Disarmed and Dismantled

I mentioned the other night that the sheer presence of my ex was both disarming and intoxicating. It is almost impossible to not be drawn in by his witty banter and boyish grin. I tried today to resist it, but I found it pointless. What can I say, it's difficult not to be a little dismantled in my loathing for the man when I watch as he makes Evelyn cackle when he tickles her, the way he closely watched her as she played or the way she would nuzzle into his neck when she was lovingly hugging him goodbye.

In those moments, it's difficult not to love some part of him.

Bedouin Soundclash - Brutal Hearts

Amen...

Look, 10 years of a loving friendship and sporadic incredible sex, scattered with nights so fun they explain the evolutionary purpose of talking. Not to mention the time we've clocked together listening to music, driving with no destination. I guess this beautiful mess is best ended without notification. It's probably better.
-Laura, The Romantics-

Insomnia - 1.... Kirby - 0

It's past 4am and I find myself awake, movie playing near silent on my tv and my fingers gliding across the keyboard of my computer. I wish I could say it was because of the inspiration pouring through them, that I have finally cracked the surface of my creativity and given new lifeblood to the title of writer. But sadly the only titles I am acquainted with at the moment is the title of Mommy, the title of woman, the title of ex and the title of, well... just the title of being.

The other night as I was driving home from one of the longest days of my existence I peeked at my cell phone, craving the desire to call someone and the connection of having that last call of the day. It was in that moment that I experienced an epiphany... I'm not in love. This may seem as an odd epiphany to many but for me... it was essential.

I've been in love with three men in my lifetime, but they have been consecutive to the point that as soon as I fall out of love with one I am immediately in love, or even back in love with another. It's been exhausting, and intoxicating and completely confusing but it has been a life of love and I have embraced it for all it's wonders and tribulations. For the first time, in nearly a decade I'm not in love. As where as I always expected this experience to leave me feeling lonely and depressed and empty I find it is more empowering and freeing, like breathing the fresh air after coming down the mountain. You've grown accustomed to how thin the air is at the top so that when you reach the bottom and your lungs become full it is almost painful... but it is fresh.

I haven't been in love with Rick for a long time, and it has taken me twice as long to realize it. At one point he was capable of being a man I could respect and admire but the more I think about it in the absence of his intoxicating and disarming personality it becomes clearer to me that he's not that man and hasn't been that man for awhile. And I feel the need to clarify, I am in no way passing judgments on the man he is, he is a man he can live with... but, he's not a man I can love. He's barely even a man I can respect. But he is a man I will tolerate because I want him to be a part of our daughters life... because she loves him.

I've fought the love of another, someone torrid and passionate and completely unreasonable. I've been fighting the connect with such brute force that I hadn't realizes the ties to that bond had already been unraveling and slowly fading away. It was always a love that was timeless, epic, and recklessly passionate... but where is there room for that in the real world? That is the kind of love that belongs in literature from the Romantics. I feel like I've finally let that go.

And so, with this new found clarity and independence I feel like I can step forward and begin the next stage of my life unhindered. The only other person who is essential in creating the next phase of my life is Evelyn, and she will always been a deciding factor in what I do.

But on another note... here is the trailer of an awesome movie I discovered tonight.



I love it... and can't wait to read the book it's based off of.

Breaking Necks and Hearts...

I know it makes me completely shallow, and vain, but I miss the way I use to turn heads. I know it sounds strange, but it's the truth. When I was younger you could feel the shift in attention when I walked into a room. My presence was known, and it didn't matter if it was a man, a woman, a boy, a child, single, married, gay... their attention was automatically drawn to me. I use to turn heads.

The last few years, I'm not sure what has happened to that fire in me. People stopped noticing me when I walked into a room, I stopped drawing attention. I just started to blend into the background and never made any attempt to change that. I miss that feeling though.

Recently I've connected with an old friend, and it is bizarre how he still sees me like that attention driving force, breaking necks when I walk into a room. The way he describes it is flattering and intoxicating. But it's making me realize that there are those who still see me like her, the me I miss. And this gives me hope that I can one day reach out to her again, and maybe not revert back to her but blend her into a stronger me.

And to my friend: Thanks for making my mornings :)

Strength in the Making

Been caught in a downpour of a rain of stones
Felt like an exile in the world I had known
So I sought the shelter of my own soul
And stayed inside

I found no comfort in placing blame
I saw the hope that lay just beyond the pain
The past is a prison and I won't wear those chains
And I won't hide, oh no

I will be here
I will be strong
I'll face my fears
When the night is long
And still go on
I will be brave
I will be bold
Follow my faith
To a higher road
And I'm not there yet
But I will be

I could choose to keep my feet upon the beaten path
Never cross the open field for the one snake in the grass
But I'd rather risk my heart then never get the chance
To find my way, to find my way

PostSecret Sunday

I still sit and read them every Sunday Morning... with or without him.

 

Yep... that about sums me up in a nutshell....

Day 5

Day 5: A Picture of your favorite memory

Day 4

Day 4: A Picture of you and a family member

Day 3

Day 3: A picture of your favorite shows cast

Sons of Anarchy... How I love you <3

Day 2

Day 2: The person you've been closest to the longest.

