Olive Penderghast: Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.
-Easy A-
Amen Sister... Amen.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Evening
"She thought of how much people changed you. It was the opposite of what you always heard, that no one could change a person. It wasn't true. It was only through other people that one ever did change."
— Susan Minot (Evening)
"Did people ever stop changing? They surprised you with fresh pain. Sometimes they surprised you with happiness, but the pain was the sharper surprise. There was no way to protect yourself from it. People could always change and always hurt you. Of course it went in the other direction too, you could hurt them when you didn't intend it and that too was out of your control."
— Susan Minot (Evening)
— Susan Minot (Evening)
"Did people ever stop changing? They surprised you with fresh pain. Sometimes they surprised you with happiness, but the pain was the sharper surprise. There was no way to protect yourself from it. People could always change and always hurt you. Of course it went in the other direction too, you could hurt them when you didn't intend it and that too was out of your control."
— Susan Minot (Evening)
Totally and Completely In Love
Right now I am totally and completely in love with:
 |
| My New Tanktop |
 |
| 21 by Adele |
 |
| Every brilliant word this woman has ever written |
 |
| An escape plan |
 |
| Ruggedly attractive men... |
 |
| ...with a tortured artist appeal |
 |
| Real Talent |
I hope some day I can bend, as far as it takes to understand, and risk breaking open again...
Two nights ago I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together in anger. My neck was tense and my back ached with the fire that fueled me. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. And I could not breathe because the very presence of breath in my lungs twisted into the sickness in my stomach and just expanded like some kind of bad science project.
Last night I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together in fear. My neck was tense and my back ached with the gray numbness that filled me. I was shocked. I felt alone. And I could not breathe because the very presence of breath in my lungs twisted with the anxiety in my stomach and just expanded like some miss shaped cake.
Life changes in a moment. And suddenly, every thing comes into a clear perceptive. The things that weighed on you don't seem so heavy under the pressure of something worse. Something unalterable. Something that can not be fixed. A pain that will not fade in time. Something that someone can't "make up to you."
Nothing. Else. Mattered.
And so as I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together I wanted one thing... him there to steady them. Him there to ease the tension in my neck and wrap his arms around my back so that it no longer ached. I would feel safe. I would feel calm. And my breathe would steady into rhythm with his as sleep finally took over, like a fairy casting a spell on my dreams.
Last night I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together in fear. My neck was tense and my back ached with the gray numbness that filled me. I was shocked. I felt alone. And I could not breathe because the very presence of breath in my lungs twisted with the anxiety in my stomach and just expanded like some miss shaped cake.
Life changes in a moment. And suddenly, every thing comes into a clear perceptive. The things that weighed on you don't seem so heavy under the pressure of something worse. Something unalterable. Something that can not be fixed. A pain that will not fade in time. Something that someone can't "make up to you."
Nothing. Else. Mattered.
And so as I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together I wanted one thing... him there to steady them. Him there to ease the tension in my neck and wrap his arms around my back so that it no longer ached. I would feel safe. I would feel calm. And my breathe would steady into rhythm with his as sleep finally took over, like a fairy casting a spell on my dreams.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Not the best idea ever...
I shouldn't be writing this. I should be locked in my bedroom with an empty notebook and fresh pen bleeding into the page until my hand cramps. That hand cramp is almost like running, when your lungs burn and side aches for relief but you just push through the pain. This is my way of pushing through the pain, alleviating the hand cramp so that I can get to the end. I'm getting to the end...
I'm coming to a point where I don't know what to do. Being torn between what was and what is are two difficult things. At some point I have to not only acknowledge the fact that he says things deliberately to hurt me but I have to attach to that thought so that the truth of it really lingers. He's hurting me. He's hurting me on purpose. He has been for months. And he doesn't care.
That's the real root of it. He.Doesn't.Care.
I'm exhausted. And I'm hurt. And I feel like a fool because even with the facts in front of me I still took his word for it, and now he's caught in the lie. Even though he still denies it, denying you're doing something wrong doesn't mean you're not doing something wrong.
