I've been feeling extremely unraveled today. It's been an Alanis Morissette and Garden State kind of day. Jagged Little Pill was such an amazing album. I just feel a need to run. A need to escape. I need to get away from myself for awhile.
I was talking to one of my best friends today, telling her how I haven't felt loneliness like this in a long time. For the first time in I don't know how long I want to open up to someone. It feels so strange feeling like I'm ready to let someone else in. I don't remember what it feels like to want to give part of myself away. All I know is I want to feel loved again, and want to love again. Life feels so empty and pointless without it.
I'd love nothing more than to nuzzle into the crook of his arm, sweetly kiss his ear-lobe like he likes and just breath him in...
Oh the messes we make.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Inches from falling I catch myself...
... sugary sweet words
lingering on the tip
of his tongue
as he brushes
paintstrokes
across my lips
my cheek
my ear.
Intoxicatingly disarming
stripping layer upon layer
of bared wire and stone
from my core
like pieces of clothing
ripped and strung
across broken lamp shades...
It's a work in progress. Man I love things with promise... :)
lingering on the tip
of his tongue
as he brushes
paintstrokes
across my lips
my cheek
my ear.
Intoxicatingly disarming
stripping layer upon layer
of bared wire and stone
from my core
like pieces of clothing
ripped and strung
across broken lamp shades...
It's a work in progress. Man I love things with promise... :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Brutal Honesty
You Ask Why Sometimes I Say Stop
You ask why sometimes I say stop
why sometimes I cry no
while I shake with pleasure.
What do I fear, you ask,
why don't I always want to come
and come again to that molten
deep sea center where the nerves
fuse open and the brain
and body shine with a black wordless light
fluorescent and heaving like plankton.
If you turn over the old refuse
of sexual slang, the worn buttons
of language, you find men
talk of spending and women
of dying.
You come in a torrent and ease
into limpness. Pleasure takes me
farther and farther from the shore
in a series of breakers, each
towering higher before it
crashes and spills flat.
I am open then as a palm held out,
open as a sunflower, without
crust, without shelter, without
skin, hideless and unhidden.
How can I let you ride
so far into me and not fear?
Helpless as a burning city,
how can I ignore that the extremes
of pleasure are fire storms
that leave a vacuum into which
dangerous feelings (tenderness,
affection, l o v e) may rush
like gale force winds.
-Marge Piercy-
You ask why sometimes I say stop
why sometimes I cry no
while I shake with pleasure.
What do I fear, you ask,
why don't I always want to come
and come again to that molten
deep sea center where the nerves
fuse open and the brain
and body shine with a black wordless light
fluorescent and heaving like plankton.
If you turn over the old refuse
of sexual slang, the worn buttons
of language, you find men
talk of spending and women
of dying.
You come in a torrent and ease
into limpness. Pleasure takes me
farther and farther from the shore
in a series of breakers, each
towering higher before it
crashes and spills flat.
I am open then as a palm held out,
open as a sunflower, without
crust, without shelter, without
skin, hideless and unhidden.
How can I let you ride
so far into me and not fear?
Helpless as a burning city,
how can I ignore that the extremes
of pleasure are fire storms
that leave a vacuum into which
dangerous feelings (tenderness,
affection, l o v e) may rush
like gale force winds.
-Marge Piercy-
Monday, May 30, 2011
Morning Routine
Alarm
Let go.
Pee.
Brush Teeth.
Check on Evie
Let go.
Start coffee.
Look outside.
Start shower.
Undress
Let go.
Wash hair.
Condition hair.
Let go.
Wash.
Let go.
Stand in the warmth of the water with eyes closed.
Let go.
Turn off water.
Step out.
Make a cup of coffee.
Let go.
Turn on TV to VH1.
Put on lotion.
Let go.
Get dressed.
Brush hair.
Let go.
Blow dry hair.
Let go.
Straighten hair.
Let go.
Refill coffee.
Sit on front porch and listen to the traffic.
Let go.
Check on Evelyn.
Let go.
Let go.
Put on make up.
Inspect appearance.
Let go.
Turn off TV.
Let Go.
Put on shoes.
Let Go.
Grab keys.
Let go.
Let go.
