Any woman who has only indulged in a bowl of lucky charms and worked around food all evening is entitled to eat Seafood Portifino with her fingers while driving home after work.
There is no shame in my game.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Things I Have No Right To Talk About...
I have no right to talk about other people, or make judgments on their situations. I choose to air my dirty laundry via the internet, make it public to anyone with eyes and enough sense to look... but I've been wanting to talk about this for awhile.
My younger brother is in a very precarious position. His girlfriend is 6 months pregnant. Now, I'm not saying he doesn't love Kasey because she is very lovable... and I'm not saying he's only staying for the baby, because I'm not but it's just a hard situation to watch.
And maybe it's my own experience, my own... I don't know if you would call it guilt but just my own. When you're in that situation, when it wasn't planned and it just happens regardless of the circumstances how can anyone ever be 100% sure they are there for the right reasons?
And it makes me wonder... did Rick have those same doubts about Evelyn and me. No matter how many times he told me he loved me, or wanted to make a family with me, or that he was 110% sure that he was in it fully and completely could he have ever been really sure? Can he ever be?
I don't know if any man, or even any woman can ever be sure they are in that relationship for the right reasons. Even now I'm not sure I was...
I loved Rick. I'll never deny that, but now when I feel as numb as I do and indifferent as I do I wonder if my heart was ever really in it all the way.
And I think that kills me more than thinking his never was.
But who knows, maybe I am wrong.
My younger brother is in a very precarious position. His girlfriend is 6 months pregnant. Now, I'm not saying he doesn't love Kasey because she is very lovable... and I'm not saying he's only staying for the baby, because I'm not but it's just a hard situation to watch.
And maybe it's my own experience, my own... I don't know if you would call it guilt but just my own. When you're in that situation, when it wasn't planned and it just happens regardless of the circumstances how can anyone ever be 100% sure they are there for the right reasons?
And it makes me wonder... did Rick have those same doubts about Evelyn and me. No matter how many times he told me he loved me, or wanted to make a family with me, or that he was 110% sure that he was in it fully and completely could he have ever been really sure? Can he ever be?
I don't know if any man, or even any woman can ever be sure they are in that relationship for the right reasons. Even now I'm not sure I was...
I loved Rick. I'll never deny that, but now when I feel as numb as I do and indifferent as I do I wonder if my heart was ever really in it all the way.
And I think that kills me more than thinking his never was.
But who knows, maybe I am wrong.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Strength From a Friend...
It's not now or never.
It's not black, and it's not white.
Anything worth anything takes more than a few days
and a long, long night.
Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.
You can't do it all alone, and if you could
would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down.
The best made plans are your open hands.
Rest your head.
You've got two pillows to choose from
in a queen-sized bed.
Hold out for the moon
but don't expect connection any time soon.
Feel the light caress your fingertips.
You have just begun, the word has only left your lips.
Maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun
you're wrapped around the sun.
Thank you, BM <3
It's not black, and it's not white.
Anything worth anything takes more than a few days
and a long, long night.
Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.
You can't do it all alone, and if you could
would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down.
The best made plans are your open hands.
Rest your head.
You've got two pillows to choose from
in a queen-sized bed.
Hold out for the moon
but don't expect connection any time soon.
Feel the light caress your fingertips.
You have just begun, the word has only left your lips.
Maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun
you're wrapped around the sun.
Thank you, BM <3
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
You talking to me?
Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
PostSecret Sunday (better late than never)
The Last thing my dad said to me
was that he wished we had spent more time together...
I still can't stop dwelling on that.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Cause Maybe, After All
Significant Moment #1682
Age: 19
Location: Raleigh, NC - NC State University Poetry Slam
Mental State: Panic, unable to breath as I prepared to stand in front of a large room and read three poems for the first time.
He leaned in, and began to sing along with the acoustic set on stage in my ear, calming my breathing and steadying my racing heart.
Cause Maybe, After all....
You're my wonderwall.
Age: 19
Location: Raleigh, NC - NC State University Poetry Slam
Mental State: Panic, unable to breath as I prepared to stand in front of a large room and read three poems for the first time.
He leaned in, and began to sing along with the acoustic set on stage in my ear, calming my breathing and steadying my racing heart.