And yet my virtue gets put into question... as if I'm some kind of harlot who is running around with men all over town. I've been on two dates. Two. And I didn't lie to him about them...
That, that's the difference.
And I know he's reading this... because it was thrown into my face something I wrote more than two months ago tonight. Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel the need to write it.
Because saying how hurt I am never holds the same power as seeing it in print.
And I'm hurt.
I'm coming to a point where I don't know what to do. Being torn between what was and what is are two difficult things. At some point I have to not only acknowledge the fact that he says things deliberately to hurt me but I have to attach to that thought so that the truth of it really lingers. He's hurting me. He's hurting me on purpose. He has been for months. And he doesn't care.
That's the real root of it. He.Doesn't.Care.
I'm exhausted. And I'm hurt. And I feel like a fool because even with the facts in front of me I still took his word for it, and now he's caught in the lie. Even though he still denies it, denying you're doing something wrong doesn't mean you're not doing something wrong.
And yet my virtue gets put into question... as if I'm some kind of harlot who is running around with men all over town. I've been on two dates. Two. And I didn't lie to him about them...
That, that's the difference.
And I know he's reading this... because it was thrown into my face something I wrote more than two months ago tonight. Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel the need to write it.
Because saying how hurt I am never holds the same power as seeing it in print.
And I'm hurt.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Quite possibly the coolest and scariest thing ever.
A friend of mine on facebook posted today about a band he saw play in Charlotte last night.
Captured! By Robots.
It's a band consisting of one man and robots... seriously, robots!
Captured! By Robots.
It's a band consisting of one man and robots... seriously, robots!
I have this irrational fear of Robots... so this is not only the coolest thing ever but the scariest thing ever.
Part of me wants to see them though. Thoughts?
Longest Week Ever
As I sit here, drinking an ice cold beer listening to my roommate unload about her relationship drama. To say that this week has been difficult, or emotional, or long are all complete and utter understatements.
This week has been a cluster-mind fuck. And it has left me feeling vulnerable. It has left me feeling drained. And in this moment I find the best way for me to deal is to just cave into myself and take some time.
The week wasn't all bad. It began with a trip to Concord so Evie and Rick could spend some time together, but the days Rick and I spend together are always disarming and emotional. It's hard to deny the feelings I have for him, especially when he looks at me with those eyes: the same eyes that whispered "my god she's beautiful": to me as I slept on one of our first nights together. The love may have slighted, and faded, and twisted into bitterness and then back again but it is evident it is there... and I am struggling with trying to be strong against it.
The day ended abruptly when I was contacted by my mother telling me my sister in law was in labor. It turns out she wasn't. Tuesday is a blur... I couldn't tell you what happened on that day.
Wednesday, I spent the majority of my day in the ER after my mother had another breathing episode and collapsed. I received a call from my sister in law telling me to get to the ER as I was getting ready for work. After blood work, xrays, soft tissue analysis they still can't explain why she is having the issue she is. All they can say is that her lungs have scaring on them and they need to do CTscans. I was terrified to say the least. Rick tried to come to my rescue but my brothers went off on me when i told them he was on his way. I had to convince Rick to stay where he was, which got him upset with me and just made the entire experience even more difficult.
The rest of the week was a cluster of busy work, relationship drama (from the roomie) arguments and disappointments with Rick, and my nephew finally being born.
Days without real sleep.
Lost work shifts resulting in a short in money.
A daughter who has been insanely difficult.
A gut feeling that someone is lying to me and keeping something EXTREMELY important from me.
And Rick deciding he didn't want to spend Easter with us, because he didn't want me to waste the gas (can't help but think it was more about the plans he made though)...
The moral of the story is... because of my exhaustion and emotional-stability and just sanity it is essential to me for next week to be calm, easy, dull, dare I say boring.
It's gonna happen, if I have to shut my phone off and ignore facebook for a week... it's gonna happen.
This week has been a cluster-mind fuck. And it has left me feeling vulnerable. It has left me feeling drained. And in this moment I find the best way for me to deal is to just cave into myself and take some time.