Start car.
Reverse.
Breathe
Forget.
Let go.
Pee.
Brush Teeth.
Check on Evie
Let go.
Start coffee.
Look outside.
Start shower.
Undress
Let go.
Wash hair.
Condition hair.
Let go.
Wash.
Let go.
Stand in the warmth of the water with eyes closed.
Let go.
Turn off water.
Step out.
Make a cup of coffee.
Let go.
Turn on TV to VH1.
Put on lotion.
Let go.
Get dressed.
Brush hair.
Let go.
Blow dry hair.
Let go.
Straighten hair.
Let go.
Refill coffee.
Sit on front porch and listen to the traffic.
Let go.
Check on Evelyn.
Let go.
Let go.
Put on make up.
Inspect appearance.
Let go.
Turn off TV.
Let Go.
Put on shoes.
Let Go.
Grab keys.
Let go.
Let go.
Start car.
Reverse.
Breathe
Forget.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
A Feeling I Need.
I remember how it felt when I sat behind the wheel of Rick's Exterra in Georgia and realized the smiling soldier was him.
Fear. Anxiety. Love. Excitement. My heart literally melting at the joy in his eyes. I've never felt so proud and so appreciated because of the relief across his face.
I remember the feeling... but I can't imitate it. And these days, I wish I would have let it linger longer or bottled it up so I could feel it now.
I need that feeling now.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Butterflies, Lightning Bugs and Crickets
A few days ago I read the Sex in the City quote, “Some people are settling down. Some people are settling. And some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” from a blog from Skirt!. The quote has lingered in my bones for the past few days now. I told the quote to Meredyth (my roommate) as we drove down Hwy. 321 the other night. She instantly fell in love with the bare boned honesty of it.
“So do you have butterflies?” She asked about my recent date. “Have you ever gotten butterflies?”
I thought carefully. “Twice.” I replied. “I’ve experienced them twice. Cameron and then with Rick. But, it took nearly 2 years for them to appear with Cameron. And months before I experienced them with Rick. I’ve never gotten them right away.”
In the flashes of memories I had at the thought of both relationships I began to wonder if my lack of butterflies was a bad thing. They normally come when I am feeling vulnerable and incapable of rational thought. They are that empty, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you spin and spin and spin, right before you tumble to the hard ground.
“Not even with…”
I cut her off before she could even say the name. “Nope.”
“Not once? Never?”
“No. Never. Well,” and I considered the question. “I guess with him it was a sort of, lightning bug?”
We both chuckled at the thought but now I am astonished by the accuracy behind my mocking analogy. With him it wasn’t like butterflies, it was more like bursts of electricity that would come and go so quickly my body would quake in the aftermath. It was cosmic and sudden and never anything shy of a childlike chase.
But this has me wondering. Is accepting less than butterflies settling? Crickets? Lightning bugs? What is settling? In every relationship isn’t there one person who loves the other more? In every relationship I’ve ever had there has been a clear distinction between who was more invested. So is it considered settling when we are doing it as a form of protection?
I don’t wanna settle. I’ve never been one for such things but is it wrong for me to not want to risk getting hurt again such a terrible thing?
Food for thought.
“So do you have butterflies?” She asked about my recent date. “Have you ever gotten butterflies?”
I thought carefully. “Twice.” I replied. “I’ve experienced them twice. Cameron and then with Rick. But, it took nearly 2 years for them to appear with Cameron. And months before I experienced them with Rick. I’ve never gotten them right away.”
In the flashes of memories I had at the thought of both relationships I began to wonder if my lack of butterflies was a bad thing. They normally come when I am feeling vulnerable and incapable of rational thought. They are that empty, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you spin and spin and spin, right before you tumble to the hard ground.
“Not even with…”
I cut her off before she could even say the name. “Nope.”
“Not once? Never?”
“No. Never. Well,” and I considered the question. “I guess with him it was a sort of, lightning bug?”
We both chuckled at the thought but now I am astonished by the accuracy behind my mocking analogy. With him it wasn’t like butterflies, it was more like bursts of electricity that would come and go so quickly my body would quake in the aftermath. It was cosmic and sudden and never anything shy of a childlike chase.
