I like the message:
I'm really tryna make it more than what it is, cause everybody dies but not everybody lives
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
A Missing Piece
And I'd give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
And I'd give it all away
just to have someone to come home to
A New Face...
I decided to make a drastic change the other day...
for me this always means I change my hair... which I did.
It's been a really long time since I've had hair this red, and honestly I can't remember why I haven't colored it back to this shade long before now. I love it.
But the change I'm craving is far deeper than the roots of my hair.
The other night I nearly fainted at work. I lost all color in my cheeks, my chest throbbed and my vision began to tunnel. A friend made me sit down a second, and eat a breadstick. "When was the last time you ate?" she asked... I honestly couldn't recall.
On the way home that evening I had this disturbing taste in my mouth, as if I had been sucking on pennies. Copper metalic just lingering on my tongue and in my throat. That's when it dawned on me... My iron must be getting severely low.
I've always taken care of myself but I've never been very good at taking care of me... I can pay my bills and make sure my laundries done but when it comes to taking the time to make sure I eat right, exercise, get enough rest or even take the mental time I need to recharge I never know when or how to manage that and take care of everyone else.
Evelyn is getting bigger, she's more active and it takes more to keep up with her. If I'm going to work full time, and take care of her all alone I'm going to need to start taking better care of myself. And so I've been taking the proper steps to do that.
I'm not going to break down what I'm doing with minor details... but I will keep you all posted on my progress, whats working, whats not. Blogging is part of the change, giving myself a certain amount of time everyday to write rather it be trivial details on my day, or working on a larger project.
I've got a good feeling about this.
for me this always means I change my hair... which I did.
 | |||
| TADA!!!!! |
It's been a really long time since I've had hair this red, and honestly I can't remember why I haven't colored it back to this shade long before now. I love it.
 | |||||||||||
| I call it Mad Men Red... Remember, I'm not bad... I'm just drawn that way ;) |
But the change I'm craving is far deeper than the roots of my hair.
The other night I nearly fainted at work. I lost all color in my cheeks, my chest throbbed and my vision began to tunnel. A friend made me sit down a second, and eat a breadstick. "When was the last time you ate?" she asked... I honestly couldn't recall.
On the way home that evening I had this disturbing taste in my mouth, as if I had been sucking on pennies. Copper metalic just lingering on my tongue and in my throat. That's when it dawned on me... My iron must be getting severely low.
I've always taken care of myself but I've never been very good at taking care of me... I can pay my bills and make sure my laundries done but when it comes to taking the time to make sure I eat right, exercise, get enough rest or even take the mental time I need to recharge I never know when or how to manage that and take care of everyone else.
Evelyn is getting bigger, she's more active and it takes more to keep up with her. If I'm going to work full time, and take care of her all alone I'm going to need to start taking better care of myself. And so I've been taking the proper steps to do that.
I'm not going to break down what I'm doing with minor details... but I will keep you all posted on my progress, whats working, whats not. Blogging is part of the change, giving myself a certain amount of time everyday to write rather it be trivial details on my day, or working on a larger project.
I've got a good feeling about this.
If this is giving up then I'm giving up... on Love...
I had a momentary lapse in judgment last night.
A brief moment of weakness...
I almost forgot I was better than that...
and then I woke up this morning and remember.
The hurtfulness resonates like a sonar signal...
Thank God.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Never Thought We'd Have a Last Kiss...
It was an extremely beautiful night tonight so I drove home from work with the windows down. I allowed my current CD of choice to linger through the soft air and I drifted like a cast-away in my thoughts.
I'm doing this all wrong.
In the past week, in the past seven days I have found myself kissing three separate men. Now, I feel no shame in this because, lets face it, there are far worse things I could be doing than kissing silly boys, but I still feel myself over analyzing each encounter.
Two of them, I've kissed before. One of them, not so much. But the one thing they all have in common, lack. Not from their inability, as I said I've kissed two of them before, but I suppose in the sense of my own personal detachment. For years I've kissed with emotion, I've kissed with heart and pain and lust and everything I can and have or will feel. Lately, it's just a form of physical contact... nothing significant, nothing special...
and that makes me sad. I want that fire back... part of me is afraid I'm never going to experience it again. And this is the part of me I hate right now because it's the part of me that misses him. But I'm fighting so very hard... and I win a little more everyday.
So in the mean time, I suppose I will continue to kiss boys in hopes one of them will give me butterflies. In hopes that one day, I'll get the same sensation of falling in the pit of my stomach I did on that first night when he brushed the hair from my sleeping eyes and whispered "my god she really is beautiful." Sadly, and strangely, it's a feeling I got often. Almost every time he kissed me. I miss that feeling. I think in some ways I need that feeling...
But what do I know?
I'm doing this all wrong.
In the past week, in the past seven days I have found myself kissing three separate men. Now, I feel no shame in this because, lets face it, there are far worse things I could be doing than kissing silly boys, but I still feel myself over analyzing each encounter.
