Dealing with all of the emotional turmoil of the past several days I have yet to comment on Peace College’s announcement Thursday that they are transitioning to a co-ed college and changing their name to William Peace College beginning Fall 2012.
I hate to admit I was not surprised by the announcement since Peace College’s admissions have steadily been declining the past few years, but my lack of surprise does not alleviate my sadness at their finalized decision.
I was privileged and fortunate enough to graduate from Salem College, a women’s college, in 2007. Salem is an institution that has stood for tradition, honesty, and academic excellence for nearly 239 years. When you first access the website you see the words “Confidence,” “Education,” and “Career.” A women’s college education is about seeking the best, and being the best. It was one of the many reasons why I chose a women’s college compared to a more traditional co-ed education. Tom Matlack described it best in a recent article published at Scribd.com when he quoted a senior at Barnard College. “Three percent of women graduating from high school go to women’s colleges, and yet 30 percent of congresswomen went to women’s colleges and 20 percent of the female CEOs.” We are women who do not discuss change. We are the women who demand, instigate, and channel change.
I am fully aware of the stigma that surrounds a women’s college education. They are a breeding ground for radical feminists. My close male friend’s favorite opinion during my college years was that a women’s college is basically a brothel. I don’t think people realize the benefits that a woman receives from a single-sex education. First off, there are smaller classrooms, more intensive curriculum, better networking opportunities, and the ability to focus. Salem had even more to offer it’s students, including the Center for Women’s Writers, hundreds of years of sisterhood and tradition, the beautiful surroundings of Old Salem, and my personal favorite, Dr. Jo Dulan who, to this day, is one of the most brilliant women I have ever encountered.
So despite some peoples belief that Women’s Colleges are a dying institution, that they are outdated, and an ancient ideology I am truly sad by Peace College’s decision to make the transition. So many colleges are making the change and it’s denying so many young women the same opportunities that I had, and that all the women before me had.
There are nearly 60 institutions in the United States that offer a same-sex education for women. Compare that to the 5 institutions in the United States that offer a same-sex education for men and begin to wonder why there are so few.
One could wager a guess. But I suppose that is an entirely different subject.
Regardless of my sadness and disappointment, I will support the women and the alumni of Peace College. I feel for their loss, and fear the eventual loss of many more women’s colleges in the upcoming years.
Women’s Colleges and Salem College stand strong.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Something is better than nothing.
Shattered promises
torn at corners
like broken pieces
scattered across hardwood floors.
Illusions linger in the shards,
flirting their way into the crevices
of my fingertips.
It seeps into my blood stream,
like venom tainting
the well oiled machine
I have created in the wake
of sunlight on an empty bedspread.
Broken.
I crumple across the floor
and force a connection with the reflection
scattered beneath me.
The girl who was.
The girl who is.
The girl who should have...
torn at corners
like broken pieces
scattered across hardwood floors.
Illusions linger in the shards,
flirting their way into the crevices
of my fingertips.
It seeps into my blood stream,
like venom tainting
the well oiled machine
I have created in the wake
of sunlight on an empty bedspread.
Broken.
I crumple across the floor
and force a connection with the reflection
scattered beneath me.
The girl who was.
The girl who is.
The girl who should have...
Epiphany...
I'm going to try to write this all down, but between my general exhaustion and the emotional exhaustion I am now consumed by I am not entirely sure if I can.
The last 24 hours have been very, enlightening to me. I realized I'm not ready to be dating. Charles was a very nice guy, and I really enjoyed dinner and the conversation but I'm just not ready. It's not that I'm not over Rick, I'm not over the relationship and I'm not over the hurt. I've spent the last eight years of my life in emotionally tense, exhausting, difficult relationships that had me turning myself inside out and twisting the pieces. I'm so burnt out on relationships that even the thought of getting involved with someone makes me nauseous. I'm not guarded, I'm locked down and I don't see anyone changing that any time soon. So what's the point? I'm just washing my hands of men, I'm washing my hands of dating. I'm just done.
In other news, Rick and I sat down tonight and talked. We "cleared the air" so to speak, agreeing that the anger, fighting and jabs back and forth needed to stop. We've lost focus on what's important, which is consistency and stability for Evelyn. The conversation was a lot calmer than I believe either of us thought it would be. We were both apprehensive. And a lot of things got settled. Things still feel awkward, and things will never be as easy between us as they were... but it's a start. Like Rick said, we are now on the same page, and we will just keep trying when it comes to everything else till we get it right.