But this has me wondering. Is accepting less than butterflies settling? Crickets? Lightning bugs? What is settling? In every relationship isn’t there one person who loves the other more? In every relationship I’ve ever had there has been a clear distinction between who was more invested. So is it considered settling when we are doing it as a form of protection?
I don’t wanna settle. I’ve never been one for such things but is it wrong for me to not want to risk getting hurt again such a terrible thing?
Food for thought.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Pandoras Box
In the top of my closet is a box. It's one of those firesafe lock boxes. I keep it there like any responsible parent would, full of papers and birth certificates and insurance cards. Just in case.
That's not all I keep in there though. I keep the remains of a point in my life when I was happy. I keep things that would kill me to lose.
Things like my engagement ring and wedding band. Things like my favorite picture of Rick and I taken at freedom park. Things like every letter he wrote to me while in basic.
Needless to say, I avoid opening this box.
Today I received a phone call from the doctor needing some of the information off of Evelyn's insurance card. I quickly pulled down the black box, removing items so I could find the card. Once I hung up with the doctors office I began putting them back, piece by piece, like a puzzle of a life I was suppose to have.
The box of letters fell, opening and releasing sweet words. I only glanced over the three that fell out, all three ones that were never sent but placed in my hand upon Rick's return once he had decided to come home instead of staying in the Army.
Letters of fear and nervousness. Letters of love and adoration. Letters of excitement and eager anticipation for the future. Letters promising strength during the hard times, and loyalty.
My heart broke. Not for the tender words from a man who loved me more than anything. Not for the pain of every broken promise. My heart broke with the realization that not only is that time gone, but so is the man who wrote them and the young girl who would run at the sound of the mail everyday.
And my heart is still breaking.
Sunday is mothers day. Last year Rick and I spent the day with our families and then he took me to dinner. This year I know I won't feel any love or appreciation on his part. However, I feel as if I should.
But when I get off work I know Evie will smile and squeal and wrap her tiny arms around me as if to say "Mommy, I love you. "
And that is what will ease the aching. That is what will ease the regret and disappointment. Because she was the point of all of this and she is more than worth every moment of it.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Totally and Completely In Love
Right now I am totally and completely in love with:
 |
| My New Tanktop |
 |
| 21 by Adele |
 |
| Every brilliant word this woman has ever written |
 |
| An escape plan |
 |
| Ruggedly attractive men... |
 |
| ...with a tortured artist appeal |
 |
| Real Talent |
I hope some day I can bend, as far as it takes to understand, and risk breaking open again...
Two nights ago I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together in anger. My neck was tense and my back ached with the fire that fueled me. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. And I could not breathe because the very presence of breath in my lungs twisted into the sickness in my stomach and just expanded like some kind of bad science project.
Last night I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together in fear. My neck was tense and my back ached with the gray numbness that filled me. I was shocked. I felt alone. And I could not breathe because the very presence of breath in my lungs twisted with the anxiety in my stomach and just expanded like some miss shaped cake.
Life changes in a moment. And suddenly, every thing comes into a clear perceptive. The things that weighed on you don't seem so heavy under the pressure of something worse. Something unalterable. Something that can not be fixed. A pain that will not fade in time. Something that someone can't "make up to you."
Nothing. Else. Mattered.
And so as I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together I wanted one thing... him there to steady them. Him there to ease the tension in my neck and wrap his arms around my back so that it no longer ached. I would feel safe. I would feel calm. And my breathe would steady into rhythm with his as sleep finally took over, like a fairy casting a spell on my dreams.
Last night I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together in fear. My neck was tense and my back ached with the gray numbness that filled me. I was shocked. I felt alone. And I could not breathe because the very presence of breath in my lungs twisted with the anxiety in my stomach and just expanded like some miss shaped cake.
Life changes in a moment. And suddenly, every thing comes into a clear perceptive. The things that weighed on you don't seem so heavy under the pressure of something worse. Something unalterable. Something that can not be fixed. A pain that will not fade in time. Something that someone can't "make up to you."
Nothing. Else. Mattered.
