rest in PEACE

Dealing with all of the emotional turmoil of the past several days I have yet to comment on Peace College’s announcement Thursday that they are transitioning to a co-ed college and changing their name to William Peace College beginning Fall 2012.

I hate to admit I was not surprised by the announcement since Peace College’s admissions have steadily been declining the past few years, but my lack of surprise does not alleviate my sadness at their finalized decision.

I was privileged and fortunate enough to graduate from Salem College, a women’s college, in 2007. Salem is an institution that has stood for tradition, honesty, and academic excellence for nearly 239 years.  When you first access the website you see the words “Confidence,” “Education,” and “Career.” A women’s college education is about seeking the best, and being the best. It was one of the many reasons why I chose a women’s college compared to a more traditional co-ed education. Tom Matlack described it best in a recent article published at Scribd.com when he quoted a senior at Barnard College. “Three percent of women graduating from high school go to women’s colleges, and yet 30 percent of congresswomen went to women’s colleges and 20 percent of the female CEOs.” We are women who do not discuss change. We are the women who demand, instigate, and channel change.

I am fully aware of the stigma that surrounds a women’s college education. They are a breeding ground for radical feminists. My close male friend’s favorite opinion during my college years was that a women’s college is basically a brothel. I don’t think people realize the benefits that a woman receives from a single-sex education. First off, there are smaller classrooms, more intensive curriculum, better networking opportunities, and the ability to focus. Salem had even more to offer it’s students, including the Center for Women’s Writers, hundreds of years of sisterhood and tradition, the beautiful surroundings of Old Salem, and my personal favorite, Dr. Jo Dulan who, to this day, is one of the most brilliant women I have ever encountered.

So despite some peoples belief that Women’s Colleges are a dying institution, that they are outdated, and an ancient ideology I am truly sad by Peace College’s decision to make the transition. So many colleges are making the change and it’s denying so many young women the same opportunities that I had, and that all the women before me had.
There are nearly 60 institutions in the United States that offer a same-sex education for women. Compare that to the 5 institutions in the United States that offer a same-sex education for men and begin to wonder why there are so few.

One could wager a guess. But I suppose that is an entirely different subject.

Regardless of my sadness and disappointment, I will support the women and the alumni of Peace College. I feel for their loss, and fear the eventual loss of many more women’s colleges in the upcoming years.

Women’s Colleges and Salem College stand strong.

Something is better than nothing.

Shattered promises
torn at corners
like broken pieces 
scattered across hardwood floors.
Illusions linger in the shards,
flirting their way into the crevices
of my fingertips.
It seeps into my blood stream,
like venom tainting
the well oiled machine 
I have created in the wake
of sunlight on an empty bedspread. 
Broken.
I crumple across the floor 
and force a connection with the reflection 
scattered beneath me. 
The girl who was.
The girl who is.
The girl who should have...

Epiphany...

I'm going to try to write this all down, but between my general exhaustion and the emotional exhaustion I am now consumed by I am not entirely sure if I can.

The last 24 hours have been very, enlightening to me. I realized I'm not ready to be dating. Charles was a very nice guy, and I really enjoyed dinner and the conversation but I'm just not ready. It's not that I'm not over Rick, I'm not over the relationship and I'm not over the hurt. I've spent the last eight years of my life in emotionally tense, exhausting, difficult relationships that had me turning myself inside out and twisting the pieces. I'm so burnt out on relationships that even the thought of  getting involved with someone makes me nauseous. I'm not guarded, I'm locked down and I don't see anyone changing that any time soon. So what's the point? I'm just washing my hands of men, I'm washing my hands of dating. I'm just done.


In other news, Rick and I sat down tonight and talked. We "cleared the air" so to speak, agreeing that the anger, fighting and jabs back and forth needed to stop. We've lost focus on what's important, which is consistency and stability for Evelyn. The conversation was a lot calmer than I believe either of us thought it would be. We were both apprehensive. And a lot of things got settled. Things still feel awkward, and things will never be as easy between us as they were... but it's a start. Like Rick said, we are now on the same page, and we will just keep trying when it comes to everything else till we get it right.

But as he drove away I sat in my car in my driveway and cried. I don't know exactly what came over me. If it was letting go of all of that hate, or feeling shame in the way we've been behaving, sadness to see him go... I don't know. But it felt good to cry. I feel like it was something I had been bottling in and needed to let out.

Perhaps I can finally get some sleep. Or better yet, write some more.

I'd had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over...

I am loving Adele's new CD, 21 this morning. It has kept a permanent spot in my CD player for months, and it just gets better every time I listen to it.

So, I have a date Saturday night. And I'm really considering canceling it. I have been on exactly three dates since Rick and I split over a year ago. Three, and only one of those was with someone I didn't know. The other two were people I had known for years. Three... and all of those first dates. One hung out once or twice after, the other two not so much. Regardless, I can't seem to get past date two with anyone. I just don't seem to have it in me. They either have some small feature that I loving refer to as a "Scottonism", meaning some aspect of their personality reminds me of Rick rather it be good or bad and that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach or I just can't make the time.Actually, the more I think about it... they ALL had Scottonisms. :-/

And it's not that I'm not ready. I've been over the whole separation/divorce thing for awhile. I'm just nervous. I'm ten times more guarded then I was three years ago when I met Rick. I'm not as open to the possibility, or hope of good things. I don't know if I even really know how to let a guy be nice to me. I still don't feel like myself.

My best friend Kat asks why I want to date then, if I'm so anxious and nervous and nauseous over the idea. It's really simple. It's not that I want a relationship, or to replace Rick, or find Evelyn a "new daddy" as some people joke about. I would just really love to meet some new people. Being a single mom, and working two jobs I really have no time for me, and so the thought of sitting down for a nice dinner and adult conversation with someone I'm trying to get to know excites me. And he does seem like a very sweet guy who I would get along with really well.

I just wish I wasn't so burnt out on the idea of being involved with someone. I wish it didn't feel so pointless.

Milestones.

So today is the day. A big day. Who would have known that July 21 would feel so significant to me. It looks like any other day. The air is muggy due to the humidity. Lincoln County desperately needs the rain that we have been promised all week.

So what makes today so significant?

Well for one thing Evelyn turned 16 months old at 4:20 a.m. this morning.

Today also marks the 1 year anniversary of the day Rick moved out. I should feel relieved I suppose, the year of drama and anxiety and stress and exhaustion and harsh words and hard times and pure brokenness is almost over. We can officially file for our divorce, and hopefully with our conversation scheduled for Sunday night clear the air between us so we can move past our mutual animosity towards one another and get our focus back on what is important... Evelyn.

Regardless, I think I will allow myself to indulge in a little sadness today. And reflect. It's been a hard year. One of the most challenging I've had since 2007 when Gene passed away.

But I survived. Hell, I've prevailed.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you...

Flesh
with it's constant motion
like a humming bird
fluttering frantically, 

seeking a connection 
to the blue
sky that expands
with each
exhausted breath. 

Melt 
into the carbon
fibers lingering along,
inch by inch,
tickling like the finger tips
of a stranger.
Heavy, 

Weave into them
like patchwork, mending brokenness
in the silent still moment
when i inject my veins with poetry

and drift 
like wheels on the pavement.

unraveling...

I'm trying really hard to hold it together. I took the pieces of my soul and looped and twisted until they were wrapped around and nuzzled into each other. I can feel them beginning to fray, piece by piece and the knot I tried to tie is beginning to loosen. I grasp at it, trying to hold the pieces together, trying desperately to make the knot last and stop the fraying.

I'm unraveling.
My heart is betraying me.
And I'm feeling lost.