A few days ago I read the Sex in the City quote, “Some people are settling down. Some people are settling. And some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” from a blog from Skirt!. The quote has lingered in my bones for the past few days now. I told the quote to Meredyth (my roommate) as we drove down Hwy. 321 the other night. She instantly fell in love with the bare boned honesty of it.
“So do you have butterflies?” She asked about my recent date. “Have you ever gotten butterflies?”
I thought carefully. “Twice.” I replied. “I’ve experienced them twice. Cameron and then with Rick. But, it took nearly 2 years for them to appear with Cameron. And months before I experienced them with Rick. I’ve never gotten them right away.”
In the flashes of memories I had at the thought of both relationships I began to wonder if my lack of butterflies was a bad thing. They normally come when I am feeling vulnerable and incapable of rational thought. They are that empty, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you spin and spin and spin, right before you tumble to the hard ground.
“Not even with…”
I cut her off before she could even say the name. “Nope.”
“Not once? Never?”
“No. Never. Well,” and I considered the question. “I guess with him it was a sort of, lightning bug?”
We both chuckled at the thought but now I am astonished by the accuracy behind my mocking analogy. With him it wasn’t like butterflies, it was more like bursts of electricity that would come and go so quickly my body would quake in the aftermath. It was cosmic and sudden and never anything shy of a childlike chase.
But this has me wondering. Is accepting less than butterflies settling? Crickets? Lightning bugs? What is settling? In every relationship isn’t there one person who loves the other more? In every relationship I’ve ever had there has been a clear distinction between who was more invested. So is it considered settling when we are doing it as a form of protection?
I don’t wanna settle. I’ve never been one for such things but is it wrong for me to not want to risk getting hurt again such a terrible thing?
Food for thought.
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