And so as I sat in the wee hours of the morning, twisting my hands together I wanted one thing... him there to steady them. Him there to ease the tension in my neck and wrap his arms around my back so that it no longer ached. I would feel safe. I would feel calm. And my breathe would steady into rhythm with his as sleep finally took over, like a fairy casting a spell on my dreams.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Not the best idea ever...
I shouldn't be writing this. I should be locked in my bedroom with an empty notebook and fresh pen bleeding into the page until my hand cramps. That hand cramp is almost like running, when your lungs burn and side aches for relief but you just push through the pain. This is my way of pushing through the pain, alleviating the hand cramp so that I can get to the end. I'm getting to the end...
I'm coming to a point where I don't know what to do. Being torn between what was and what is are two difficult things. At some point I have to not only acknowledge the fact that he says things deliberately to hurt me but I have to attach to that thought so that the truth of it really lingers. He's hurting me. He's hurting me on purpose. He has been for months. And he doesn't care.
That's the real root of it. He.Doesn't.Care.
I'm exhausted. And I'm hurt. And I feel like a fool because even with the facts in front of me I still took his word for it, and now he's caught in the lie. Even though he still denies it, denying you're doing something wrong doesn't mean you're not doing something wrong.
And yet my virtue gets put into question... as if I'm some kind of harlot who is running around with men all over town. I've been on two dates. Two. And I didn't lie to him about them...
That, that's the difference.
And I know he's reading this... because it was thrown into my face something I wrote more than two months ago tonight. Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel the need to write it.
Because saying how hurt I am never holds the same power as seeing it in print.
And I'm hurt.
I'm coming to a point where I don't know what to do. Being torn between what was and what is are two difficult things. At some point I have to not only acknowledge the fact that he says things deliberately to hurt me but I have to attach to that thought so that the truth of it really lingers. He's hurting me. He's hurting me on purpose. He has been for months. And he doesn't care.
That's the real root of it. He.Doesn't.Care.
I'm exhausted. And I'm hurt. And I feel like a fool because even with the facts in front of me I still took his word for it, and now he's caught in the lie. Even though he still denies it, denying you're doing something wrong doesn't mean you're not doing something wrong.
And yet my virtue gets put into question... as if I'm some kind of harlot who is running around with men all over town. I've been on two dates. Two. And I didn't lie to him about them...
That, that's the difference.
And I know he's reading this... because it was thrown into my face something I wrote more than two months ago tonight. Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel the need to write it.
Because saying how hurt I am never holds the same power as seeing it in print.
And I'm hurt.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Longest Week Ever
As I sit here, drinking an ice cold beer listening to my roommate unload about her relationship drama. To say that this week has been difficult, or emotional, or long are all complete and utter understatements.
This week has been a cluster-mind fuck. And it has left me feeling vulnerable. It has left me feeling drained. And in this moment I find the best way for me to deal is to just cave into myself and take some time.
The week wasn't all bad. It began with a trip to Concord so Evie and Rick could spend some time together, but the days Rick and I spend together are always disarming and emotional. It's hard to deny the feelings I have for him, especially when he looks at me with those eyes: the same eyes that whispered "my god she's beautiful": to me as I slept on one of our first nights together. The love may have slighted, and faded, and twisted into bitterness and then back again but it is evident it is there... and I am struggling with trying to be strong against it.
The day ended abruptly when I was contacted by my mother telling me my sister in law was in labor. It turns out she wasn't. Tuesday is a blur... I couldn't tell you what happened on that day.
Wednesday, I spent the majority of my day in the ER after my mother had another breathing episode and collapsed. I received a call from my sister in law telling me to get to the ER as I was getting ready for work. After blood work, xrays, soft tissue analysis they still can't explain why she is having the issue she is. All they can say is that her lungs have scaring on them and they need to do CTscans. I was terrified to say the least. Rick tried to come to my rescue but my brothers went off on me when i told them he was on his way. I had to convince Rick to stay where he was, which got him upset with me and just made the entire experience even more difficult.
The rest of the week was a cluster of busy work, relationship drama (from the roomie) arguments and disappointments with Rick, and my nephew finally being born.
Days without real sleep.
Lost work shifts resulting in a short in money.
A daughter who has been insanely difficult.
A gut feeling that someone is lying to me and keeping something EXTREMELY important from me.
