Driving home from work tonight I left the windows down. There had been a light mist of rain throughout the evening so the air smelt damp, and had a crisp chill that circled my bare shoulders and grazed my ears. This place has always been home. I know the roads like the lines in my grandmothers hands. I have memorized faces, can recognize voices like dreams from my childhood. This place is my comfort, and it's been my sanity for as long as I can remember.
I am beginning to feel like the arms that once rocked me, and kept me safe are now the arms that are strangling the life out of me. I find it hard to breathe here, I find it hard to grow.
I want new roads, new voices, new faces, new landscape.
I really want to start over somewhere. I feel like I need a new beginning. I need a new start. The past gripes my arms like vines, controlling every move I make, all meticulously picked words in every carefully selected phrase. I can dream of buying an old jeep, and moving where the air is dry and cactus's thrive in the heat. Or dream of owning a little used bookstore on a boardwalk where my soundtrack is seagulls and you can taste salt in the air. I can picture me freckled from the sun, hair damp and curly. Evelyn dancing in the sand and gawking at the starfish.
I need an escape. I just can't keep spinning my wheels here. The longer I stay, the harder it is for me to get out.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Brutal Honesty
You Ask Why Sometimes I Say Stop
You ask why sometimes I say stop
why sometimes I cry no
while I shake with pleasure.
What do I fear, you ask,
why don't I always want to come
and come again to that molten
deep sea center where the nerves
fuse open and the brain
and body shine with a black wordless light
fluorescent and heaving like plankton.
If you turn over the old refuse
of sexual slang, the worn buttons
of language, you find men
talk of spending and women
of dying.
You come in a torrent and ease
into limpness. Pleasure takes me
farther and farther from the shore
in a series of breakers, each
towering higher before it
crashes and spills flat.
I am open then as a palm held out,
open as a sunflower, without
crust, without shelter, without
skin, hideless and unhidden.
How can I let you ride
so far into me and not fear?
Helpless as a burning city,
how can I ignore that the extremes
of pleasure are fire storms
that leave a vacuum into which
dangerous feelings (tenderness,
affection, l o v e) may rush
like gale force winds.
-Marge Piercy-
You ask why sometimes I say stop
why sometimes I cry no
while I shake with pleasure.
What do I fear, you ask,
why don't I always want to come
and come again to that molten
deep sea center where the nerves
fuse open and the brain
and body shine with a black wordless light
fluorescent and heaving like plankton.
If you turn over the old refuse
of sexual slang, the worn buttons
of language, you find men
talk of spending and women
of dying.
You come in a torrent and ease
into limpness. Pleasure takes me
farther and farther from the shore
in a series of breakers, each
towering higher before it
crashes and spills flat.
I am open then as a palm held out,
open as a sunflower, without
crust, without shelter, without
skin, hideless and unhidden.
How can I let you ride
so far into me and not fear?
Helpless as a burning city,
how can I ignore that the extremes
of pleasure are fire storms
that leave a vacuum into which
dangerous feelings (tenderness,
affection, l o v e) may rush
like gale force winds.
-Marge Piercy-
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Back to Basics
Anyone who knows me, or reads my blog regularly knows I've had an extremely difficult year. In July Rick and I separated, and then in February decided to formalize our separation with a pending divorce. With countless fights, numerous emotional breakdowns, broken promises, lies, two moves, two jobs and countless sleepless nights I lost myself. I could feel that things were off. I didn't feel like myself. The night of my second move this year I sat in the backseat of Mitch's jeep while Mitch and Cale sat in the front. With a few beers in me, and the top of the jeep down I leaned back and let the crisp air wash over me like a baptism. I felt calm, I felt happy. Laughter erupted from me without hesitation, transforming from a chuckle to a full blown cackle. I remember Mitch smiling and saying to Cale, "oh the cackle, how I have missed the cackle."
