I will be 27 years old this up coming March, just five short days before my daughter turns 2. Raising a child, and trying to teach them everything can really make a person take a hard look at their opinions, ideals, morals, beliefs. I've always been a person who sees things as black and white, cut and dry. I can't help it. When you are in the grey there is too much uncertainty. I don't like illusions.
One illusion that I have had to really reassess, regrettably, is the childhood ideal that "love is all you need." I hate admitting that love isn't always enough. Just because you love someone, or because you miss someone doesn't mean that the person is good for you. I've been in love three times in my life, really TRULY in love and none of them where healthy relationships for me. Honestly, I can't really remember any healthy relationships. But I didn't exactly have a role model for faithful, devoted relationships that were rooted in loyalty and mutual respect.
I want better for her. I don't want her to see the kind of relationships I have with men, and think that it is the only way a relationship can be. I want her to be strong and defiant and loving. I want her to expect more. One thing I IDOLIZE about my best friend, and Evelyn's god-mother, Kathryn is the fact that she is so strongly set in her standards. She will not settle for anything less than she deserves. She wants to be chased, and her mother has instilled in her not to settle for anyone who won't. I LOVE that about her family. I LOVE that about her and can only pray Evelyn picks up on some of it.
So now how do I teach her all the wonders of the world and still let her believe in the fairytale?
Showing posts with label ideas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ideas. Show all posts
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
What doesn't kill you...
People who build you up. People who inspire you. People who break you. People who enter and exit your life without you noticing. People who shape you. People who you help create.
The other night I was conversing with a dear friend of mine when he said, "... I am a master at keeping people well past an arms length from my heart... She not only broke my heart, but my soul as well..." This conversation, these words have lingered in my bones for days. They have dangled like chandelier earrings while I brush my teeth in the mirror each morning. They have massaged my scalp, repeating as I wash, rinse, repeat. It's not the notion, the idea of being broken by someone. I am more than experienced with the devastation rooted in a broken heart. It's the idea that has wedged itself in between the curve of the B, lounging like James Dean on the T. People, and how a person can effect us.
It is wildly debated, does a person have power over us or do we ALLOW them to have power over us. I really don't know how I feel about that. I know that even though I walk around daily with a false bravado and confidence brushing my shoulders like my red curls what people say haunts me. Is that because I ALLOW it to, or because the truth is people are what makes the person?
I can think, without strain, of at least five people who have helped shape me into the woman I am today. A neighbor who let me borrow her sexy romance novels when I was 12. A man who I was too scared to call "Dad." A teacher who taught me to read. A man who engulfed every ounce of me like a Cuban cigar, letting me stain his fingertips and make a home of his lungs, just close enough to his heart to make me feel warm before releasing me into the stale, cool air. Women who inspire me. Women who encourage me. Women who are better than me.
A person is the company they keep. A person is the experiences they have.
I think people need to focus more on what is going on, instead of what is ahead. The stranger sitting two seats in front of you on the bus, the girl who brings you your pasta bowl refill, the boy who rotates your tires... who is the judge on what is significant? Who decides what is significant, and what will or won't effect you years down the line.
I know I carry with me far more than I ever expected from the people who I have crossed paths with. But, at the end of the day it is those things I carry that create the creative, loving, affectionate, ambitious, ruthless woman I am today.
I feel no shame in that. Maybe hesitation. Perhaps a little fear. Even a little resistance. But no shame.
The other night I was conversing with a dear friend of mine when he said, "... I am a master at keeping people well past an arms length from my heart... She not only broke my heart, but my soul as well..." This conversation, these words have lingered in my bones for days. They have dangled like chandelier earrings while I brush my teeth in the mirror each morning. They have massaged my scalp, repeating as I wash, rinse, repeat. It's not the notion, the idea of being broken by someone. I am more than experienced with the devastation rooted in a broken heart. It's the idea that has wedged itself in between the curve of the B, lounging like James Dean on the T. People, and how a person can effect us.
It is wildly debated, does a person have power over us or do we ALLOW them to have power over us. I really don't know how I feel about that. I know that even though I walk around daily with a false bravado and confidence brushing my shoulders like my red curls what people say haunts me. Is that because I ALLOW it to, or because the truth is people are what makes the person?
I can think, without strain, of at least five people who have helped shape me into the woman I am today. A neighbor who let me borrow her sexy romance novels when I was 12. A man who I was too scared to call "Dad." A teacher who taught me to read. A man who engulfed every ounce of me like a Cuban cigar, letting me stain his fingertips and make a home of his lungs, just close enough to his heart to make me feel warm before releasing me into the stale, cool air. Women who inspire me. Women who encourage me. Women who are better than me.
