Wednesday, February 9, 2011
it never takes too long...
but you're neither friend nor foe
thought i cant seem to let you go
but the one thing that i still know
is that you're keeping me, down.....
Is it Bad...
Is it bad that a large part of me is waiting for an apology that's never going to come?
I'm starting to think I'll tell the story of us
how I was losing my mind when I saw you here
but you held you pride like you should have held me...
I'm starting to think I'll tell the story of us
how I was losing my mind when I saw you here
but you held you pride like you should have held me...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Lonely Girl 101
I promised my return to my readers and I extend my apologies again for vanishing like I have. Between finalizing my separation from my soon-to-be (but not soon enough) ex husband and moving my daughter and myself into our own place things have been hectic. But I stand before you 10 pounds lighter, internet in tow, willing to share the intimate details of my life with you...
well, maybe not the intimate details... but close enough.
I recently had the epiphany that I am the stereotypical "lonely girl". I don't mean that in the sense that I am a female and I am lonely, but I seem to be ever man's "i'm lonely" fix these days.
Rather it be a failing marriage, long distance drama, a doomed relationship or a rebound every man I know rather it be an ex, a friend, or an acquaintance seems to call me only when they are lonely. Let me explain that not all of them try to get into my pants. Some just want me to stroke their egos. They flirt with friendly banter until their loneliness fades and then so do they.
I mean, when you think about it I married a man who only wanted me around when he was lonely.
What does that say about me?
I don't really know how it reflects on me. In some ways it makes me feel good because it means that I am someone people can come to when they are down and be cheered back up. I'm someone people can count on.
But on the other hand, it makes me feel a little like I'm just a momentary fix to an easily solved problem. Always the back up. That can kill the little bit of self-esteem my ten pounds dropped has provided.
I don't know. It's just something I've been thinking about. I guess you can call me Lonely Girl...
I sound like a pre-teen CW drama.
well, maybe not the intimate details... but close enough.
I recently had the epiphany that I am the stereotypical "lonely girl". I don't mean that in the sense that I am a female and I am lonely, but I seem to be ever man's "i'm lonely" fix these days.
Rather it be a failing marriage, long distance drama, a doomed relationship or a rebound every man I know rather it be an ex, a friend, or an acquaintance seems to call me only when they are lonely. Let me explain that not all of them try to get into my pants. Some just want me to stroke their egos. They flirt with friendly banter until their loneliness fades and then so do they.
I mean, when you think about it I married a man who only wanted me around when he was lonely.
What does that say about me?
I don't really know how it reflects on me. In some ways it makes me feel good because it means that I am someone people can come to when they are down and be cheered back up. I'm someone people can count on.
But on the other hand, it makes me feel a little like I'm just a momentary fix to an easily solved problem. Always the back up. That can kill the little bit of self-esteem my ten pounds dropped has provided.
I don't know. It's just something I've been thinking about. I guess you can call me Lonely Girl...
I sound like a pre-teen CW drama.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
5am advice
Advice to a friend of mine at 5am...
Its easy to clinge to the best in people, especially when they prove to be nothing more than the worst because if we admit there's only the worst we become the fools...
Sometimes my brilliance shocks me. :-)
Its easy to clinge to the best in people, especially when they prove to be nothing more than the worst because if we admit there's only the worst we become the fools...
Sometimes my brilliance shocks me. :-)
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Saturday, January 29, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Blessings for a Marriage
My best friend got married yesterday. She was a beautiful bride and I was so proud watching her stand in front of everyone, but watching them stand there and promise to love one another was a little harder than I expected it to be.
She honored me by asking me to read aloud a blessing during the ceremony. I wasn't able to make it though the entire reading without crying. Like I said, harder than I expected. The reading was one of the most beautiful things I've read though.
May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance, and understanding.
May you always need one another - not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you to know your fullness. A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the mountain less, but more; and the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering over it. So let it be with you and you.
May you need one another, but not out of weakness.
May you want one another, but not out of lack.
May you entice one another, but not compel one another.
May you embrace one another, but not out encircle one another.
May you succeed in all important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces.
May you look for things to praise, often say, "I love you!" and take no notice of small faults.
If you have quarrels that push you apart, may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back.
May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another's presence - no more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities.
May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy.
May you have love, and may you find it loving one another.
-Blessings for a Marriage by James Dillet Freeman-
After the ceremony many people approached me, telling me how moved they were with the reading and touched by my tears. One lady asked me if I wrote the blessing. I simply shook my head no and said thank you. I didn't have the heart to remind them that to write something that beautiful you would have had to experience unconditional love, self-less love at least once in your life. I doubt it's something that would have ever come out of me.
She honored me by asking me to read aloud a blessing during the ceremony. I wasn't able to make it though the entire reading without crying. Like I said, harder than I expected. The reading was one of the most beautiful things I've read though.
May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance, and understanding.
May you always need one another - not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you to know your fullness. A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the mountain less, but more; and the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering over it. So let it be with you and you.
May you need one another, but not out of weakness.
May you want one another, but not out of lack.
May you entice one another, but not compel one another.
May you embrace one another, but not out encircle one another.
May you succeed in all important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces.
May you look for things to praise, often say, "I love you!" and take no notice of small faults.
If you have quarrels that push you apart, may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back.
May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another's presence - no more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities.
May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy.
May you have love, and may you find it loving one another.
-Blessings for a Marriage by James Dillet Freeman-
After the ceremony many people approached me, telling me how moved they were with the reading and touched by my tears. One lady asked me if I wrote the blessing. I simply shook my head no and said thank you. I didn't have the heart to remind them that to write something that beautiful you would have had to experience unconditional love, self-less love at least once in your life. I doubt it's something that would have ever come out of me.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Shedding Dead Weight
My mom keeps talking about how she is in such a better mood since she has shed her 250 pounds, which she means to be her ex who I never cared much for.
After the conversation with Rick on Monday when I finally received some clarity on if we are still on the same page (we're not... ) I began to wonder how nice it's going to feel shedding the 180 pounds.
Tonight, it doesn't feel so good because it will be my second night without sleep due to Evelyn's inability to sleep soundly (she keeps screaming in her sleep) but with recent developments in other areas and some changes coming I'm thinking losing that 180 pounds is going to create a whole new me.
It is the new year after all.
After the conversation with Rick on Monday when I finally received some clarity on if we are still on the same page (we're not... ) I began to wonder how nice it's going to feel shedding the 180 pounds.
Tonight, it doesn't feel so good because it will be my second night without sleep due to Evelyn's inability to sleep soundly (she keeps screaming in her sleep) but with recent developments in other areas and some changes coming I'm thinking losing that 180 pounds is going to create a whole new me.
It is the new year after all.
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