But as he drove away I sat in my car in my driveway and cried. I don't know exactly what came over me. If it was letting go of all of that hate, or feeling shame in the way we've been behaving, sadness to see him go... I don't know. But it felt good to cry. I feel like it was something I had been bottling in and needed to let out.
Perhaps I can finally get some sleep. Or better yet, write some more.
The last 24 hours have been very, enlightening to me. I realized I'm not ready to be dating. Charles was a very nice guy, and I really enjoyed dinner and the conversation but I'm just not ready. It's not that I'm not over Rick, I'm not over the relationship and I'm not over the hurt. I've spent the last eight years of my life in emotionally tense, exhausting, difficult relationships that had me turning myself inside out and twisting the pieces. I'm so burnt out on relationships that even the thought of getting involved with someone makes me nauseous. I'm not guarded, I'm locked down and I don't see anyone changing that any time soon. So what's the point? I'm just washing my hands of men, I'm washing my hands of dating. I'm just done.
In other news, Rick and I sat down tonight and talked. We "cleared the air" so to speak, agreeing that the anger, fighting and jabs back and forth needed to stop. We've lost focus on what's important, which is consistency and stability for Evelyn. The conversation was a lot calmer than I believe either of us thought it would be. We were both apprehensive. And a lot of things got settled. Things still feel awkward, and things will never be as easy between us as they were... but it's a start. Like Rick said, we are now on the same page, and we will just keep trying when it comes to everything else till we get it right.
But as he drove away I sat in my car in my driveway and cried. I don't know exactly what came over me. If it was letting go of all of that hate, or feeling shame in the way we've been behaving, sadness to see him go... I don't know. But it felt good to cry. I feel like it was something I had been bottling in and needed to let out.
Perhaps I can finally get some sleep. Or better yet, write some more.
Friday, July 22, 2011
I'd had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over...
I am loving Adele's new CD, 21 this morning. It has kept a permanent spot in my CD player for months, and it just gets better every time I listen to it.
So, I have a date Saturday night. And I'm really considering canceling it. I have been on exactly three dates since Rick and I split over a year ago. Three, and only one of those was with someone I didn't know. The other two were people I had known for years. Three... and all of those first dates. One hung out once or twice after, the other two not so much. Regardless, I can't seem to get past date two with anyone. I just don't seem to have it in me. They either have some small feature that I loving refer to as a "Scottonism", meaning some aspect of their personality reminds me of Rick rather it be good or bad and that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach or I just can't make the time.Actually, the more I think about it... they ALL had Scottonisms. :-/
And it's not that I'm not ready. I've been over the whole separation/divorce thing for awhile. I'm just nervous. I'm ten times more guarded then I was three years ago when I met Rick. I'm not as open to the possibility, or hope of good things. I don't know if I even really know how to let a guy be nice to me. I still don't feel like myself.
My best friend Kat asks why I want to date then, if I'm so anxious and nervous and nauseous over the idea. It's really simple. It's not that I want a relationship, or to replace Rick, or find Evelyn a "new daddy" as some people joke about. I would just really love to meet some new people. Being a single mom, and working two jobs I really have no time for me, and so the thought of sitting down for a nice dinner and adult conversation with someone I'm trying to get to know excites me. And he does seem like a very sweet guy who I would get along with really well.
I just wish I wasn't so burnt out on the idea of being involved with someone. I wish it didn't feel so pointless.
So, I have a date Saturday night. And I'm really considering canceling it. I have been on exactly three dates since Rick and I split over a year ago. Three, and only one of those was with someone I didn't know. The other two were people I had known for years. Three... and all of those first dates. One hung out once or twice after, the other two not so much. Regardless, I can't seem to get past date two with anyone. I just don't seem to have it in me. They either have some small feature that I loving refer to as a "Scottonism", meaning some aspect of their personality reminds me of Rick rather it be good or bad and that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach or I just can't make the time.Actually, the more I think about it... they ALL had Scottonisms. :-/
And it's not that I'm not ready. I've been over the whole separation/divorce thing for awhile. I'm just nervous. I'm ten times more guarded then I was three years ago when I met Rick. I'm not as open to the possibility, or hope of good things. I don't know if I even really know how to let a guy be nice to me. I still don't feel like myself.
My best friend Kat asks why I want to date then, if I'm so anxious and nervous and nauseous over the idea. It's really simple. It's not that I want a relationship, or to replace Rick, or find Evelyn a "new daddy" as some people joke about. I would just really love to meet some new people. Being a single mom, and working two jobs I really have no time for me, and so the thought of sitting down for a nice dinner and adult conversation with someone I'm trying to get to know excites me. And he does seem like a very sweet guy who I would get along with really well.