A person is the company they keep. A person is the experiences they have.
I think people need to focus more on what is going on, instead of what is ahead. The stranger sitting two seats in front of you on the bus, the girl who brings you your pasta bowl refill, the boy who rotates your tires... who is the judge on what is significant? Who decides what is significant, and what will or won't effect you years down the line.
I know I carry with me far more than I ever expected from the people who I have crossed paths with. But, at the end of the day it is those things I carry that create the creative, loving, affectionate, ambitious, ruthless woman I am today.
I feel no shame in that. Maybe hesitation. Perhaps a little fear. Even a little resistance. But no shame.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
I know I keep bringing up my divorce, and my [ex]husband a lot these days. The truth of the matter is since we set down last month and "cleared the air" our relationship has been slowing creeping back to that eerie, comfortable place it once was. Although I am thankful that Rick and I can now get along, and spend time with Evelyn it does make things slightly more difficult on me. I keep making the joke that hating him was so much easier. That anger was like a shield from everything else, and now that it is gone I feel as vulnerable as a newly bloomed posey. It's one of those things I know I'll be able to manage, I just haven't quite got my bearings on it yet. I tell myself that I would handle it better if I wasn't constantly reminded of how smoothly he moved on to his new [girl]friend. But that's just me making excuses, passing the buck, placing the blame on an anonymous face (although not really anonymous since I know what she looks like.) But that's not my point. This has nothing to do with what I set down to write.
With this new found [fri]endship with Rick I've been thinking a lot about the past, and the things that were suppose to happen. Plans we made, things we said we'd do, dreams we had. One thing I think the most about is college, and how we had planned for me to go back to school. As each month takes me further from my memories of late night cram sessions and editing pages upon pages of written material I find that of all things during this separation and divorce, this is one of the things I'm most bitter about. I feel like he's taken that opportunity from me.
But realistically, he hasn't. Lots of single mothers work and go to school. Lots of single mothers get degrees, and map out careers, and feel no shame in their pursuit of higher education. And really, why should they? Every step a mother makes is to create a better path for them and their children. Recently a friend of mine was talking about school, and finishing up his degree. "I miss college," I sighed. "I'd love to go back."
He laughed at me, "then go."
"I can't." I replied. "I already work two jobs, and I have Evie. I can't throw something else on top of that."
He braced both of my shoulders and looked me square in the eye. "Kirby, stop making excuses. You are not a woman who says 'I can't.' You're the woman who ran half naked around a crowded theater, the woman who drove to DC alone on a whim, and the girl who went through an entire difficult pregnancy alone. If you wanna do it, if you really wanna do it you will find a way to do it."
I've been thinking about what he said and he's right. I use to be so relentless about getting what I want. When did I become so passive, just willing to accept the cards I've be dealt and settle for something less than I want. So I've been going through the CVCC and the Gaston College web-sites looking at their programs and schedules, financial aid and application processes. But still, that voice is going back and forth inside my head:
You don't have the money to go back to college. You already have $25,000 in student loans. Do you really think someone is going to give you more money?
What about work. You work two jobs. Currently you're working 50+ hours a week. Can you really throw even more onto that?
And what about Evelyn. You already spend to much time away from her working like you do. Do you really want to risk missing more of her childhood?
You don't even know what you would major in!!!!
Well I still think it's an awful idea.
Who knows. Maybe it is. But shouldn't I try. The longer I'm out of a classroom the less I feel like I can breath.
I don't know what to do. A little guidance would be nice right about now.
With this new found [fri]endship with Rick I've been thinking a lot about the past, and the things that were suppose to happen. Plans we made, things we said we'd do, dreams we had. One thing I think the most about is college, and how we had planned for me to go back to school. As each month takes me further from my memories of late night cram sessions and editing pages upon pages of written material I find that of all things during this separation and divorce, this is one of the things I'm most bitter about. I feel like he's taken that opportunity from me.
But realistically, he hasn't. Lots of single mothers work and go to school. Lots of single mothers get degrees, and map out careers, and feel no shame in their pursuit of higher education. And really, why should they? Every step a mother makes is to create a better path for them and their children. Recently a friend of mine was talking about school, and finishing up his degree. "I miss college," I sighed. "I'd love to go back."
He laughed at me, "then go."
"I can't." I replied. "I already work two jobs, and I have Evie. I can't throw something else on top of that."
