It's past 4am and I find myself awake, movie playing near silent on my tv and my fingers gliding across the keyboard of my computer. I wish I could say it was because of the inspiration pouring through them, that I have finally cracked the surface of my creativity and given new lifeblood to the title of writer. But sadly the only titles I am acquainted with at the moment is the title of Mommy, the title of woman, the title of ex and the title of, well... just the title of being.
The other night as I was driving home from one of the longest days of my existence I peeked at my cell phone, craving the desire to call someone and the connection of having that last call of the day. It was in that moment that I experienced an epiphany... I'm not in love. This may seem as an odd epiphany to many but for me... it was essential.
I've been in love with three men in my lifetime, but they have been consecutive to the point that as soon as I fall out of love with one I am immediately in love, or even back in love with another. It's been exhausting, and intoxicating and completely confusing but it has been a life of love and I have embraced it for all it's wonders and tribulations. For the first time, in nearly a decade I'm not in love. As where as I always expected this experience to leave me feeling lonely and depressed and empty I find it is more empowering and freeing, like breathing the fresh air after coming down the mountain. You've grown accustomed to how thin the air is at the top so that when you reach the bottom and your lungs become full it is almost painful... but it is fresh.
I haven't been in love with Rick for a long time, and it has taken me twice as long to realize it. At one point he was capable of being a man I could respect and admire but the more I think about it in the absence of his intoxicating and disarming personality it becomes clearer to me that he's not that man and hasn't been that man for awhile. And I feel the need to clarify, I am in no way passing judgments on the man he is, he is a man he can live with... but, he's not a man I can love. He's barely even a man I can respect. But he is a man I will tolerate because I want him to be a part of our daughters life... because she loves him.
I've fought the love of another, someone torrid and passionate and completely unreasonable. I've been fighting the connect with such brute force that I hadn't realizes the ties to that bond had already been unraveling and slowly fading away. It was always a love that was timeless, epic, and recklessly passionate... but where is there room for that in the real world? That is the kind of love that belongs in literature from the Romantics. I feel like I've finally let that go.
And so, with this new found clarity and independence I feel like I can step forward and begin the next stage of my life unhindered. The only other person who is essential in creating the next phase of my life is Evelyn, and she will always been a deciding factor in what I do.
But on another note... here is the trailer of an awesome movie I discovered tonight.
I love it... and can't wait to read the book it's based off of.
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