The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I know I keep bringing up my divorce, and my [ex]husband a lot these days. The truth of the matter is since we set down last month and "cleared the air" our relationship has been slowing creeping back to that eerie, comfortable place it once was. Although I am thankful that Rick and I can now get along, and spend time with Evelyn it does make things slightly more difficult on me. I keep making the joke that hating him was so much easier. That anger was like a shield from everything else, and now that it is gone I feel as vulnerable as a newly bloomed posey. It's one of those things I know I'll be able to manage, I just haven't quite got my bearings on it yet. I tell myself that I would handle it better if I wasn't constantly reminded of how smoothly he moved on to his new [girl]friend. But that's just me making excuses, passing the buck, placing the blame on an anonymous face (although not really anonymous since I know what she looks like.) But that's not my point. This has nothing to do with what I set down to write.

With this new found [fri]endship with Rick I've been thinking a lot about the past, and the things that were suppose to happen. Plans we made, things we said we'd do, dreams we had. One thing I think the most about is college, and how we had planned for me to go back to school. As each month takes me further from my memories of late night cram sessions and editing pages upon pages of written material I find that of all things during this separation and divorce, this is one of the things I'm most bitter about. I feel like he's taken that opportunity from me.

But realistically, he hasn't. Lots of single mothers work and go to school. Lots of single mothers get degrees, and map out careers, and feel no shame in their pursuit of higher education. And really, why should they? Every step a mother makes is to create a better path for them and their children. Recently a friend of mine was talking about school, and finishing up his degree. "I miss college," I sighed. "I'd love to go back."

He laughed at me, "then go."

"I can't." I replied. "I already work two jobs, and I have Evie. I can't throw something else on top of that."

He braced both of my shoulders and looked me square in the eye. "Kirby, stop making excuses. You are not a woman who says 'I can't.' You're the woman who ran half naked around a crowded theater, the woman who drove to DC alone on a whim, and the girl who went through an entire difficult pregnancy alone. If you wanna do it, if you really wanna do it you will find a way to do it."

I've been thinking about what he said and he's right. I use to be so relentless about getting what I want. When did I become so passive, just willing to accept the cards I've be dealt and settle for something less than I want. So I've been going through the CVCC and the Gaston College web-sites looking at their programs and schedules, financial aid and application processes. But still, that voice is going back and forth inside my head:

You don't have the money to go back to college. You already have $25,000 in student loans. Do you really think someone is going to give you more money?

There are hundreds of thousands of dollars available to single mothers who want to extend their education. Grants, and awards, and scholarships, and loans. I mean, look at what a little research did for me 8 years ago. A $100,000 education for a quarter of the cost. I can make the money work. 

What about work. You work two jobs. Currently you're working 50+ hours a week. Can you really throw even more onto that? 

I'm not saying I can be a full-time student, but I could work around the work schedule. And besides, I already have my Bachelors in English and Creative Writing... a lot of my basic requirement classes will transfer and I won't have such a hefty course load.

And what about Evelyn. You already spend to much time away from her working like you do. Do you really want to risk missing more of her childhood? 

No, No I don't. And I struggle with that everyday. But I can take some classes online, and I can make it work. It's to make things better for her anyway. So I can find a better, more stable job. So I can make more money to provide for her. So I can show her the kind of woman I want to be and that is the kind of woman she can look up to. I just want to be better. 

You don't even know what you would major in!!!! 

Well no, I don't. I could do many different things. Get my teaching certification, or do a communications degree. I could indulge my inner creativity and major in photography like I've always wanted to do. Or hell, I could do something completely different like a business degree. The point is I have options. Those aren't so bad. 

Well I still think it's an awful idea. 

Who knows. Maybe it is. But shouldn't I try. The longer I'm out of a classroom the less I feel like I can breath.

I don't know what to do. A little guidance would be nice right about now.

rest in PEACE

Dealing with all of the emotional turmoil of the past several days I have yet to comment on Peace College’s announcement Thursday that they are transitioning to a co-ed college and changing their name to William Peace College beginning Fall 2012.

I hate to admit I was not surprised by the announcement since Peace College’s admissions have steadily been declining the past few years, but my lack of surprise does not alleviate my sadness at their finalized decision.

I was privileged and fortunate enough to graduate from Salem College, a women’s college, in 2007. Salem is an institution that has stood for tradition, honesty, and academic excellence for nearly 239 years.  When you first access the website you see the words “Confidence,” “Education,” and “Career.” A women’s college education is about seeking the best, and being the best. It was one of the many reasons why I chose a women’s college compared to a more traditional co-ed education. Tom Matlack described it best in a recent article published at Scribd.com when he quoted a senior at Barnard College. “Three percent of women graduating from high school go to women’s colleges, and yet 30 percent of congresswomen went to women’s colleges and 20 percent of the female CEOs.” We are women who do not discuss change. We are the women who demand, instigate, and channel change.

I am fully aware of the stigma that surrounds a women’s college education. They are a breeding ground for radical feminists. My close male friend’s favorite opinion during my college years was that a women’s college is basically a brothel. I don’t think people realize the benefits that a woman receives from a single-sex education. First off, there are smaller classrooms, more intensive curriculum, better networking opportunities, and the ability to focus. Salem had even more to offer it’s students, including the Center for Women’s Writers, hundreds of years of sisterhood and tradition, the beautiful surroundings of Old Salem, and my personal favorite, Dr. Jo Dulan who, to this day, is one of the most brilliant women I have ever encountered.

So despite some peoples belief that Women’s Colleges are a dying institution, that they are outdated, and an ancient ideology I am truly sad by Peace College’s decision to make the transition. So many colleges are making the change and it’s denying so many young women the same opportunities that I had, and that all the women before me had.
There are nearly 60 institutions in the United States that offer a same-sex education for women. Compare that to the 5 institutions in the United States that offer a same-sex education for men and begin to wonder why there are so few.

One could wager a guess. But I suppose that is an entirely different subject.

Regardless of my sadness and disappointment, I will support the women and the alumni of Peace College. I feel for their loss, and fear the eventual loss of many more women’s colleges in the upcoming years.

Women’s Colleges and Salem College stand strong.