The week wasn't all bad. It began with a trip to Concord so Evie and Rick could spend some time together, but the days Rick and I spend together are always disarming and emotional. It's hard to deny the feelings I have for him, especially when he looks at me with those eyes: the same eyes that whispered "my god she's beautiful": to me as I slept on one of our first nights together. The love may have slighted, and faded, and twisted into bitterness and then back again but it is evident it is there... and I am struggling with trying to be strong against it.
The day ended abruptly when I was contacted by my mother telling me my sister in law was in labor. It turns out she wasn't. Tuesday is a blur... I couldn't tell you what happened on that day.
Wednesday, I spent the majority of my day in the ER after my mother had another breathing episode and collapsed. I received a call from my sister in law telling me to get to the ER as I was getting ready for work. After blood work, xrays, soft tissue analysis they still can't explain why she is having the issue she is. All they can say is that her lungs have scaring on them and they need to do CTscans. I was terrified to say the least. Rick tried to come to my rescue but my brothers went off on me when i told them he was on his way. I had to convince Rick to stay where he was, which got him upset with me and just made the entire experience even more difficult.
The rest of the week was a cluster of busy work, relationship drama (from the roomie) arguments and disappointments with Rick, and my nephew finally being born.
Days without real sleep.
Lost work shifts resulting in a short in money.
A daughter who has been insanely difficult.
A gut feeling that someone is lying to me and keeping something EXTREMELY important from me.
And Rick deciding he didn't want to spend Easter with us, because he didn't want me to waste the gas (can't help but think it was more about the plans he made though)...
The moral of the story is... because of my exhaustion and emotional-stability and just sanity it is essential to me for next week to be calm, easy, dull, dare I say boring.
It's gonna happen, if I have to shut my phone off and ignore facebook for a week... it's gonna happen.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Left Wanting...
Tonight I am wanting:
1. A Summer Ready body
2. To not only be done with it in mind, but in heart.
3. To know why my mom can't breath.
4. To have been more important than a party.
5. A new camera
6. A bank account that is not in the negative
7. Chili Cheese Fries
8. Energy
9. To be prompted by a handsome man to dance in a darken parkinglot under the moonlight.
10. More...
1. A Summer Ready body
2. To not only be done with it in mind, but in heart.
3. To know why my mom can't breath.
4. To have been more important than a party.
5. A new camera
6. A bank account that is not in the negative
7. Chili Cheese Fries
8. Energy
9. To be prompted by a handsome man to dance in a darken parkinglot under the moonlight.
10. More...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
True Story
Me: Sometimes i'm a little ashamed of how relieved I am I didn't end up being a military wife. Is that bad?
Eric: Honestly, I'm just glad you got out of being "his" wife.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Brute Honesty
I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love
I loved the most
And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time
An Ode To Friends
I feel the need to express my appreciation. For the past few months I've been difficult and moody and emotional and the three of you have stuck by me without question or fear. I mean it when I say I would be lost without you, because you all are what has kept me above water this whole time. I'm a firm believer that in life you have two families, the families you are born with and the families you choose. I'm honored to call each and everyone of you family. Because I love you, and am so thankful to have you in my life.
I know you all well enough to know that you are wondering where this is coming from. Lets call it a moment of clarity, a moment of acceptance. I'm finally reaching out and allowing the harsh truth to wash over me with it's painful possibilities. And in this moment with it's beautify and tragedy and fleeting significance I wanted to tell you, all of you, that I love you. That you are my family. That to me, you three are home.
Thank you <3
I know you all well enough to know that you are wondering where this is coming from. Lets call it a moment of clarity, a moment of acceptance. I'm finally reaching out and allowing the harsh truth to wash over me with it's painful possibilities. And in this moment with it's beautify and tragedy and fleeting significance I wanted to tell you, all of you, that I love you. That you are my family. That to me, you three are home.
Thank you <3
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Tip of the Pencil
At some point a woman just has to say enough is enough and she deserves more.
I'm doing more than saying it... I'm demanding it.
And I will get it.
I'm doing more than saying it... I'm demanding it.
And I will get it.
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