And Rick deciding he didn't want to spend Easter with us, because he didn't want me to waste the gas (can't help but think it was more about the plans he made though)...
The moral of the story is... because of my exhaustion and emotional-stability and just sanity it is essential to me for next week to be calm, easy, dull, dare I say boring.
It's gonna happen, if I have to shut my phone off and ignore facebook for a week... it's gonna happen.
This week has been a cluster-mind fuck. And it has left me feeling vulnerable. It has left me feeling drained. And in this moment I find the best way for me to deal is to just cave into myself and take some time.
The week wasn't all bad. It began with a trip to Concord so Evie and Rick could spend some time together, but the days Rick and I spend together are always disarming and emotional. It's hard to deny the feelings I have for him, especially when he looks at me with those eyes: the same eyes that whispered "my god she's beautiful": to me as I slept on one of our first nights together. The love may have slighted, and faded, and twisted into bitterness and then back again but it is evident it is there... and I am struggling with trying to be strong against it.
The day ended abruptly when I was contacted by my mother telling me my sister in law was in labor. It turns out she wasn't. Tuesday is a blur... I couldn't tell you what happened on that day.
Wednesday, I spent the majority of my day in the ER after my mother had another breathing episode and collapsed. I received a call from my sister in law telling me to get to the ER as I was getting ready for work. After blood work, xrays, soft tissue analysis they still can't explain why she is having the issue she is. All they can say is that her lungs have scaring on them and they need to do CTscans. I was terrified to say the least. Rick tried to come to my rescue but my brothers went off on me when i told them he was on his way. I had to convince Rick to stay where he was, which got him upset with me and just made the entire experience even more difficult.
The rest of the week was a cluster of busy work, relationship drama (from the roomie) arguments and disappointments with Rick, and my nephew finally being born.
Days without real sleep.
Lost work shifts resulting in a short in money.
A daughter who has been insanely difficult.
A gut feeling that someone is lying to me and keeping something EXTREMELY important from me.
And Rick deciding he didn't want to spend Easter with us, because he didn't want me to waste the gas (can't help but think it was more about the plans he made though)...
The moral of the story is... because of my exhaustion and emotional-stability and just sanity it is essential to me for next week to be calm, easy, dull, dare I say boring.
It's gonna happen, if I have to shut my phone off and ignore facebook for a week... it's gonna happen.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Tip of the Pencil
At some point a woman just has to say enough is enough and she deserves more.
I'm doing more than saying it... I'm demanding it.
And I will get it.
I'm doing more than saying it... I'm demanding it.
And I will get it.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Disarmed and Dismantled
I mentioned the other night that the sheer presence of my ex was both disarming and intoxicating. It is almost impossible to not be drawn in by his witty banter and boyish grin. I tried today to resist it, but I found it pointless. What can I say, it's difficult not to be a little dismantled in my loathing for the man when I watch as he makes Evelyn cackle when he tickles her, the way he closely watched her as she played or the way she would nuzzle into his neck when she was lovingly hugging him goodbye.
In those moments, it's difficult not to love some part of him.
In those moments, it's difficult not to love some part of him.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Insomnia - 1.... Kirby - 0
It's past 4am and I find myself awake, movie playing near silent on my tv and my fingers gliding across the keyboard of my computer. I wish I could say it was because of the inspiration pouring through them, that I have finally cracked the surface of my creativity and given new lifeblood to the title of writer. But sadly the only titles I am acquainted with at the moment is the title of Mommy, the title of woman, the title of ex and the title of, well... just the title of being.
The other night as I was driving home from one of the longest days of my existence I peeked at my cell phone, craving the desire to call someone and the connection of having that last call of the day. It was in that moment that I experienced an epiphany... I'm not in love. This may seem as an odd epiphany to many but for me... it was essential.
I've been in love with three men in my lifetime, but they have been consecutive to the point that as soon as I fall out of love with one I am immediately in love, or even back in love with another. It's been exhausting, and intoxicating and completely confusing but it has been a life of love and I have embraced it for all it's wonders and tribulations. For the first time, in nearly a decade I'm not in love. As where as I always expected this experience to leave me feeling lonely and depressed and empty I find it is more empowering and freeing, like breathing the fresh air after coming down the mountain. You've grown accustomed to how thin the air is at the top so that when you reach the bottom and your lungs become full it is almost painful... but it is fresh.
