I'm going to try to write this all down, but between my general exhaustion and the emotional exhaustion I am now consumed by I am not entirely sure if I can.
The last 24 hours have been very, enlightening to me. I realized I'm not ready to be dating. Charles was a very nice guy, and I really enjoyed dinner and the conversation but I'm just not ready. It's not that I'm not over Rick, I'm not over the relationship and I'm not over the hurt. I've spent the last eight years of my life in emotionally tense, exhausting, difficult relationships that had me turning myself inside out and twisting the pieces. I'm so burnt out on relationships that even the thought of getting involved with someone makes me nauseous. I'm not guarded, I'm locked down and I don't see anyone changing that any time soon. So what's the point? I'm just washing my hands of men, I'm washing my hands of dating. I'm just done.
In other news, Rick and I sat down tonight and talked. We "cleared the air" so to speak, agreeing that the anger, fighting and jabs back and forth needed to stop. We've lost focus on what's important, which is consistency and stability for Evelyn. The conversation was a lot calmer than I believe either of us thought it would be. We were both apprehensive. And a lot of things got settled. Things still feel awkward, and things will never be as easy between us as they were... but it's a start. Like Rick said, we are now on the same page, and we will just keep trying when it comes to everything else till we get it right.
But as he drove away I sat in my car in my driveway and cried. I don't know exactly what came over me. If it was letting go of all of that hate, or feeling shame in the way we've been behaving, sadness to see him go... I don't know. But it felt good to cry. I feel like it was something I had been bottling in and needed to let out.
Perhaps I can finally get some sleep. Or better yet, write some more.
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