I will be 27 years old this up coming March, just five short days before my daughter turns 2. Raising a child, and trying to teach them everything can really make a person take a hard look at their opinions, ideals, morals, beliefs. I've always been a person who sees things as black and white, cut and dry. I can't help it. When you are in the grey there is too much uncertainty. I don't like illusions.
One illusion that I have had to really reassess, regrettably, is the childhood ideal that "love is all you need." I hate admitting that love isn't always enough. Just because you love someone, or because you miss someone doesn't mean that the person is good for you. I've been in love three times in my life, really TRULY in love and none of them where healthy relationships for me. Honestly, I can't really remember any healthy relationships. But I didn't exactly have a role model for faithful, devoted relationships that were rooted in loyalty and mutual respect.
I want better for her. I don't want her to see the kind of relationships I have with men, and think that it is the only way a relationship can be. I want her to be strong and defiant and loving. I want her to expect more. One thing I IDOLIZE about my best friend, and Evelyn's god-mother, Kathryn is the fact that she is so strongly set in her standards. She will not settle for anything less than she deserves. She wants to be chased, and her mother has instilled in her not to settle for anyone who won't. I LOVE that about her family. I LOVE that about her and can only pray Evelyn picks up on some of it.
So now how do I teach her all the wonders of the world and still let her believe in the fairytale?
Showing posts with label connection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label connection. Show all posts
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Women Seeks Connection, not the blog you expect.
Connection. I’ve been thinking a lot about this word ever since I had LUNCH with my friend Allen. In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word connection is associate with many different meanings. The act of connecting, be it a casual or logical relation or sequence, a contextual relation or association, or a relation of personal intimacy. Something that connects. A set of persons associated together.
I’ve been feeling strangely disconnected lately. From my family. From my friends. From myself. I always refer to is as unraveling, as if something that was so tightly tied to me once is slipping from my grasp, and spinning itself into free strands that flap violently like my hair when I’ve left the windows down in my car on 321. I understand the disconnection from myself, it’s easy when people experience traumatic experiences or emotional turmoil to lose pieces of themselves. But writing, it’s helping me to reconnect to me. It’s forever a work in progress.
So I begin to think, why do I feel so disconnected to my friends? Why do I feel so disconnected from my family? Don’t I know what is going on in their lives? I know Mom enjoyed her time with my grandfather in Ohio, and Ricky is adamantly looking for work. I know Kasey has finally found a job (couldn’t be more excited for her!) and my adorable nephew is rocking a Mohawk these days. I know Kathryn is loving spending time with her family visiting from out of town and is looking into grad-school. Carey has had to restart her knitted hat three times. I know so much about so many of my friends right now, who’s losing weight and who’s expecting a baby, and who’s selling a house, and who’s struggling in their relationships.
But I haven’t seen my brothers or Kasey or Camden, my nephew, in weeks. I haven’t spoken to them either. I haven’t seen Kathryn in weeks, I barely get to talk with Carey more than ten minutes here or there.
Every morning when I’m brushing my teeth or drinking my coffee I’m staring at my phone: facebook, texts, blog news-feeds. Our generation is plagued daily with false sense of connection. What happened to conversation, verbal face to face conversation over coffee or wine or good food? What happened to hand written letters, not emails or texts or facebook chat conversations but long, sloppy, hand written letters that hold their own stories as they travel across the world?
I miss the organic simplicity of the past. Having a handful of people you keep in contact with through letters, or weekly dinners, or even phone conversations. I have had two phone conversations all week! Everything else is text, or facebook, or email.
And I understand the appeal of it, it’s the connection without the work. I don’t have to sit and talk, or make time to have a conversation with someone. I can keep up with their life by reading their blog. I know they’re engaged because their facebook status changed. How simple it is to “like” something on someone’s facebook than it is to seek him or her out to congratulate him or her, or send him or her a card to let them know that you appreciate the help they do. Hey, lets not call someone to wish them a happy birthday, let’s post it on their wall!
I know I sound like a hypocrite. And maybe in a way I am. I work two jobs. I have a 16-month-old daughter that I take care of by myself all the time. It’s easy to send a text asking someone how he or she is doing instead of making a phone call. It’s quicker to jump on facebook in the mornings and see what is going on in the lives of those who I keep close around me, and those who I’ve only met once. We are a very voyeuristic generation. Why do you think reality TV is as popular as it is?
It is in our human nature to crave connection. I said before it is the very thing that keeps us tied to the things around us. It’s what keeps us grounded. Reminds us we are not alone. These false connections we feed off of everyday, they are just a way for us to play life safely. I’m tired of taking the easy way out. I’m not built for it any more than I am built for failure. I tattooed the phoenix on my wrist for a reason. To remind myself that I am a fighter, not a survivor, and there is nothing in this world that can destroy me. The only thing in this life that will kill you is death. Everything else is manageable. Everything else is just a building stone to what is to come. Everything else is temporary.