Cause Maybe, After all....
You're my wonderwall.
Modern Days with Ancient Ideas
My last table of the night today was a young couple. The girl smiled at me as she rubbed her bulging belly.
"When are you due?" I asked politely.
"March 18th actually." She smiled across the table at her husband who was grinning from ear to ear. "It's a little girl."
"Congratulations." I beamed and offered to get them another refill of breadsticks.
As I walked away from the table I had to bite my lower lip to keep myself from crying.
A year ago, I was her. I was the happy, excited, in love woman with the bulging belly and the beaming husband. March 18th, the exact same day Evelyn was due. To be specific, if you were to ask me where I was a year ago to this exact moment I could tell you simply. I was preparing to get married at 10am tomorrow morning.
Thinking about this, and seeing her so happy and full of hope and promise breaks every inch of my already shattered heart. Some days, I wish I had not been so idealistic about how things were going to work out. And sometimes, sometimes I would give anything to go back to that day, to feel loved and beautiful and wanted and worthy.
I miss that feeling. I'm hoping it comes back soon.
To that happy, excited, enthusiastic couple: I wish you all the love, happiness and luck in the world. Perhaps you can succeed where I've failed.
"When are you due?" I asked politely.
"March 18th actually." She smiled across the table at her husband who was grinning from ear to ear. "It's a little girl."
"Congratulations." I beamed and offered to get them another refill of breadsticks.
As I walked away from the table I had to bite my lower lip to keep myself from crying.
A year ago, I was her. I was the happy, excited, in love woman with the bulging belly and the beaming husband. March 18th, the exact same day Evelyn was due. To be specific, if you were to ask me where I was a year ago to this exact moment I could tell you simply. I was preparing to get married at 10am tomorrow morning.
Thinking about this, and seeing her so happy and full of hope and promise breaks every inch of my already shattered heart. Some days, I wish I had not been so idealistic about how things were going to work out. And sometimes, sometimes I would give anything to go back to that day, to feel loved and beautiful and wanted and worthy.
I miss that feeling. I'm hoping it comes back soon.
To that happy, excited, enthusiastic couple: I wish you all the love, happiness and luck in the world. Perhaps you can succeed where I've failed.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sleepless in Solitude
I find myself sitting before the glowing screen of my laptop after midnight yet again. For once, it is not my daughter keeping me awake all hours of the night. For the first time in almost a week Evelyn is sleeping like the sweet little angel she is.
No, tonight I find myself awake, scrolling through web-pages and blogs searching for something. Some kind of a connection. Something to bring me back to where I belong.
I just finished watching Eat, Pray, Love and found myself trying to clothe my wounds in her words. To associate, to turn my own failed marriage, and heartbreak into hers. And then, I watched Sex in the City 2 and found myself trying to characterize the men in my life along with Carrie's. Who is my Mr. Big? Who would be my Aiden?
It's disheartening. This need I have to imitate art. Art is suppose to imitate life. Not the other way around. Perhaps I am just desperately seeking answers, seeking solutions. If I do what they do, if I say what they say, if I make my life into theirs then perhaps for a fleeting moment it will all make sense and as I feel the approach of the closing credits my Happy Ever After will be waiting in a black Lincoln down stairs. My salvation will be a medicine man in Bali, leading me through meditation and allowing me to find my own means of prayer.
But like they say, that stuff only happens in the movies.
It's not real. In reality Julia Roberts is happily married with twins. And Sarah Jessica Parker... happily married as well.
I think I just ruined my point.
Maybe the unhappiness is just in me.
No, tonight I find myself awake, scrolling through web-pages and blogs searching for something. Some kind of a connection. Something to bring me back to where I belong.
I just finished watching Eat, Pray, Love and found myself trying to clothe my wounds in her words. To associate, to turn my own failed marriage, and heartbreak into hers. And then, I watched Sex in the City 2 and found myself trying to characterize the men in my life along with Carrie's. Who is my Mr. Big? Who would be my Aiden?
It's disheartening. This need I have to imitate art. Art is suppose to imitate life. Not the other way around. Perhaps I am just desperately seeking answers, seeking solutions. If I do what they do, if I say what they say, if I make my life into theirs then perhaps for a fleeting moment it will all make sense and as I feel the approach of the closing credits my Happy Ever After will be waiting in a black Lincoln down stairs. My salvation will be a medicine man in Bali, leading me through meditation and allowing me to find my own means of prayer.
