Morning Routine

Alarm
Let go.
Pee.
Brush Teeth.
Check on Evie
Let go.
Start coffee.
Look outside.
Start shower.
Undress
Let go.
Wash hair.
Condition hair.
Let go.
Wash.
Let go.
Stand in the warmth of the water with eyes closed.
Let go.
Turn off water.
Step out.
Make a cup of coffee.
Let go.
Turn on TV to VH1.
Put on lotion.
Let go.
Get dressed.
Brush hair.
Let go.
Blow dry hair.
Let go.
Straighten hair.
Let go.
Refill coffee.
Sit on front porch and listen to the traffic.
Let go.
Check on Evelyn.
Let go.
Let go.
Put on make up.
Inspect appearance.
Let go.
Turn off TV.
Let Go.
Put on shoes.
Let Go.
Grab keys.
Let go.
Let go.
Start car.
Reverse.
Breathe
Forget.

A Feeling I Need.

I remember how it felt when I sat behind the wheel of Rick's Exterra in Georgia and realized the smiling soldier was him.

Fear. Anxiety.  Love.  Excitement. My heart literally melting at the joy in his eyes. I've never felt so proud and so appreciated because of the relief across his face.

I remember the feeling... but I can't imitate it. And these days, I wish I would have let it linger longer or bottled it up so I could feel it now.

I need that feeling now.

My Go-To Song for the Morning

Wicked - Elphaba (Idina Menzel) - I'm not that girl

Light smile, light limbs, she is winsome, she wins him.

Gold hair with a gentle curl.

That's the girl he chose, and heaven knows...

I'm not that girl.

Scotton vrs. Rice... The Great Debate of 2011

While at work last night one of the hosts accidentally called me Amanda. "Sorry Kirby." She laughed. Leia, the other host standing at the front chuckled and said, "I'm just going to start calling her Scotton," and she proceeded to continue to say Scotton over and over again with a bad Scottish accent.

I chuckled and said, "yeah... don't do that. That's my ex's last name."

"Oh." She apologized. "You should probably change that."

For a few months now I've had friends asking me whether I'm going to keep the last name Scotton, or change it back to Rice, my maiden name, once the divorce is finale between Rick and me. All of my friends have their own opinions, circling mostly around me changing it and even going to as extreme measures as changing Evelyn's.

I have no intentions of changing her last name. But I don't know which I am more uncomfortable with:

having a last name that is different than my daughter's

or

continuing to keep the last name of a man I am no longer attached to. The name I no longer belong too.

I'm sure Rick has his own opinions on it. I can picture both an indifferent reaction and an appalled reaction at the thought of me keeping it. The Scotton family is such a strong and exclusive family. They take their name extremely serious. I don't know how any of them would feel about me changing it back, or keeping it. I could see how both would seem offensive.

So in a moment like this I need to remind myself I need to stop thinking about everyone else. I need to decide based on what I want. I need to make the decision based on what I am going to be the most comfortable with. No one is going to look out for my best interest in any of this other than me.

And I know I have time to decide. There are still 9 weeks before I can formally file for divorce. I  will just have to make up my mind by then.

180 Degrees...

For as long as I can remember I have always felt like that girl, the one in the box watching as life passed her by.

It's strange to suddenly feel like you're outside of the box... looking at all of the people in.

Stolen...

What are our reasons to stay alive
random tasks or nine to five
unprovable theories, facts, obsessions,
deep minutiae, shallow lessons
ironic humour with sporadic timing
acting dumb or occasionally miming
do what you would have done anyway
believe what you will then do as I say...