I am loving Adele's new CD, 21 this morning. It has kept a permanent spot in my CD player for months, and it just gets better every time I listen to it.
So, I have a date Saturday night. And I'm really considering canceling it. I have been on exactly three dates since Rick and I split over a year ago. Three, and only one of those was with someone I didn't know. The other two were people I had known for years. Three... and all of those first dates. One hung out once or twice after, the other two not so much. Regardless, I can't seem to get past date two with anyone. I just don't seem to have it in me. They either have some small feature that I loving refer to as a "Scottonism", meaning some aspect of their personality reminds me of Rick rather it be good or bad and that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach or I just can't make the time.Actually, the more I think about it... they ALL had Scottonisms. :-/
And it's not that I'm not ready. I've been over the whole separation/divorce thing for awhile. I'm just nervous. I'm ten times more guarded then I was three years ago when I met Rick. I'm not as open to the possibility, or hope of good things. I don't know if I even really know how to let a guy be nice to me. I still don't feel like myself.
My best friend Kat asks why I want to date then, if I'm so anxious and nervous and nauseous over the idea. It's really simple. It's not that I want a relationship, or to replace Rick, or find Evelyn a "new daddy" as some people joke about. I would just really love to meet some new people. Being a single mom, and working two jobs I really have no time for me, and so the thought of sitting down for a nice dinner and adult conversation with someone I'm trying to get to know excites me. And he does seem like a very sweet guy who I would get along with really well.
I just wish I wasn't so burnt out on the idea of being involved with someone. I wish it didn't feel so pointless.
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