But like they say, that stuff only happens in the movies.
It's not real. In reality Julia Roberts is happily married with twins. And Sarah Jessica Parker... happily married as well.
I think I just ruined my point.
Maybe the unhappiness is just in me.
Over Denver
L'amor che move il sole e l'altre stelle...
The love that moves the sun and the other stars.
PostSecret Sunday
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Outside the Ordinary World
About two months ago I was walking around a local bookstore with one of my best friends, desperately trying to find a new novel to perk up my old passion for reading. I ended up leaving the store with two, one titled Dismantled, I handed over immediately to my sister-in-law Kasey. The other I set aside for myself to read whenever I finally found the time.
For weeks now I've been picking at the pages, reading a chapter here, a chapter there. This past week however I have found myself completely engrossed in the storyline.
I originally picked up the book due to my own interest in marital affairs. A very close friend of mine, who I have known was unhappy in his marriage, had previously confessed to me how he had been lingering on the edge of inappropriate behavior with an old girlfriend from high school. He was struggling with the idea of entering into a physical affair for many of the obvious reasons.
I'm almost ashamed to admit the amount of inspiration I received from this conversation, intrigued how he clasped his hands together as he spoke about a "momentary fix to a larger problem." I immediately came home and wrote the for the first time in years. The poem, Married Men, came naturally. But something about the form didn't feel right to me. I decided to attempt it as a short story instead but was having no luck with any aspects of the story other than dialogue.
That is why finding this book on that particular day was such an incredible find. I knew it would help lead my inspiration to the proper place.
I was surprised to find that I connected so quickly with the main character, both in childhood and adult life. The story goes back and forth between 1970's and early 2000's describing both her mothers affair and the affair that I imagine she is about to begin (as far as I am in the book it's still developing).
I've never had an affair. Honestly, it's not like I would have really had time. Rick and I separated only 6 months into our marriage. As far as I knew the Honeymoon phase was still in effect, but shadowed by new-parent syndrome. But following her decent, I can see the seduction of something new and fresh.
It has me questioning my belief in marriage, because eventually... doesn't the passion run out. And then the only thing left holding people together is mutual loyalty and respect. I admire those who can maintain that while changing individually.
I recently had an ex-boyfriend of mine remind me that I had always sworn I wouldn't get married, that it was not even a feasible option to me. "What changed" he asked, his eyes wide with wonder?
I considered the question... and responded with, "he was very convincing." Part of me wonders if I should have responded with, "I'm a gullible girl who thought forever meant more than a year." I can be so stupid sometimes.
My point though. I am really enjoying the book, and I think women everywhere should read it. To see how different roads can lead you down different paths, and how easy it is to lose your way. I'll keep you posted when I am done with it, to let you know how I like the ending. Till then.
I originally picked up the book due to my own interest in marital affairs. A very close friend of mine, who I have known was unhappy in his marriage, had previously confessed to me how he had been lingering on the edge of inappropriate behavior with an old girlfriend from high school. He was struggling with the idea of entering into a physical affair for many of the obvious reasons.
I'm almost ashamed to admit the amount of inspiration I received from this conversation, intrigued how he clasped his hands together as he spoke about a "momentary fix to a larger problem." I immediately came home and wrote the for the first time in years. The poem, Married Men, came naturally. But something about the form didn't feel right to me. I decided to attempt it as a short story instead but was having no luck with any aspects of the story other than dialogue.
That is why finding this book on that particular day was such an incredible find. I knew it would help lead my inspiration to the proper place.
I was surprised to find that I connected so quickly with the main character, both in childhood and adult life. The story goes back and forth between 1970's and early 2000's describing both her mothers affair and the affair that I imagine she is about to begin (as far as I am in the book it's still developing).
I've never had an affair. Honestly, it's not like I would have really had time. Rick and I separated only 6 months into our marriage. As far as I knew the Honeymoon phase was still in effect, but shadowed by new-parent syndrome. But following her decent, I can see the seduction of something new and fresh.
