?
I don't really know how it reflects on me. In some ways it makes me feel good because it means that I am someone people can come to when they are down and be cheered back up. I'm someone people can count on.
But on the other hand, it makes me feel a little like I'm just a momentary fix to an easily solved problem. Always the back up. That can kill the little bit of self-esteem my ten pounds dropped has provided.
I don't know. It's just something I've been thinking about. I guess you can call me Lonely Girl...
I sound like a pre-teen CW drama.
well, maybe not the intimate details... but close enough.
I recently had the epiphany that I am the stereotypical "lonely girl". I don't mean that in the sense that I am a female and I am lonely, but I seem to be ever man's "i'm lonely" fix these days.
Rather it be a failing marriage, long distance drama, a doomed relationship or a rebound every man I know rather it be an ex, a friend, or an acquaintance seems to call me only when they are lonely. Let me explain that not all of them try to get into my pants. Some just want me to stroke their egos. They flirt with friendly banter until their loneliness fades and then so do they.
I mean, when you think about it I married a man who only wanted me around when he was lonely.
What does that say about me?
I don't really know how it reflects on me. In some ways it makes me feel good because it means that I am someone people can come to when they are down and be cheered back up. I'm someone people can count on.
But on the other hand, it makes me feel a little like I'm just a momentary fix to an easily solved problem. Always the back up. That can kill the little bit of self-esteem my ten pounds dropped has provided.
I don't know. It's just something I've been thinking about. I guess you can call me Lonely Girl...
I sound like a pre-teen CW drama.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
5am advice
Advice to a friend of mine at 5am...
Its easy to clinge to the best in people, especially when they prove to be nothing more than the worst because if we admit there's only the worst we become the fools...
Sometimes my brilliance shocks me. :-)
Its easy to clinge to the best in people, especially when they prove to be nothing more than the worst because if we admit there's only the worst we become the fools...
Sometimes my brilliance shocks me. :-)
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