Happy Halloween

Today was a great family day with Evelyn. We made spooky pancakes for breakfast, watched Halloween cartoons, spent some time playing in a pumpkin patch and went trick-or-treating.

 

AARGGG!!! I'm after my booty!

Evie loved every minute of it. With each giggle I'd watch her face light up as she would point at the pumpkins, or stare with her head tilted to the side at the cartoons. She would sing and clap her hands as I would flip the pancakes in the air. And she dragged me through the cold night, from door to door to door, opening her bag for each person and smiling sweetly. She would wave to the children and their parents as they passed us on the street. I half expected her to start kissing babies. She's such a future politician.

But as I watched how lovingly Zach and Kasey took care of Camden as they took him from door to door together, and the countless other families who were trick or treating together and I began to feel that hint of sadness. Maybe Evelyn isn't old enough to realize the absence of her father yet, the sheer brokenness of what a traditional family and childhood is suppose to be like compared to what she experiences on a day to day basis but it is not lost on me.

How do I balance what I know and what I want? I want the things for her I never had, which include her father being more than just a passing figure in her life. I never wanted a part time dad for my children. But on the other hand, I know no matter how much Rick and I may care about each other it's just not good for either of us to be involved. He's already moved on and is creating a new world and family for himself where as I have found myself with a strong foothold on knowing what I want in life and the balls to demand it without settling. I may have a lot of love for him, but a life with him is settling for me.

Now does that make me selfish. Are we, as parents, selfish? Because he wants to pursue this relationship with another mother and her children and enjoy his freedom to come and go as he pleases because he doesn't have anyone or anything to answer to. Because I want a partner who adores not only my daughter, but me as well and has the ability to cherish and challenge me at the same time. Should we be putting those things aside, and making it work regardless of the things we have to sacrifice to give her the family she should have.

I don't know which way is up? I feel so twisted right now