Pandoras Box

In the top of my closet is a box. It's one of those firesafe lock boxes. I keep it there like any responsible parent would, full of papers and birth certificates and insurance cards. Just in case.

That's not all I keep in there though. I keep the remains of a point in my life when I was happy. I keep things that would kill me to lose.

Things like my engagement ring and wedding band. Things like my favorite picture of Rick and I taken at freedom park. Things like every letter he wrote to me while in basic.

Needless to say,  I avoid opening this box.

Today I received a phone call from the doctor needing some of the information off of Evelyn's insurance card. I quickly pulled down the black box, removing items so I could find the card. Once I hung up with the doctors office I began putting them back, piece by piece, like a puzzle of a life I was suppose to have.

The box of letters fell, opening and releasing sweet words. I only glanced over the three that fell out, all three ones that were never sent but placed in my hand upon Rick's return once he had decided to come home instead of staying in the Army.

Letters of fear and nervousness. Letters of love and adoration. Letters of excitement and eager anticipation for the future. Letters promising strength during the hard times, and loyalty. 

My heart broke. Not for the tender words from a man who loved me more than anything. Not for the pain of every broken promise. My heart broke with the realization that not only is that time gone, but so is the man who wrote them and the young girl who would run at the sound of the mail everyday.

And my heart is still breaking.

Sunday is mothers day. Last year Rick and I spent the day with our families and then he took me to dinner. This year I know I won't feel any love or appreciation on his part. However, I feel as if I should.

But when I get off work I know Evie will smile and squeal and wrap her tiny arms around me as if to say "Mommy, I love you. "

And that is what will ease the aching. That is what will ease the regret and disappointment. Because she was the point of all of this and she is more than worth every moment of it.