Virginia Broome. She has been my closest friend since 8th grade. Love you girlie

How Kirby Got Her Groove Back...

So I kind of had a first date yesterday...
and I kind of have another one soon...
and I found out I have not one but three secret admirers....

My ego just got boosted through the roof.
And I just might have that new guy glow. :)

Day 1

Day One: a photo of you with 15 facts.

1. I'm a shameless flirt
2. My biggest fear is disappointing my daughter
3. I've lied to people, and to myself about why I really got married.
4. I may wear a cynics hat but I want to be swept off my feet more than anyone will ever know.
5. I bite my nails.
6. I don't feel right calling myself a writer anymore... writers write, they don't talk about writing.
7. I'm really good in bed. And I'm not ashamed of it.
8. One of the happiest moments in my life was the first few moments on base at Fort Benning
9. I still feel guilt for choosing my education over staying home with Gene before he died.
10. My favorite book is Happiness TM
11. I have a lot of secrets
12. I'm in love with someone I shouldn't be
13. I have a hard time telling people no.
14. I was fully prepared for it, but I am relieved I wasn't an Army wife because the thought of the fear hurts my heart.
15. I love to sing, but I hate the sound of my own voice.

Love This

When you become a mother you stop being the picture and start being the frame.

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Is it bad...

That I want to write a story for the shear purpose of making someone suffer. So I can control the life that surrounds then and pour every ounce of my anxiety and sadness and bitterness into them so I don't have to carry it around anymore?

I'm ready to be over this.
I'm ready to move on and not care.
There is so much more out there for me. Better things. Perfect things that are not going to lead me to settle.

Maybe that's what my day needs to be spent doing, listening to the rain, and writing.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Adele - Rumour has it (with lyrics)

In case you were wondering

Dear Wizard of Oz,

Just how many broken hearts do you have in that bag...
It might be broken, torn and completely mangled but it would be swell if you gave me mine back.
Thanks....

The Girl That Sees Through the Curtain.

mokita...

I hope the sun shines and its a beautiful day
And something reminds you you wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather or time
I never planned on you changing your mind...

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Is there a difference between being mother of the year, and the biggest bitch in the world?

It has been brought to my attention some of the things Evelyn's father has been saying about me.

That I'm a mean, spiteful, hateful bitch.
That I decided he shouldn't be around Evelyn and am thus keeping him from her.
That all I want from him as a father is money.

I don't know what to say. I'm not surprised he's saying these things because of course he wants to put the blame of things on me so he doesn't have to own up to his own part. But what shocked me is how much it hurt when it was brought to my attention. I can speculate, but I never expected him to be so harsh about it.

The truth of the matter is I'm not a bitch, if anything I'm a pushover and that's whats been my issue for a long time. I did not make the decision that Rick should not be involved in Evelyn's life. That was his choice, 110%. After months of him being indecisive about his roll with Evelyn, and being father of the year this week and acting like she was the biggest inconvenience in the world the next I told him to make a decision, to be a father or to not. He has a habit of keeping one foot in and one foot out of the door at all times and I'm not going to have him treating her like that. I don't see why me wanting to be a father, 100%, is such a bad thing. Evelyn deserves it. And as for the last, that again was not my doing. When he decided he wanted to leave he offered to pay so we agreed on an amount and decided to do it between the two of us until he got pissed off. He told me to go through social services and get it court ordered because he was trying to piss me off and hurt me...

I feel the need to defend myself because I don't like getting attacked.

And knowing he's sitting there saying these things breaks my heart. All I've ever done is be good to him, even in bad times. All I've ever done is try to keep him involved, sometimes against his will...

It just really breaks my heart.

I Have a Love/Hate Relationship with this Song

For You Entertainment...

I'm having one of those I feel hideously unattractive days.

There is nothing cute about a woman in a white button down shirt, tie and who smells of Italian food.

Just sayin

Morning Music

But we both know 
how we're gonna make it work 
when it hurts...

Walking a Fine Line

I haven't talked much about Evelyn's father, and my soon to be ex-husband Rick lately. There is a reason for that. About two months ago Rick made the decision he didn't want to be involved with Evelyn at all. I won't go into details, but he had his reasons.

Recently, it appears Rick has had a change of heart. The other day I was talking to my friend Eric about it because I'm very confused about how to handle this situation. Part of me wants to tell Rick no, you can't see her because all you're going to do is change your mind about it in two week, or months or whatever. Which honestly, is already beginning to prove true. We had tried to arrange time for him to come see her this week but it seems he's not going to come through on that thought.

I tried to explain to Eric, it's hard for me to tell him no, he can't see her even when he doesn't deserve to because I don't want to be the one keeping her from him. I've watched fathers have their children pulled from them and kept from them and it kills me to think of anyone ever thinking of me the way I think of those girls.

I know Evelyn needs a father. I know she needs to know Rick and spend time with him, but how am I suppose to be a good mother and protect her from his indecisive and erratic moods. It's a fine line I'm walking, trying to provide her with both; her father and protecting her from the things that will let her down.

I don't know how much longer I can walk it.