His words have lingered in the back of my mind for a month now. I've tried to remember instances in the past year when I have laughed like that. I can't remember a single one. Until recently. I've been lucky enough to spend time with a friend recently who makes me cackle, and that alone makes me feel more like myself then I have in over a year.
I know it seems odd, to associate so much of myself with something as simple as a laugh. I just hope the cackle remains. It feels good to be able to laugh so hard again.
His words have lingered in the back of my mind for a month now. I've tried to remember instances in the past year when I have laughed like that. I can't remember a single one. Until recently. I've been lucky enough to spend time with a friend recently who makes me cackle, and that alone makes me feel more like myself then I have in over a year.
I know it seems odd, to associate so much of myself with something as simple as a laugh. I just hope the cackle remains. It feels good to be able to laugh so hard again.
Almost only counts in horseshoes and grenades.
This past week it was announced that under the health care reform female oral contraception will now be available with no co-pay. Basically, that means that women will be able to receive their monthly birth control prescription without having to pay a monthly fee for it.
I've never been one to follow politics or policies. I'm not extremely educated on the difference between liberal or conservative views. I always felt I kind of straddled the fence on most of the major issues. Where as I believe a woman has the right to decide what happens to her body I can't agree with partial birth abortions. With affirmative action I tend to lean more towards a conservative view, but when it comes to the death penalty I am liberal all the way. It's a back and forth cross through all of the issues.
That is why I am torn with the governments recent decision. I agree that health care needs the reform. I agree that a large issue in this country is unplanned/unwanted pregnancies. More and more children are being abandoned, and with the economic decline people need government assistance with health care, child care, living expenses, food stamps and ect to provide for these children. Of course the logical idea would be prevention... so in that sense free monthly birth control is an excellent idea. Especially since not every woman on birth control is sexually active. Sometimes it is a medical necessity.
But what about the individuals who don't need it. Rather it be men, women who are of an older age, women who choose to not use oral contraception for whatever their reason, why should they still be paying for it if they are not receiving anything out of it. I believe we should be helping each other... but we can not keep demanding and demanding and demanding help for all when we are only helping most.
It's an excellent idea, I support it... but it's not solving all of the big issues. Perhaps it's really just a step.
I've never been one to follow politics or policies. I'm not extremely educated on the difference between liberal or conservative views. I always felt I kind of straddled the fence on most of the major issues. Where as I believe a woman has the right to decide what happens to her body I can't agree with partial birth abortions. With affirmative action I tend to lean more towards a conservative view, but when it comes to the death penalty I am liberal all the way. It's a back and forth cross through all of the issues.
That is why I am torn with the governments recent decision. I agree that health care needs the reform. I agree that a large issue in this country is unplanned/unwanted pregnancies. More and more children are being abandoned, and with the economic decline people need government assistance with health care, child care, living expenses, food stamps and ect to provide for these children. Of course the logical idea would be prevention... so in that sense free monthly birth control is an excellent idea. Especially since not every woman on birth control is sexually active. Sometimes it is a medical necessity.
But what about the individuals who don't need it. Rather it be men, women who are of an older age, women who choose to not use oral contraception for whatever their reason, why should they still be paying for it if they are not receiving anything out of it. I believe we should be helping each other... but we can not keep demanding and demanding and demanding help for all when we are only helping most.
It's an excellent idea, I support it... but it's not solving all of the big issues. Perhaps it's really just a step.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Not That Girl
Last night I was hanging out with a friend of mine when a conversation began about how I've never been a "pampered" woman. It never bothered me before now, I always felt that girls who were spoiled and pampered like princesses were needy, and difficult. I was different, self sufficient and independent and understanding.
Once you get a taste of what it is like to be pampered though, even for just a second, it is easy to see why women love it. Why they desire the ease and adoration that comes from being taken care of, even when they are able to take care of themselves.
It feels odd to want romantic gestures like flowers or surprises. I've never liked surprises. I've always despised them. But now, it's almost like something inside of me is craving that kind of determination. Something inside of me is craving that kind of effort.