Two of them, I've kissed before. One of them, not so much. But the one thing they all have in common, lack. Not from their inability, as I said I've kissed two of them before, but I suppose in the sense of my own personal detachment. For years I've kissed with emotion, I've kissed with heart and pain and lust and everything I can and have or will feel. Lately, it's just a form of physical contact... nothing significant, nothing special...
and that makes me sad. I want that fire back... part of me is afraid I'm never going to experience it again. And this is the part of me I hate right now because it's the part of me that misses him. But I'm fighting so very hard... and I win a little more everyday.
So in the mean time, I suppose I will continue to kiss boys in hopes one of them will give me butterflies. In hopes that one day, I'll get the same sensation of falling in the pit of my stomach I did on that first night when he brushed the hair from my sleeping eyes and whispered "my god she really is beautiful." Sadly, and strangely, it's a feeling I got often. Almost every time he kissed me. I miss that feeling. I think in some ways I need that feeling...
But what do I know?
Funniest thing I've seen all day!
So I'm in love with this new website, Dear Blank, Please Blank.
It's extremely funny and I encourage everyone to check it out. This morning I came across this one...
Sincerely, Zombies.
Thought I would share in it's hilarity. :)
It's extremely funny and I encourage everyone to check it out. This morning I came across this one...
Dear women,
Sucks that we're the only men that appreciate you for your brains, doesn't it?
Thought I would share in it's hilarity. :)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
It's Always Better the Second Time Around...
I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine today. I won't relay the details of his personal life in an attempt to keep his own privacy, but he's someone who can understand the deconstruction of a marriage.
He told me that the reason most second or third marriages last so much longer than first marriages is because both parts of the relationship know exactly what they want, and are no longer shy about asking for it.
I didn't specifically explain to him why I agreed so quickly to his statement, but it felt very accurate.
I am not embarrassed to take my part in the blame of my failed marriage. I've always been a very non-confrontational person, and for years have had issues addressing problems with people from fear of seeming "difficult". With the way things happened between Rick and I, I suppose part of me always felt like I owed him something for staying and so I in turn always tried to be as accommodating as possible, never making him do anything he didn't want to do. I tried a little to hard, never fully expressing what I wanted or needed from him as a partner and in turn he did exactly as he pleased. I expected him to just finally decide that what I wanted was what he wanted and for life to fall into place... it never did.
Now, I'm not saying he didn't have his own part in it. His inability to remain solid in his decisions, the way he ran hot and cold on a day to day basis, his selfishness and his hypocritical standards about what to expect from me in comparison to what to expect from his self had their own hand. Not to mention, his leaving... pretty sure that was the main event.
But I am getting off point. Listening to my friend talk today I realized that I'm getting to the point where I am no longer deciding what I want in a relationship/man by the things that Rick was lacking... I'm realizing things I want because they are the things that I am craving and the things that rather I'm in a committed relationship or just friends with someone remain important to me today.
I want someone who is loyal, honest and extremely family oriented. I want someone decisive and ambitious. I can't be with someone who is always looking for the quickest solution or the easy way of life. I want a man who is willing to suffer to make life great... like me. I want someone who will be content to be calm, and doesn't need the fuss of the lime light 24 hours a day. I want someone who will be affectionate, and loving. I want someone who will make me a top priority, even above himself. And I want someone who will be a good father, who can make the sacrifices necessary to be a good father.
That, that's what I want...
but it's not what I want right now.
He told me that the reason most second or third marriages last so much longer than first marriages is because both parts of the relationship know exactly what they want, and are no longer shy about asking for it.
I didn't specifically explain to him why I agreed so quickly to his statement, but it felt very accurate.
I am not embarrassed to take my part in the blame of my failed marriage. I've always been a very non-confrontational person, and for years have had issues addressing problems with people from fear of seeming "difficult". With the way things happened between Rick and I, I suppose part of me always felt like I owed him something for staying and so I in turn always tried to be as accommodating as possible, never making him do anything he didn't want to do. I tried a little to hard, never fully expressing what I wanted or needed from him as a partner and in turn he did exactly as he pleased. I expected him to just finally decide that what I wanted was what he wanted and for life to fall into place... it never did.
Now, I'm not saying he didn't have his own part in it. His inability to remain solid in his decisions, the way he ran hot and cold on a day to day basis, his selfishness and his hypocritical standards about what to expect from me in comparison to what to expect from his self had their own hand. Not to mention, his leaving... pretty sure that was the main event.
But I am getting off point. Listening to my friend talk today I realized that I'm getting to the point where I am no longer deciding what I want in a relationship/man by the things that Rick was lacking... I'm realizing things I want because they are the things that I am craving and the things that rather I'm in a committed relationship or just friends with someone remain important to me today.
I want someone who is loyal, honest and extremely family oriented. I want someone decisive and ambitious. I can't be with someone who is always looking for the quickest solution or the easy way of life. I want a man who is willing to suffer to make life great... like me. I want someone who will be content to be calm, and doesn't need the fuss of the lime light 24 hours a day. I want someone who will be affectionate, and loving. I want someone who will make me a top priority, even above himself. And I want someone who will be a good father, who can make the sacrifices necessary to be a good father.
That, that's what I want...
but it's not what I want right now.
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