I just wish I wasn't so burnt out on the idea of being involved with someone. I wish it didn't feel so pointless.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Milestones.
So today is the day. A big day. Who would have known that July 21 would feel so significant to me. It looks like any other day. The air is muggy due to the humidity. Lincoln County desperately needs the rain that we have been promised all week.
So what makes today so significant?
Well for one thing Evelyn turned 16 months old at 4:20 a.m. this morning.
Today also marks the 1 year anniversary of the day Rick moved out. I should feel relieved I suppose, the year of drama and anxiety and stress and exhaustion and harsh words and hard times and pure brokenness is almost over. We can officially file for our divorce, and hopefully with our conversation scheduled for Sunday night clear the air between us so we can move past our mutual animosity towards one another and get our focus back on what is important... Evelyn.
Regardless, I think I will allow myself to indulge in a little sadness today. And reflect. It's been a hard year. One of the most challenging I've had since 2007 when Gene passed away.
But I survived. Hell, I've prevailed.
So what makes today so significant?
Well for one thing Evelyn turned 16 months old at 4:20 a.m. this morning.
Today also marks the 1 year anniversary of the day Rick moved out. I should feel relieved I suppose, the year of drama and anxiety and stress and exhaustion and harsh words and hard times and pure brokenness is almost over. We can officially file for our divorce, and hopefully with our conversation scheduled for Sunday night clear the air between us so we can move past our mutual animosity towards one another and get our focus back on what is important... Evelyn.
Regardless, I think I will allow myself to indulge in a little sadness today. And reflect. It's been a hard year. One of the most challenging I've had since 2007 when Gene passed away.
But I survived. Hell, I've prevailed.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
You wouldn't believe me if I told you...
Flesh
with it's constant motion
like a humming bird
fluttering frantically,
seeking a connection
to the blue
sky that expands
with each
exhausted breath.
Melt
into the carbon
fibers lingering along,
inch by inch,
tickling like the finger tips
of a stranger.
Heavy,
Weave into them
like patchwork, mending brokenness
in the silent still moment
when i inject my veins with poetry
and drift
like wheels on the pavement.
with it's constant motion
like a humming bird
fluttering frantically,
seeking a connection
to the blue
sky that expands
with each
exhausted breath.
Melt
into the carbon
fibers lingering along,
inch by inch,
tickling like the finger tips
of a stranger.
Heavy,
Weave into them
like patchwork, mending brokenness
in the silent still moment
when i inject my veins with poetry
and drift
like wheels on the pavement.
unraveling...
I'm trying really hard to hold it together. I took the pieces of my soul and looped and twisted until they were wrapped around and nuzzled into each other. I can feel them beginning to fray, piece by piece and the knot I tried to tie is beginning to loosen. I grasp at it, trying to hold the pieces together, trying desperately to make the knot last and stop the fraying.
I'm unraveling.
My heart is betraying me.
And I'm feeling lost.
I'm unraveling.
My heart is betraying me.
And I'm feeling lost.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Signs You're Losing You Mind
You spend 20 minutes looking for your keys only to realize they are attached to your belt loop.
You walk out of Foodlion with $40 worth of groceries in you buggy, and then realize you never went through the check out line.
When you lose your glasses you tend to find them in the cabinet, on top of the fridge, or in the dryer.
Popcorn gets cold because you forgot you made it until you go to make something else in the microwave the next day.
You can't remember if you shampooed your hair in the shower.
I feel like a basket-case some days...
You walk out of Foodlion with $40 worth of groceries in you buggy, and then realize you never went through the check out line.
When you lose your glasses you tend to find them in the cabinet, on top of the fridge, or in the dryer.
Popcorn gets cold because you forgot you made it until you go to make something else in the microwave the next day.
You can't remember if you shampooed your hair in the shower.
I feel like a basket-case some days...
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I remember...
Once upon a time there was a man who looked at me like this. It kills me to admit how badly I miss it, but I do.
You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love
When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Had a love
You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault
Wasn’t in your intentions
You the one here talking to me
You don’t wanna listen
But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don’t be mad
Nobody else trippin
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook
See You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
Oooh,
See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yeah
And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual
Far from the usual
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare, the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Never had a love
When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
For a second you were here
Why you over there?
