What doesn't kill you...

People who build you up. People who inspire you. People who break you. People who enter and exit your life without you noticing. People who shape you. People who you help create.

The other night I was conversing with a dear friend of mine when he said, "... I am a master at keeping people well past an arms length from my heart... She not only broke my heart, but my soul as well..." This conversation, these words have lingered in my bones for days. They have dangled like chandelier earrings while I brush my teeth in the mirror each morning. They have massaged my scalp, repeating as I wash, rinse, repeat. It's not the notion, the idea of being broken by someone. I am more than experienced with the devastation rooted in a broken heart. It's the idea that has wedged itself in between the curve of the B, lounging like James Dean on the T. People, and how a person can effect us.

It is wildly debated, does a person have power over us or do we ALLOW them to have power over us. I really don't know how I feel about that. I know that even though I walk around daily with a false bravado and confidence brushing my shoulders like my red curls what people say haunts me. Is that because I ALLOW it to, or because the truth is people are what makes the person?

I can think, without strain, of at least five people who have helped shape me into the woman I am today. A neighbor who let me borrow her sexy romance novels when I was 12. A man who I was too scared to call "Dad." A teacher who taught me to read. A man who engulfed every ounce of me like a Cuban cigar, letting me stain his fingertips and make a home of his lungs, just close enough to his heart to make me feel warm before releasing me into the stale, cool air. Women who inspire me. Women who encourage me. Women who are better than me.

A person is the company they keep. A person is the experiences they have.

I think people need to focus more on what is going on, instead of what is ahead. The stranger sitting two seats in front of you on the bus, the girl who brings you your pasta bowl refill, the boy who rotates your tires... who is the judge on what is significant? Who decides what is significant, and what will or won't effect you years down the line.

I know I carry with me far more than I ever expected from the people who I have crossed paths with. But, at the end of the day it is those things I carry that create the creative, loving, affectionate, ambitious, ruthless woman I am today.

I feel no shame in that. Maybe hesitation. Perhaps a little fear. Even a little resistance. But no shame.

Conversation...

conversation between a friend and me...

ME: makes you wonder about what love?

HIM: About the person u are with and who that person has been with and if its still going on....lol... i could rant forever on that topic.

ME: I'm not with anyone

HIM: Just in general

ME: oh, ok

HIM: besides you arnt with someone by choice

ME: not entirely true

HIM: what part is false

ME: i am not alone by choice, i am alone because i won't settle for less than what i want

HIM: i like that, just dont make my mistakes

ME: what do you mean?

HIM: finding what you want and not knowing until it was to late

ME: I know what I want... I just doubt it's in the cards for me

HIM: and that is?

ME: specifically... someone who knows me well enough to know when to be sweet and when to allow me to be argumentative. Someone who cherishes me, can make me cackle, calms me down. Loves Evelyn. Loves the good and the bad in me while still letting me indulge in the fact that I am a crazy girl occasionally...someone who is going to make me feel like I'm worth a damn. thats just the tip of the iceberg though

HIM: sound like unconditional love

 

 

PRECISELY... 

It's Always Better the Second Time Around...

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine today. I won't relay the details of his personal life in an attempt to keep his own privacy, but he's someone who can understand the deconstruction of a marriage.

He told me that the reason most second or third marriages last so much longer than first marriages is because both parts of the relationship know exactly what they want, and are no longer shy about asking for it.

I didn't specifically explain to him why I agreed so quickly to his statement, but it felt very accurate.

I am not embarrassed to take my part in the blame of my failed marriage. I've always been a very non-confrontational person, and for years have had issues addressing problems with people from fear of seeming "difficult". With the way things happened between Rick and I, I suppose part of me always felt like I owed him something for staying and so I in turn always tried to be as accommodating as possible, never making him do anything he didn't want to do. I tried a little to hard, never fully expressing what I wanted or needed from him as a partner and in turn he did exactly as he pleased. I expected him to just finally decide that what I wanted was what he wanted and for life to fall into place... it never did.

Now, I'm not saying he didn't have his own part in it. His inability to remain solid in his decisions, the way he ran hot and cold on a day to day basis, his selfishness and his hypocritical standards about what to expect from me in comparison to what to expect from his self had their own hand. Not to mention, his leaving... pretty sure that was the main event.

But I am getting off point. Listening to my friend talk today I realized that I'm getting to the point where I am no longer deciding what I want in a relationship/man by the things that Rick was lacking... I'm realizing things I want because they are the things that I am craving and the things that rather I'm in a committed relationship or just friends with someone remain important to me today.

I want someone who is loyal, honest and extremely family oriented. I want someone decisive and ambitious. I can't be with someone who is always looking for the quickest solution or the easy way of life. I want a man who is willing to suffer to make life great... like me. I want someone who will be content to be calm, and doesn't need the fuss of the lime light 24 hours a day. I want someone who will be affectionate, and loving. I want someone who will make me a top priority, even above himself. And I want someone who will be a good father, who can make the sacrifices necessary to be a good father.

That, that's what I want...
but it's not what I want right now.