Not That Girl

Last night I was hanging out with a friend of mine when a conversation began about how I've never been a "pampered" woman. It never bothered me before now, I always felt that girls who were spoiled and pampered like princesses were needy, and difficult. I was different, self sufficient and independent and understanding.

Once you get a taste of what it is like to be pampered though, even for just a second, it is easy to see why women love it. Why they desire the ease and adoration that comes from being taken care of, even when they are able to take care of themselves.

It feels odd to want romantic gestures like flowers or surprises. I've never liked surprises. I've always despised them. But now, it's almost like something inside of me is craving that kind of determination. Something inside of me is craving that kind of effort.

It's uncharted territory, and I doubt it will last long.

But who knows... maybe

I'd had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over...

I am loving Adele's new CD, 21 this morning. It has kept a permanent spot in my CD player for months, and it just gets better every time I listen to it.

So, I have a date Saturday night. And I'm really considering canceling it. I have been on exactly three dates since Rick and I split over a year ago. Three, and only one of those was with someone I didn't know. The other two were people I had known for years. Three... and all of those first dates. One hung out once or twice after, the other two not so much. Regardless, I can't seem to get past date two with anyone. I just don't seem to have it in me. They either have some small feature that I loving refer to as a "Scottonism", meaning some aspect of their personality reminds me of Rick rather it be good or bad and that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach or I just can't make the time.Actually, the more I think about it... they ALL had Scottonisms. :-/

And it's not that I'm not ready. I've been over the whole separation/divorce thing for awhile. I'm just nervous. I'm ten times more guarded then I was three years ago when I met Rick. I'm not as open to the possibility, or hope of good things. I don't know if I even really know how to let a guy be nice to me. I still don't feel like myself.

My best friend Kat asks why I want to date then, if I'm so anxious and nervous and nauseous over the idea. It's really simple. It's not that I want a relationship, or to replace Rick, or find Evelyn a "new daddy" as some people joke about. I would just really love to meet some new people. Being a single mom, and working two jobs I really have no time for me, and so the thought of sitting down for a nice dinner and adult conversation with someone I'm trying to get to know excites me. And he does seem like a very sweet guy who I would get along with really well.

I just wish I wasn't so burnt out on the idea of being involved with someone. I wish it didn't feel so pointless.

The only thing better.

Scene: 1 am. Foggy. A thick mist is lingering along the horizon. Location: backroad trail that has been cleared for a new development. There stands a boy with shaggy hair, a girl with her hands wrapped around her because of the chill in the air. Talking. Laughing. Discussing the scene as if it were paint on the canvas. He steps an inch closer, then away, then walks to the other side of her like a dance. Hesistant. Both laugh nervously. 

The only thing better than kissing on the first date is almost kissing on the first date.