Its hard not to stare the way you moving your body
Like you never had a love
Had a love
You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault
Wasn’t in your intentions
You the one here talking to me
You don’t wanna listen
But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’
Just as much as you admire bartending and stripping
Baby, so don’t be mad
Nobody else trippin
You see a lot of crooks and the crooks still crook
See You had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
Oooh,
See I just want you to know
That you deserve the best
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
Yeah
And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual
Far from the usual
You see you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn’t never figure out
How to love
How to love
See you had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love
Friday, July 8, 2011
The Notebook- A Drinking Game
1) Every time you see THE notebook.
2) Every time that Noah ignores that NO means NO.
3) Every time you here the word "love". (guys, this one was serious)
4) Every time they fight.
5) Every time you see one of Allie's paintings.
6) Every time a storm outside symbolizes their passion inside
7) When you here Noah say "it's going to be really hard." Giggityl
8) Every time Noah imperils himself for Allie's love.
9) Every time Noah does something stupid and crazy but SUPER romantic.
10) Every time you see a symbolic swan. (Not one drink per swan, but one per swan-seeing, unless you want to get super trashed).
11) Every time you hear "I'll Be Seeing You."
12) Every time you see or hear about the dream-house.
13) Every time someone cries.
14) Every time you feel sorry for Lon, because come on, he's kind of hot.
15) Every time you think about Rachel McAdams's boobs.
16) Every time they make the sex.
17) Every time it's implied that:
- Noah is from the wrong side of the tracks.
- Old people have sex.
- If she's a bird, he's a bird.
- Their love might make miracles.
18) Have a nice big sip for ALL THOSE FUCKING LETTERS.
19) Every time someone is seen rowing a boat.
20) Every time someone (especially Noah) says something creepy.
2) Every time that Noah ignores that NO means NO.
3) Every time you here the word "love". (guys, this one was serious)
4) Every time they fight.
5) Every time you see one of Allie's paintings.
6) Every time a storm outside symbolizes their passion inside
7) When you here Noah say "it's going to be really hard." Giggityl
8) Every time Noah imperils himself for Allie's love.
9) Every time Noah does something stupid and crazy but SUPER romantic.
10) Every time you see a symbolic swan. (Not one drink per swan, but one per swan-seeing, unless you want to get super trashed).
11) Every time you hear "I'll Be Seeing You."
12) Every time you see or hear about the dream-house.
13) Every time someone cries.
14) Every time you feel sorry for Lon, because come on, he's kind of hot.
15) Every time you think about Rachel McAdams's boobs.
16) Every time they make the sex.
17) Every time it's implied that:
- Noah is from the wrong side of the tracks.
- Old people have sex.
- If she's a bird, he's a bird.
- Their love might make miracles.
18) Have a nice big sip for ALL THOSE FUCKING LETTERS.
19) Every time someone is seen rowing a boat.
20) Every time someone (especially Noah) says something creepy.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Among Tattered Pages
"Awkward moments reveal the truth. You can't have a truly awkward moment without your heart on your sleeve, because it's the dropping of that wall between two people. Anothers eyes at an awkward moment are the most beautiful things in existence. I live for awkward moments with you." (3-1-07)
I found this scribbled in capital letters in an old journal of mine from 2007. I remember the evening, sitting with Cameron at Olive Garden and explaining to him that the walls were the color of awkwardness. He snatched my journal when I was in the restroom, and wrote this before I returned.
A small treasure from a lost life.
I found this scribbled in capital letters in an old journal of mine from 2007. I remember the evening, sitting with Cameron at Olive Garden and explaining to him that the walls were the color of awkwardness. He snatched my journal when I was in the restroom, and wrote this before I returned.
A small treasure from a lost life.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Independence
3 years.
1,095 days.
1,576,800 minutes.
Today I breath a very calm sigh of relief. The freedom makes my head a little dizzy realizing and remembering. And I will allow myself one moment of sadness. I will close my eyes, and count 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... and embrace the sorrow and the pain and the harsh reality, and once I reach five I will exhale and release all of it. And I will take my daughter to the parade and surround myself with her cackle. I will watch in awe as fireworks light up the clear night sky. I will embrace the possibilities of tomorrow. And I will be happy.
It is my independence day.
1,095 days.
1,576,800 minutes.
Today I breath a very calm sigh of relief. The freedom makes my head a little dizzy realizing and remembering. And I will allow myself one moment of sadness. I will close my eyes, and count 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... and embrace the sorrow and the pain and the harsh reality, and once I reach five I will exhale and release all of it. And I will take my daughter to the parade and surround myself with her cackle. I will watch in awe as fireworks light up the clear night sky. I will embrace the possibilities of tomorrow. And I will be happy.
It is my independence day.
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