It has me questioning my belief in marriage, because eventually... doesn't the passion run out. And then the only thing left holding people together is mutual loyalty and respect. I admire those who can maintain that while changing individually.
I recently had an ex-boyfriend of mine remind me that I had always sworn I wouldn't get married, that it was not even a feasible option to me. "What changed" he asked, his eyes wide with wonder?
I considered the question... and responded with, "he was very convincing." Part of me wonders if I should have responded with, "I'm a gullible girl who thought forever meant more than a year." I can be so stupid sometimes.
My point though. I am really enjoying the book, and I think women everywhere should read it. To see how different roads can lead you down different paths, and how easy it is to lose your way. I'll keep you posted when I am done with it, to let you know how I like the ending. Till then.
The Terribly Awful, No Good, Very Bad, Bad, Bad Day....
Exhibit A: A daughter who refuses to sleep for more than maybe an hour at a time due to an unknown evil force. Could it be her eighth and final tooth breaking through her pink gums? Could it be something lurking deeper, in her ears causing her to throw such fits and want to sleep only, and I mean ONLY when I have her swaddled tightly in her fuzzy white blanket, rocking back and forth? This equals three nights without good, solid rest for Momma... and too many pots of coffee.
Exhibit B: Husband/Ex-Husband/Estranged Husband... he'd have to give you his own title. And the exhibit should stand on it's own on principle, no explanation needed. But he feeds into Exhibit A....
Exhibit C: The front bumper of my car, or should I say... the LACK there of. My little brother ripped it off my car this morning with the back bumper of the Truck trying to move it. Why? Who can really say. And you would think with a body-man/mechanic my little brother would be able to have it fixed in a jiffy right. Nope. He says it might take a week. I have no way to travel to work this evening, which means less money for me this week which means, you guessed it... MORE STRESS. Oh karma... you're too good to me ::bats eyelashes::
So something tells me today would not be the day to play my lucky numbers on the powerball and expect to win big money.
Excuse me while I go run my head into a cement wall....
Exhibit B: Husband/Ex-Husband/Estranged Husband... he'd have to give you his own title. And the exhibit should stand on it's own on principle, no explanation needed. But he feeds into Exhibit A....
Exhibit C: The front bumper of my car, or should I say... the LACK there of. My little brother ripped it off my car this morning with the back bumper of the Truck trying to move it. Why? Who can really say. And you would think with a body-man/mechanic my little brother would be able to have it fixed in a jiffy right. Nope. He says it might take a week. I have no way to travel to work this evening, which means less money for me this week which means, you guessed it... MORE STRESS. Oh karma... you're too good to me ::bats eyelashes::
So something tells me today would not be the day to play my lucky numbers on the powerball and expect to win big money.
Excuse me while I go run my head into a cement wall....
Friday, December 3, 2010
Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginnings End...
I've been restless for days. I feel the weight of life hovering over me, lingering with it's frigid smile. I've tried out running it, I've tried bribing it, I've even tried embracing it like an old friend. Every attempt is a waste of my fleeting energy.
I feel this need to peel back my flesh, layer by burnt layer, to get to the bare bone. I want to fall into a pool of truth, like a child being baptized. I want it to wash over me, and seep into the cracks of my character like puddy, making me whole again.
I keep reminding myself that in the South, the bitter Winter wind never lasts too long. That soon, Spring will clothe me in it's warm sunshine and soft fragrance of hope and rebirth.
Maybe that's why I crave the clean slate of a new blog. A new beginning. A new start. If only I can stick with it, perhaps I can find salvation in between the curve of my R's or the upside down smile of every M I write.
Stranger things have happened.
I feel this need to peel back my flesh, layer by burnt layer, to get to the bare bone. I want to fall into a pool of truth, like a child being baptized. I want it to wash over me, and seep into the cracks of my character like puddy, making me whole again.
I keep reminding myself that in the South, the bitter Winter wind never lasts too long. That soon, Spring will clothe me in it's warm sunshine and soft fragrance of hope and rebirth.
Maybe that's why I crave the clean slate of a new blog. A new beginning. A new start. If only I can stick with it, perhaps I can find salvation in between the curve of my R's or the upside down smile of every M I write.
Stranger things have happened.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)