I haven't been in love with Rick for a long time, and it has taken me twice as long to realize it. At one point he was capable of being a man I could respect and admire but the more I think about it in the absence of his intoxicating and disarming personality it becomes clearer to me that he's not that man and hasn't been that man for awhile. And I feel the need to clarify, I am in no way passing judgments on the man he is, he is a man he can live with... but, he's not a man I can love. He's barely even a man I can respect. But he is a man I will tolerate because I want him to be a part of our daughters life... because she loves him.
I've fought the love of another, someone torrid and passionate and completely unreasonable. I've been fighting the connect with such brute force that I hadn't realizes the ties to that bond had already been unraveling and slowly fading away. It was always a love that was timeless, epic, and recklessly passionate... but where is there room for that in the real world? That is the kind of love that belongs in literature from the Romantics. I feel like I've finally let that go.
And so, with this new found clarity and independence I feel like I can step forward and begin the next stage of my life unhindered. The only other person who is essential in creating the next phase of my life is Evelyn, and she will always been a deciding factor in what I do.
But on another note... here is the trailer of an awesome movie I discovered tonight.
I love it... and can't wait to read the book it's based off of.
The other night as I was driving home from one of the longest days of my existence I peeked at my cell phone, craving the desire to call someone and the connection of having that last call of the day. It was in that moment that I experienced an epiphany... I'm not in love. This may seem as an odd epiphany to many but for me... it was essential.
I've been in love with three men in my lifetime, but they have been consecutive to the point that as soon as I fall out of love with one I am immediately in love, or even back in love with another. It's been exhausting, and intoxicating and completely confusing but it has been a life of love and I have embraced it for all it's wonders and tribulations. For the first time, in nearly a decade I'm not in love. As where as I always expected this experience to leave me feeling lonely and depressed and empty I find it is more empowering and freeing, like breathing the fresh air after coming down the mountain. You've grown accustomed to how thin the air is at the top so that when you reach the bottom and your lungs become full it is almost painful... but it is fresh.
I haven't been in love with Rick for a long time, and it has taken me twice as long to realize it. At one point he was capable of being a man I could respect and admire but the more I think about it in the absence of his intoxicating and disarming personality it becomes clearer to me that he's not that man and hasn't been that man for awhile. And I feel the need to clarify, I am in no way passing judgments on the man he is, he is a man he can live with... but, he's not a man I can love. He's barely even a man I can respect. But he is a man I will tolerate because I want him to be a part of our daughters life... because she loves him.
I've fought the love of another, someone torrid and passionate and completely unreasonable. I've been fighting the connect with such brute force that I hadn't realizes the ties to that bond had already been unraveling and slowly fading away. It was always a love that was timeless, epic, and recklessly passionate... but where is there room for that in the real world? That is the kind of love that belongs in literature from the Romantics. I feel like I've finally let that go.
And so, with this new found clarity and independence I feel like I can step forward and begin the next stage of my life unhindered. The only other person who is essential in creating the next phase of my life is Evelyn, and she will always been a deciding factor in what I do.
But on another note... here is the trailer of an awesome movie I discovered tonight.
I love it... and can't wait to read the book it's based off of.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Exception
I just got done watching He's Just Not That Into you with a few friends of mine. Kathryn surprisingly had never seen it so we felt the need to rectify the situation immediately.
As cheesy as it may sound the movie is extremely smart and has a lot of good advice and points to it.
I attempted to find the ending scene on Youtube so that I could post it... when Alex shows up on Gigi's door and tells her she is his exception.
Didn't work.
But the lesson of the night... we are NOT the exception... and I have to stop thinking I am. It's not getting me anywhere.
As cheesy as it may sound the movie is extremely smart and has a lot of good advice and points to it.
I attempted to find the ending scene on Youtube so that I could post it... when Alex shows up on Gigi's door and tells her she is his exception.
Didn't work.
But the lesson of the night... we are NOT the exception... and I have to stop thinking I am. It's not getting me anywhere.
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