A Mothers Shame

Now that my daughter is almost two years old I can look back on the time when I first discovered I was pregnant with more clarity than before. My mother's words, however harsh, we not intended to hurt me. But it's difficult to take your mother telling you that she never thought you would be a mother because you are "all about Kirby" any way other than personal when you have a positive pregnancy test in your hands.

During my unbearably difficult pregnancy, and entering into single parenthood when Evelyn was only 4 months old I began to worry. Would I be a good mother? Am I too selfish? Self absorbed? Ambitious? Can I provide her everything she needs? But, I knew one thing for certain. I loved that little girl more than anything.
In the past 16 months I've worked hard. I've waitressed, and worked in a newspaper, and recently got hired as a copy writer for a large marketing firm. I play with her, bathe her, feed her, take her to the park, but when I am constantly working anywhere from 45-60 hours a week it's hard to feel like I'm sacrificing my relationship with my daughter, and her childhood in an attempt to provide stability for us.

During the times I do get to spend quality time with my daughter I have noticed for months now that, although she is incredibly bright and comprehends what I am saying she makes no attempt to speak back to me. Sometimes she grunts. Sometimes she coos but when it comes to language Mommom, and byebye are all that linger on her lips. And never combined, always repeated as if babbling. When I took Evelyn to her pediatrician for her 18 month check up she became concerned with my daughters lack of speech.
"We can try speech therapy, but it's possible she is just taking her time."

I thanked her kindly for her suggestion, and discussed it with Evelyn's father. We agreed to let her continue developing at her own pace and reassess the situation when she turned 2. The next three weeks I watched her as carefully as I could. I saw frustration, and exasperation. I watched as she would try to communicate, and seemed to grow almost exhausted by her inability to say anything.

I called Rick crying. "Maybe it was a bad idea to not put her in speech therapy. Am I not giving her enough time?"

He assured me I was a terrific mother, and that if I felt speech therapy was the right thing to do we would do it. I made the calls and proceeded to get the ball rolling. I was both excited and nervous.

It took a few weeks for any of the offices close to me to find an available time to meet with Evelyn. We walked into the office early Monday morning. Evie smiled and waved to the ladies and began to play with the toys in the lobby while I filled out the necessary paperwork. Shortly after our arrival Ms. Kathy lead us into a back room for Evelyn's evaluation. While they played with a toy bear, and tea cups Ms. Kathy tried repeatedly to get Evelyn to speak with her, or to reenact the things she was doing. "Bears sleepy Evie, can you cover him for me? He wants to go night night." Evie did what she always does, she would play and coo or even grunt but she refused to even attempt to speak a word. After we spent the hour together Ms. Kathy set me down to discuss her observation of the day.

"She is very bright, and perhaps even a little advanced in comprehension. She plays pretend extremely well and knows what you are asking her to do. But as far as vocal expression she is severely delayed. She has the expression range of a child 10 months a year a younger than her. But we will work with her, and see what we can do to help her over this hump. Do you talk to her a lot, describe things, explain things?"

I shook my head. "A little but I work a lot."

"I see. When was the last time she had her ears properly checked?"

I shrugged. "I don't really know."

Ms. Kathy frowned an expression that sent shame washing over me. "You need to get her ears checked. It may very well be the issue."

I nodded. "Absolutely."

I've replayed that expression in my head for days now. Have I hindered my daughters development because I'm quiet and introverted? Have I caused her delay because I work so much? Am I too much about "Kirby" that it has effected my daughter somehow? Have I failed her already as a mother?

I can't help but feel shame and wonder if it's normal. Is it?

Haiku War...

Sad Zombie:
Wondering through death

lost, lingering among lives,

devouring them.

Awkward Moments:

Stale silence stranded

like burnt orange paint on the wall

caked, and hollow.

Fresh Prince of Bell Air:

Just shooting B-ball

and suddenly you're filthy rich

willow whips her hair

In case you were wondering...

Dear Mr. McDreamy,
Can't help but miss you. And I hate that.
Sincerely,
Not really able to compare with paradise, and therefore forgotten...

Happy Halloween

Today was a great family day with Evelyn. We made spooky pancakes for breakfast, watched Halloween cartoons, spent some time playing in a pumpkin patch and went trick-or-treating.

 

AARGGG!!! I'm after my booty!

Evie loved every minute of it. With each giggle I'd watch her face light up as she would point at the pumpkins, or stare with her head tilted to the side at the cartoons. She would sing and clap her hands as I would flip the pancakes in the air. And she dragged me through the cold night, from door to door to door, opening her bag for each person and smiling sweetly. She would wave to the children and their parents as they passed us on the street. I half expected her to start kissing babies. She's such a future politician.

But as I watched how lovingly Zach and Kasey took care of Camden as they took him from door to door together, and the countless other families who were trick or treating together and I began to feel that hint of sadness. Maybe Evelyn isn't old enough to realize the absence of her father yet, the sheer brokenness of what a traditional family and childhood is suppose to be like compared to what she experiences on a day to day basis but it is not lost on me.

How do I balance what I know and what I want? I want the things for her I never had, which include her father being more than just a passing figure in her life. I never wanted a part time dad for my children. But on the other hand, I know no matter how much Rick and I may care about each other it's just not good for either of us to be involved. He's already moved on and is creating a new world and family for himself where as I have found myself with a strong foothold on knowing what I want in life and the balls to demand it without settling. I may have a lot of love for him, but a life with him is settling for me.

Now does that make me selfish. Are we, as parents, selfish? Because he wants to pursue this relationship with another mother and her children and enjoy his freedom to come and go as he pleases because he doesn't have anyone or anything to answer to. Because I want a partner who adores not only my daughter, but me as well and has the ability to cherish and challenge me at the same time. Should we be putting those things aside, and making it work regardless of the things we have to sacrifice to give her the family she should have.

I don't know which way is up? I feel so twisted right now

Drunken Rant...

I'm tired of trying to fit into these impossible molds people keep developing for me. Be emotional and affectionate without being emotional or attached. Be strong willed, but need me all the time. Be resilient, but please fall apart when I'm not there. Want me, even though I don't want you.

Seriously people? You suck.

And secondly... people really should take my phone away from me when I've drank a bottle of wine on an empty stomach alone because I text people silly and random things that are MUCH better left unsaid.

::sips wine::

And I said good day sir.

Play[ing] a Cold shoulder

I have immersed myself in Coldplay today. It's helping...

just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost...

tripping

Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.  -Victor Kiam-




All this time I thought I was tripping... who would have guessed it's actually considered progress.