Happy Halloween

Today was a great family day with Evelyn. We made spooky pancakes for breakfast, watched Halloween cartoons, spent some time playing in a pumpkin patch and went trick-or-treating.

 

AARGGG!!! I'm after my booty!

Evie loved every minute of it. With each giggle I'd watch her face light up as she would point at the pumpkins, or stare with her head tilted to the side at the cartoons. She would sing and clap her hands as I would flip the pancakes in the air. And she dragged me through the cold night, from door to door to door, opening her bag for each person and smiling sweetly. She would wave to the children and their parents as they passed us on the street. I half expected her to start kissing babies. She's such a future politician.

But as I watched how lovingly Zach and Kasey took care of Camden as they took him from door to door together, and the countless other families who were trick or treating together and I began to feel that hint of sadness. Maybe Evelyn isn't old enough to realize the absence of her father yet, the sheer brokenness of what a traditional family and childhood is suppose to be like compared to what she experiences on a day to day basis but it is not lost on me.

How do I balance what I know and what I want? I want the things for her I never had, which include her father being more than just a passing figure in her life. I never wanted a part time dad for my children. But on the other hand, I know no matter how much Rick and I may care about each other it's just not good for either of us to be involved. He's already moved on and is creating a new world and family for himself where as I have found myself with a strong foothold on knowing what I want in life and the balls to demand it without settling. I may have a lot of love for him, but a life with him is settling for me.

Now does that make me selfish. Are we, as parents, selfish? Because he wants to pursue this relationship with another mother and her children and enjoy his freedom to come and go as he pleases because he doesn't have anyone or anything to answer to. Because I want a partner who adores not only my daughter, but me as well and has the ability to cherish and challenge me at the same time. Should we be putting those things aside, and making it work regardless of the things we have to sacrifice to give her the family she should have.

I don't know which way is up? I feel so twisted right now

Drunken Rant...

I'm tired of trying to fit into these impossible molds people keep developing for me. Be emotional and affectionate without being emotional or attached. Be strong willed, but need me all the time. Be resilient, but please fall apart when I'm not there. Want me, even though I don't want you.

Seriously people? You suck.

And secondly... people really should take my phone away from me when I've drank a bottle of wine on an empty stomach alone because I text people silly and random things that are MUCH better left unsaid.

::sips wine::

And I said good day sir.

Play[ing] a Cold shoulder

I have immersed myself in Coldplay today. It's helping...

just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost...

tripping

Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.  -Victor Kiam-




All this time I thought I was tripping... who would have guessed it's actually considered progress.

Grey

but when the sun hits your eyes through your window 
there will be nothing you can do.

confession

There's been a lot going on in my life that I don't feel comfortable talking about openly on my blog due to the fact that so many people who really know me read it. I've taken refuge in another blog, one that is cloaked in secrecy.

“I am a happy camper so I guess I’m doing something right. Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.”
― Henry David Thoreau

Calling You Out

“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those. ”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

The Bitter Truth

People disappoint you.
It's sad.
But it's the truth.
I just wish my judgement was better.
I evidently do not trust the right people...

Overhaul

I've made the conscious decision that I am tired of feeling broken all the time. So I am instigating an overhaul of my life. 6 months is what I am going to give myself. I'll be 27 in 6 months. The focus: everything. Appearance. Career. Spirit. Focus. My creativity. 6 months from now I'll stand a different woman. A better woman.

Mark. My. Words.

Fact or Fiction

Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know."

Five years ago when I locked up my muse, put away my pens and burned the pages I'd spent years bleeding into it was because I had reached a point in my writing where all I could write was the truth. That rawness, the pure nakedness that brutal honesty provides scared me.

So I ran. I changed my identity. I silenced my voice. I hid the uniqueness that I had spent my entire life developing because I was afraid.

Now, five years late I sit and stare at empty pages craving the release of the truth.I want to feel special. I want to feel complete in the only way I have ever known how. By fully embracing that which I love. But, I feel like I am completely incapable of writing it, because in writing it I have to accept it. The truth is a hard, cold place. It provides no warmth, no comfort, no hope.

I know that until I can write one true sentence, the truest sentence I know like Hemingway suggests, I'm doomed. Breathing, but a shell of who I am meant to be.

I just need to find my truth.