I will be 27 years old this up coming March, just five short days before my daughter turns 2. Raising a child, and trying to teach them everything can really make a person take a hard look at their opinions, ideals, morals, beliefs. I've always been a person who sees things as black and white, cut and dry. I can't help it. When you are in the grey there is too much uncertainty. I don't like illusions.
One illusion that I have had to really reassess, regrettably, is the childhood ideal that "love is all you need." I hate admitting that love isn't always enough. Just because you love someone, or because you miss someone doesn't mean that the person is good for you. I've been in love three times in my life, really TRULY in love and none of them where healthy relationships for me. Honestly, I can't really remember any healthy relationships. But I didn't exactly have a role model for faithful, devoted relationships that were rooted in loyalty and mutual respect.
I want better for her. I don't want her to see the kind of relationships I have with men, and think that it is the only way a relationship can be. I want her to be strong and defiant and loving. I want her to expect more. One thing I IDOLIZE about my best friend, and Evelyn's god-mother, Kathryn is the fact that she is so strongly set in her standards. She will not settle for anything less than she deserves. She wants to be chased, and her mother has instilled in her not to settle for anyone who won't. I LOVE that about her family. I LOVE that about her and can only pray Evelyn picks up on some of it.
So now how do I teach her all the wonders of the world and still let her believe in the fairytale?
Showing posts with label single parenthood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single parenthood. Show all posts
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Longest Week Ever
As I sit here, drinking an ice cold beer listening to my roommate unload about her relationship drama. To say that this week has been difficult, or emotional, or long are all complete and utter understatements.
This week has been a cluster-mind fuck. And it has left me feeling vulnerable. It has left me feeling drained. And in this moment I find the best way for me to deal is to just cave into myself and take some time.
The week wasn't all bad. It began with a trip to Concord so Evie and Rick could spend some time together, but the days Rick and I spend together are always disarming and emotional. It's hard to deny the feelings I have for him, especially when he looks at me with those eyes: the same eyes that whispered "my god she's beautiful": to me as I slept on one of our first nights together. The love may have slighted, and faded, and twisted into bitterness and then back again but it is evident it is there... and I am struggling with trying to be strong against it.
The day ended abruptly when I was contacted by my mother telling me my sister in law was in labor. It turns out she wasn't. Tuesday is a blur... I couldn't tell you what happened on that day.
Wednesday, I spent the majority of my day in the ER after my mother had another breathing episode and collapsed. I received a call from my sister in law telling me to get to the ER as I was getting ready for work. After blood work, xrays, soft tissue analysis they still can't explain why she is having the issue she is. All they can say is that her lungs have scaring on them and they need to do CTscans. I was terrified to say the least. Rick tried to come to my rescue but my brothers went off on me when i told them he was on his way. I had to convince Rick to stay where he was, which got him upset with me and just made the entire experience even more difficult.
The rest of the week was a cluster of busy work, relationship drama (from the roomie) arguments and disappointments with Rick, and my nephew finally being born.
Days without real sleep.
Lost work shifts resulting in a short in money.
A daughter who has been insanely difficult.
A gut feeling that someone is lying to me and keeping something EXTREMELY important from me.
And Rick deciding he didn't want to spend Easter with us, because he didn't want me to waste the gas (can't help but think it was more about the plans he made though)...
The moral of the story is... because of my exhaustion and emotional-stability and just sanity it is essential to me for next week to be calm, easy, dull, dare I say boring.
It's gonna happen, if I have to shut my phone off and ignore facebook for a week... it's gonna happen.
This week has been a cluster-mind fuck. And it has left me feeling vulnerable. It has left me feeling drained. And in this moment I find the best way for me to deal is to just cave into myself and take some time.
The week wasn't all bad. It began with a trip to Concord so Evie and Rick could spend some time together, but the days Rick and I spend together are always disarming and emotional. It's hard to deny the feelings I have for him, especially when he looks at me with those eyes: the same eyes that whispered "my god she's beautiful": to me as I slept on one of our first nights together. The love may have slighted, and faded, and twisted into bitterness and then back again but it is evident it is there... and I am struggling with trying to be strong against it.
The day ended abruptly when I was contacted by my mother telling me my sister in law was in labor. It turns out she wasn't. Tuesday is a blur... I couldn't tell you what happened on that day.
Wednesday, I spent the majority of my day in the ER after my mother had another breathing episode and collapsed. I received a call from my sister in law telling me to get to the ER as I was getting ready for work. After blood work, xrays, soft tissue analysis they still can't explain why she is having the issue she is. All they can say is that her lungs have scaring on them and they need to do CTscans. I was terrified to say the least. Rick tried to come to my rescue but my brothers went off on me when i told them he was on his way. I had to convince Rick to stay where he was, which got him upset with me and just made the entire experience even more difficult.
The rest of the week was a cluster of busy work, relationship drama (from the roomie) arguments and disappointments with Rick, and my nephew finally being born.
Days without real sleep.
Lost work shifts resulting in a short in money.
A daughter who has been insanely difficult.
A gut feeling that someone is lying to me and keeping something EXTREMELY important from me.
And Rick deciding he didn't want to spend Easter with us, because he didn't want me to waste the gas (can't help but think it was more about the plans he made though)...
The moral of the story is... because of my exhaustion and emotional-stability and just sanity it is essential to me for next week to be calm, easy, dull, dare I say boring.
It's gonna happen, if I have to shut my phone off and ignore facebook for a week... it's gonna happen.
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