One of my closest friends, and long time writing kindred texted me this evening after she left my house. We had spent the evening indulging in sweet wine, taco salad and a little interactive game playing with the Wii.
She asked if I thought it was bad that alcohol seemed to be a key source to curing her writers block, as she was feeling very inspired to write.
It's the sign of a true artist I teased. But began considering the thought myself. I've always felt much more inclined to produce work when I've had a cocktail, a few beers or even the occasional bottle of wine. There's something about the elixirs that loosen the tongue and allow a writer to push through the bullshit to get to the root of what they are trying to say. Another thing that has always fueled my writing, my own self loathing.
I know typically as a writer you are suppose to have a self confidence that defies critic and when it comes to my writing I might, but everything else about me and my life I always feel I could be doing better. I could be smarter, thinner, happier, friendly, stronger... I can just be more. These feelings of inadequacy are some of the things that inspire me to write, because I want to embrace the truth of my existence or because I want to create a reality through fiction that I don't feel I'm worthy or capable of.
I believe in a lot of ways the reason I have always remained self loathing and never truly tried to focus on changing that aspect of myself is because I fear that if I love myself entirely, I'll no longer feel the need or the desire to write. Great artists throughout time have allowed their own personal misery, heartbreak, short comings and failures fuel articulate and poetic pieces that inspire and encourage people 100s of years later.
I don't think I'm going to feel like I've really accomplished much until I touch someone like that.
But, I am feeling rather inspired this evening,,, and going through my old work is reminding me how much I loved letting the language flow through me, how exhausting and exciting and calm it made me.
I'm not giving up one of the few things giving me purpose these days. Other than Evelyn, there's not much.
I sometimes think of writing as an extreme sport. Some people jump out of airplanes because they like the adrenaline rush; well, there is nothing like the euphoric high of writing something that you are truly proud of. But just like extreme sports, there is that fear and terror that you must overcome first. I think the hardest part of being a writer is trying to overcome that fear, and when you do overcome it you almost feel like you could do anything.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that I miss about my writing is the security and confidence that it can be bring. The ability to say, "I am a Writer."