Coming Soon

I don't want you all to think I've abandoned my blog. I haven't.

I'll be back soon...

Blessings for a Marriage

My best friend got married yesterday. She was a beautiful bride and I was so proud watching her stand in front of everyone, but watching them stand there and promise to love one another was a little harder than I expected it to be.

She honored me by asking me to read aloud a blessing during the ceremony. I wasn't able to make it though the entire reading without crying. Like I said, harder than I expected. The reading was one of the most beautiful things I've read though.
 

May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance, and understanding.
May you always need one another - not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you to know your fullness. A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the mountain less, but more; and the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering over it. So let it be with you and you.
May you need one another, but not out of weakness.
May you want one another, but not out of lack.
May you entice one another, but not compel one another.
May you embrace one another, but not out encircle one another.
May you succeed in all important ways with one another, and not fail in the little graces.
May you look for things to praise, often say, "I love you!" and take no notice of small faults.
If you have quarrels that push you apart, may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back.
May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another's presence - no more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distant cities.
May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy.
May you have love, and may you find it loving one another. 
-Blessings for a Marriage by James Dillet Freeman-



After the ceremony many people approached me, telling me how moved they were with the reading and touched by my tears. One lady asked me if I wrote the blessing. I simply shook my head no and said thank you. I didn't have the heart to remind them that to write something that beautiful you would have had to experience unconditional love, self-less love at least once in your life. I doubt it's something that would have ever come out of me. 

Shedding Dead Weight

My mom keeps talking about how she is in such a better mood since she has shed her 250 pounds, which she means to be her ex who I never cared much for.

After the conversation with Rick on Monday when I finally received some clarity on if we are still on the same page (we're not... ) I began to wonder how nice it's going to feel shedding the 180 pounds.

Tonight, it doesn't feel so good because it will be my second night without sleep due to Evelyn's inability to sleep soundly (she keeps screaming in her sleep) but with recent developments in other areas and some changes coming I'm thinking losing that 180 pounds is going to create a whole new me.

It is the new year after all.

Confessions of a Fat Girl

Any woman who has only indulged in a bowl of lucky charms and worked around food all evening is entitled to eat Seafood Portifino with her fingers while driving home after work.

There is no shame in my game.

Things I Have No Right To Talk About...

I have no right to talk about other people, or make judgments on their situations. I choose to air my dirty laundry via the internet, make it public to anyone with eyes and enough sense to look... but I've been wanting to talk about this for awhile.

My younger brother is in a very precarious position. His girlfriend is 6 months pregnant. Now, I'm not saying he doesn't love Kasey because she is very lovable... and I'm not saying he's only staying for the baby, because I'm not but it's just a hard situation to watch.

And maybe it's my own experience, my own... I don't know if you would call it guilt but just my own. When you're in that situation, when it wasn't planned and it just happens regardless of the circumstances how can anyone ever be 100% sure they are there for the right reasons?

And it makes me wonder... did Rick have those same doubts about Evelyn and me. No matter how many times he told me he loved me, or wanted to make a family with me, or that he was 110% sure that he was in it fully and completely could he have ever been really sure? Can he ever be?

I don't know if any man, or even any woman can ever be sure they are in that relationship for the right reasons. Even now I'm not sure I was...

I loved Rick. I'll never deny that, but now when I feel as numb as I do and indifferent as I do I wonder if my heart was ever really in it all the way.

And I think that kills me more than thinking his never was.

But who knows, maybe I am wrong.

Baby Girl

 

Evelyn Gene turned 9 months old today. 

My, they really do grow up fast.

Strength From a Friend...

It's not now or never.
It's not black, and it's not white.
Anything worth anything takes more than a few days
and a long, long night.

Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.
You can't do it all alone, and if you could
would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down.
The best made plans are your open hands.

Rest your head.
You've got two pillows to choose from
in a queen-sized bed.
Hold out for the moon
but don't expect connection any time soon.

Feel the light caress your fingertips.
You have just begun, the word has only left your lips.
Maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun
you're wrapped around the sun.


Thank you, BM <3