It's uncharted territory, and I doubt it will last long.
But who knows... maybe
Once you get a taste of what it is like to be pampered though, even for just a second, it is easy to see why women love it. Why they desire the ease and adoration that comes from being taken care of, even when they are able to take care of themselves.
It feels odd to want romantic gestures like flowers or surprises. I've never liked surprises. I've always despised them. But now, it's almost like something inside of me is craving that kind of determination. Something inside of me is craving that kind of effort.
It's uncharted territory, and I doubt it will last long.
But who knows... maybe
Life Lessons Curtosy of LTN
Lesson 12: Be very careful not to switch an M for an N... you can easily turn the name Shane, to Shame.
Todays post is brought to you by the letter D:
Dear Dim-witted Douchebag,
I realize that is may seem like I am walking around with a "Fuck Me" sign on my back. Despite my attempts to remove the sign, cross it out with magic marker and continue on it just seems to be there, obvious to every male in a 50 mile radius. I am, however, quite positive that there is nothing on that sign that insinuates that I will, in fact, have sex with you, or that sex with me is something you can buy. I understand it might be hard for you to believe, but not everyone can be bought... even if it is for only 30 minutes. Please remove your foot from your mouth so you can walk swiftly away with your three inch tail between your legs.
Sincerly,
You have got to be kidding me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear DBBMF,
Stop ruining this for me. Seriously, stop taking the things that make this whole experience worth while away. It's bumming me out.
Yours Truly,
The Silent One in the Corner.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear Douche-lord,
Please, stop being an epic douche-lord. It pains me to use such a title for you when I know the deepness of your disdain for the man who was the initial inspiration for such a characterization. It's unappealing, and exhausting, and just time consuming. Stop trying to play mind games. I don't know if you realized it but I haven't been playing back in awhile so you look kind of stupid sitting there playing with yourself.
Sincerely,
Not Budging...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear Dork,
Thank GOD you stopped making things weird. I like this so much better.
Sincerely,
The Sweetest Red Head You Know ;)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear McDreamy,
Circumstance sucks. And I hate missed opportunities almost as much as I hate the thought of Sunday. I love being random with you. Thank you for helping remember what it feels like to be me. I am sincerely and genuinely going to miss you more than I think either of us realize.
With A Lot of Heart,
The giggle queen of your dreams ;)
I realize that is may seem like I am walking around with a "Fuck Me" sign on my back. Despite my attempts to remove the sign, cross it out with magic marker and continue on it just seems to be there, obvious to every male in a 50 mile radius. I am, however, quite positive that there is nothing on that sign that insinuates that I will, in fact, have sex with you, or that sex with me is something you can buy. I understand it might be hard for you to believe, but not everyone can be bought... even if it is for only 30 minutes. Please remove your foot from your mouth so you can walk swiftly away with your three inch tail between your legs.
Sincerly,
You have got to be kidding me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear DBBMF,
Stop ruining this for me. Seriously, stop taking the things that make this whole experience worth while away. It's bumming me out.
Yours Truly,
The Silent One in the Corner.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear Douche-lord,
Please, stop being an epic douche-lord. It pains me to use such a title for you when I know the deepness of your disdain for the man who was the initial inspiration for such a characterization. It's unappealing, and exhausting, and just time consuming. Stop trying to play mind games. I don't know if you realized it but I haven't been playing back in awhile so you look kind of stupid sitting there playing with yourself.
Sincerely,
Not Budging...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear Dork,
Thank GOD you stopped making things weird. I like this so much better.
Sincerely,
The Sweetest Red Head You Know ;)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear McDreamy,
Circumstance sucks. And I hate missed opportunities almost as much as I hate the thought of Sunday. I love being random with you. Thank you for helping remember what it feels like to be me. I am sincerely and genuinely going to miss you more than I think either of us realize.
With A Lot of Heart,
The giggle queen of your dreams ;)
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