He braced both of my shoulders and looked me square in the eye. "Kirby, stop making excuses. You are not a woman who says 'I can't.' You're the woman who ran half naked around a crowded theater, the woman who drove to DC alone on a whim, and the girl who went through an entire difficult pregnancy alone. If you wanna do it, if you really wanna do it you will find a way to do it."
I've been thinking about what he said and he's right. I use to be so relentless about getting what I want. When did I become so passive, just willing to accept the cards I've be dealt and settle for something less than I want. So I've been going through the CVCC and the Gaston College web-sites looking at their programs and schedules, financial aid and application processes. But still, that voice is going back and forth inside my head:
You don't have the money to go back to college. You already have $25,000 in student loans. Do you really think someone is going to give you more money?
There are hundreds of thousands of dollars available to single mothers who want to extend their education. Grants, and awards, and scholarships, and loans. I mean, look at what a little research did for me 8 years ago. A $100,000 education for a quarter of the cost. I can make the money work.
What about work. You work two jobs. Currently you're working 50+ hours a week. Can you really throw even more onto that?
I'm not saying I can be a full-time student, but I could work around the work schedule. And besides, I already have my Bachelors in English and Creative Writing... a lot of my basic requirement classes will transfer and I won't have such a hefty course load.
And what about Evelyn. You already spend to much time away from her working like you do. Do you really want to risk missing more of her childhood?
No, No I don't. And I struggle with that everyday. But I can take some classes online, and I can make it work. It's to make things better for her anyway. So I can find a better, more stable job. So I can make more money to provide for her. So I can show her the kind of woman I want to be and that is the kind of woman she can look up to. I just want to be better.
You don't even know what you would major in!!!!
Well no, I don't. I could do many different things. Get my teaching certification, or do a communications degree. I could indulge my inner creativity and major in photography like I've always wanted to do. Or hell, I could do something completely different like a business degree. The point is I have options. Those aren't so bad.
Well I still think it's an awful idea.
Who knows. Maybe it is. But shouldn't I try. The longer I'm out of a classroom the less I feel like I can breath.
I don't know what to do. A little guidance would be nice right about now.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Almost only counts in horseshoes and grenades.
This past week it was announced that under the health care reform female oral contraception will now be available with no co-pay. Basically, that means that women will be able to receive their monthly birth control prescription without having to pay a monthly fee for it.
I've never been one to follow politics or policies. I'm not extremely educated on the difference between liberal or conservative views. I always felt I kind of straddled the fence on most of the major issues. Where as I believe a woman has the right to decide what happens to her body I can't agree with partial birth abortions. With affirmative action I tend to lean more towards a conservative view, but when it comes to the death penalty I am liberal all the way. It's a back and forth cross through all of the issues.
That is why I am torn with the governments recent decision. I agree that health care needs the reform. I agree that a large issue in this country is unplanned/unwanted pregnancies. More and more children are being abandoned, and with the economic decline people need government assistance with health care, child care, living expenses, food stamps and ect to provide for these children. Of course the logical idea would be prevention... so in that sense free monthly birth control is an excellent idea. Especially since not every woman on birth control is sexually active. Sometimes it is a medical necessity.
But what about the individuals who don't need it. Rather it be men, women who are of an older age, women who choose to not use oral contraception for whatever their reason, why should they still be paying for it if they are not receiving anything out of it. I believe we should be helping each other... but we can not keep demanding and demanding and demanding help for all when we are only helping most.
It's an excellent idea, I support it... but it's not solving all of the big issues. Perhaps it's really just a step.
I've never been one to follow politics or policies. I'm not extremely educated on the difference between liberal or conservative views. I always felt I kind of straddled the fence on most of the major issues. Where as I believe a woman has the right to decide what happens to her body I can't agree with partial birth abortions. With affirmative action I tend to lean more towards a conservative view, but when it comes to the death penalty I am liberal all the way. It's a back and forth cross through all of the issues.
That is why I am torn with the governments recent decision. I agree that health care needs the reform. I agree that a large issue in this country is unplanned/unwanted pregnancies. More and more children are being abandoned, and with the economic decline people need government assistance with health care, child care, living expenses, food stamps and ect to provide for these children. Of course the logical idea would be prevention... so in that sense free monthly birth control is an excellent idea. Especially since not every woman on birth control is sexually active. Sometimes it is a medical necessity.
But what about the individuals who don't need it. Rather it be men, women who are of an older age, women who choose to not use oral contraception for whatever their reason, why should they still be paying for it if they are not receiving anything out of it. I believe we should be helping each other... but we can not keep demanding and demanding and demanding help for all when we are only helping most.
It's an excellent idea, I support it... but it's not solving all of the big issues. Perhaps it's really just a step.
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