Life in and of it-self is fleeting. And I’m tired of feeling like I’m wasting it. It’s not the kind of lifestyle I want to pass down to my daughter. I want her to make every day count.
Anyone who is still reading this is most likely wondering, what the hell is she getting at?
Well, here it is.
I’m taking a hiatus. I am going to start with a week, an entire glorious week without facebook. No reading the feeds. No liking the status’s. I’m going to disconnect my phone from it so I don’t get messages, or chat comments, or updates. Nothing. I am also going to make a conscious effort to stop texting. Now I realize with working, sometimes this might be difficult. But for the most part I won’t be texting at all. A few other things I am going to do:
One of two things will happen. I will either finally feel a real connection to the world around me, or this week long challenge will leave me feeling lonelier than ever.
Wish me luck.
I’ve been feeling strangely disconnected lately. From my family. From my friends. From myself. I always refer to is as unraveling, as if something that was so tightly tied to me once is slipping from my grasp, and spinning itself into free strands that flap violently like my hair when I’ve left the windows down in my car on 321. I understand the disconnection from myself, it’s easy when people experience traumatic experiences or emotional turmoil to lose pieces of themselves. But writing, it’s helping me to reconnect to me. It’s forever a work in progress.
So I begin to think, why do I feel so disconnected to my friends? Why do I feel so disconnected from my family? Don’t I know what is going on in their lives? I know Mom enjoyed her time with my grandfather in Ohio, and Ricky is adamantly looking for work. I know Kasey has finally found a job (couldn’t be more excited for her!) and my adorable nephew is rocking a Mohawk these days. I know Kathryn is loving spending time with her family visiting from out of town and is looking into grad-school. Carey has had to restart her knitted hat three times. I know so much about so many of my friends right now, who’s losing weight and who’s expecting a baby, and who’s selling a house, and who’s struggling in their relationships.
But I haven’t seen my brothers or Kasey or Camden, my nephew, in weeks. I haven’t spoken to them either. I haven’t seen Kathryn in weeks, I barely get to talk with Carey more than ten minutes here or there.
Disconnected...
Every morning when I’m brushing my teeth or drinking my coffee I’m staring at my phone: facebook, texts, blog news-feeds. Our generation is plagued daily with false sense of connection. What happened to conversation, verbal face to face conversation over coffee or wine or good food? What happened to hand written letters, not emails or texts or facebook chat conversations but long, sloppy, hand written letters that hold their own stories as they travel across the world?
I miss the organic simplicity of the past. Having a handful of people you keep in contact with through letters, or weekly dinners, or even phone conversations. I have had two phone conversations all week! Everything else is text, or facebook, or email.
And I understand the appeal of it, it’s the connection without the work. I don’t have to sit and talk, or make time to have a conversation with someone. I can keep up with their life by reading their blog. I know they’re engaged because their facebook status changed. How simple it is to “like” something on someone’s facebook than it is to seek him or her out to congratulate him or her, or send him or her a card to let them know that you appreciate the help they do. Hey, lets not call someone to wish them a happy birthday, let’s post it on their wall!
I know I sound like a hypocrite. And maybe in a way I am. I work two jobs. I have a 16-month-old daughter that I take care of by myself all the time. It’s easy to send a text asking someone how he or she is doing instead of making a phone call. It’s quicker to jump on facebook in the mornings and see what is going on in the lives of those who I keep close around me, and those who I’ve only met once. We are a very voyeuristic generation. Why do you think reality TV is as popular as it is?
It is in our human nature to crave connection. I said before it is the very thing that keeps us tied to the things around us. It’s what keeps us grounded. Reminds us we are not alone. These false connections we feed off of everyday, they are just a way for us to play life safely. I’m tired of taking the easy way out. I’m not built for it any more than I am built for failure. I tattooed the phoenix on my wrist for a reason. To remind myself that I am a fighter, not a survivor, and there is nothing in this world that can destroy me. The only thing in this life that will kill you is death. Everything else is manageable. Everything else is just a building stone to what is to come. Everything else is temporary.
Life in and of it-self is fleeting. And I’m tired of feeling like I’m wasting it. It’s not the kind of lifestyle I want to pass down to my daughter. I want her to make every day count.
Anyone who is still reading this is most likely wondering, what the hell is she getting at?
Well, here it is.
I’m taking a hiatus. I am going to start with a week, an entire glorious week without facebook. No reading the feeds. No liking the status’s. I’m going to disconnect my phone from it so I don’t get messages, or chat comments, or updates. Nothing. I am also going to make a conscious effort to stop texting. Now I realize with working, sometimes this might be difficult. But for the most part I won’t be texting at all. A few other things I am going to do:
1. Write a hand written letter at least twice a week.
---If I call and ask you for your address, you will know why.
2. Focus on talking to someone different everyday.
3. Have dinner with a friend at least once a week.
2. Focus on talking to someone different everyday.
3. Have dinner with a friend at least once a week.
One of two things will happen. I will either finally feel a real connection to the world around me, or this week long challenge will leave me feeling lonelier than ever.
Wish me luck.
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